


(old) Shattered Souls and Weary Hearts

by thunderscape7



Series: Two Hawkes Are Better Than One [2]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bianca Davri Bashing, Bisexual Hawke, Bisexual Male Character, Blue Hawke, Canonical Character Death, Carver Hawke Being an Asshole, Complex relationships, Coping, Demisexual Female Character, Demisexual Hawke, Disability, Drama, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hinted sexting?, Lyrium Addiction, M/M, Mild Negativity Towards Anders, Mild Smut, Modern Kirkwall (Dragon Age), Modern Thedas, POV Third Person, Partial Blindness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Purple Hawke, Real Life, Self-Discovery, Sexual Tension, Sibling Bonding, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Unfinished, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Women in the Military, pop culture references, un-betaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-15 18:16:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 42,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7233424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderscape7/pseuds/thunderscape7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**unfinished and revised on a newly uploaded fic. Same story just better world building**</p><p>Marian Hawke joined the Theodesian military when she was nineteen, leaving her twin brother Garrett in Kirkwall. Ten years later she is discharged due to an accident that leaves her partially disabled. Insisting she move into his apartment, Garrett must adjust to life with his twin while she tries to figure out who she is outside of the military. Marian soon becomes a part of the Hawke "Merry Band of Misfits" and becomes initiated into civilian life thanks to a snarky author, a Rivaini bar owner, a Tevene tattoo artist, and cat loving veterinarian student.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sometimes You Need to be Vulnerable

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Double Trouble](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5655436) by [luciferwearsprada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciferwearsprada/pseuds/luciferwearsprada). 
  * Inspired by [Drive Me Wild](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6492349) by [KirkwallsChamp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KirkwallsChamp/pseuds/KirkwallsChamp). 



> Quick upload because this idea wouldn't leave my brain! Will probably go through again to check on errors.
> 
> F!Hawke/Varric is my mega OTP so this is a lot of self indulgence. Be warned.  
> Also my Fem Hawke is demi because . . . well, again, self indulgence for myself (as a demihet).
> 
> Wanna chat? You can @ thunderscape-doodles.tumblr.com

_“We are honored by your service Sergeant Hawke. It was a privilege to have you with us.”_ The General had tried to make her discharge sound like a good thing; he made it honorable and noble. The only thing it did was leave Marian Hawke with a sour feeling in her stomach.

 _“I’m sorry, Sergeant. There’s nothing we can do. The shrapnel cut too deep. We couldn’t save your vision in the right eye.”_ The nurse’s voice had been remorseful, sad. She spoke with a shy voice that made it seem as if she had believed she could do anything different. Marian had known the instant the metal cut into her face and shoulder; she knew her career was finished before the doctor’s even made it to the scene.

 _“Ten years of wonderful service. It’s been a pleasure.” “It was an honor.” “If you need anything, you know where to find help, Sergeant.”_ Hollow words of praise and encouragement from superiors and her equals. Words that swirled around in her head but meant nothing. How could they really mean any of that? They know what happened, the know what she did. They knew just as well as she that her discharge was anything but honorable. They were covering up something they didn’t want to leak out to the public, not yet. Five years from now these honors may be stripped away and she’ll be branded a failure, medal removed and status blemished. Not that the medal meant much to her, not really. A hunk of metal on a blue ribbon didn’t do much to replace the lives that had been lost; lives that were lost because she wasn’t good enough. She also knew that her discharge wasn’t based on her physical injuries.

 

A tiny cabin had been set up for her in the interim, a small place where she could keep her few belongings and figure out where she would go. The military had been her life for the last decade; crew cuts, fatigues, and assault rifles her sense of normalcy. Her life felt raw and empty; a wound had been opened that she wasn’t quite sure she could mend. She refused to remove her bandages on her face and shoulders, she couldn’t handle seeing the damage just yet. It was still too new, still too painful. Instead, she lay in bed with her tablet searching for what she wanted next. Her phone chimed.

{Gare-Bear 9:30 PM}  
[Hey. Just got your email. I can't]  
[I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. What do you need?]

Marian stared at her phone for a long time. She hadn’t talked to Garrett in, what, a year? Last Christmas. Life had gotten busy for both of them and it was hard to find a time where both could chat. Even so, her twin had been the first one she called after she was allowed. She could practically see him chewing on his bottom lip in worry.

{Me 9:45 PM}  
[Hi. It's okay. I'm looking at aprtments]  
[apartments*]

{Me 9:50 PM}  
[Gotta figure out how you civilians 'go with the flow' haha.]

She reread her messages and almost could find it in herself to smile. It was easy to pretend to be better than you really were over the phone. She was glad he didn’t call her, she probably wouldn’t have been able to get words out successfully. She set her phone down again and continued looking at ads. Her mother would, of course, insist she move back home with her. Wouldn’t Leandra love to have her eldest daughter back in her clutches? Their relationship wasn’t horrible, but her mother hadn’t been too thrilled with her choice to shoot and fight rather than follow in her mother’s footsteps as a wife and caregiver. She was halfway through a third listing when her phone chimed once more.

{Gare-Bear 9:52 PM}  
[:| You're a horrible liar even over text. I love you. <3]

{Gare-Bear 9:55 PM}  
[I have a spare room here in Kirkwall]

She hesitated. Kirkwall. She and Garrett had moved there with Leandra when they were fifteen and the twins - Bethany and Carver - were ten. To be honest, she did have a soft spot for the place - even if it was a cesspool at times.

{Me 10:00 PM}  
[Thanks for the offer, but I'm 29, Gare. I can find a place. I was thinking of Kirkwall. Or Ferelden]

{Gare-Bear 10:02 PM}  
[I'm worried. Mom called. She said you shouldn't live alone.]

Marian scowled.

{Me 10:03 PM}  
[Of course she did]

{Gare-Bear 10:05 PM}  
[... Don't hate me. I agree with her.]  
[Just temporarily. You need time to adjust. It'd be easier with someone else around.]  
[I'm better than mom, right?]

That was the understatement of the year. Marian sighed. A part deep down in herself knew that he was right. Adjustment would be easier for her if she had someone around to help her through shit; Maker knew she had a lot of it to deal with.

{Gare-Bear 10:10 PM}  
[Marian. I'm cleaning out the spare room.]

{Me 10:10 PM}  
[No, Garrett. I won't be a burden]

{Gare-Bear 10:12 PM}  
[Don't flatter yourself. You're not.]  
[But seriously, please come to Kirkwall. You're allowed to be vulnerable, especially now]  
[PS My friends would be /totally/ stoked to meet you.]

Marian chuckled, abandoning her tablet to keep her attention on the conversation. She’d forgotten how much she missed her brother, how well they got along together. It was refreshing to have this once sense of normalcy from childhood again.

Her phone chimed three times. She groaned when she saw the senders.

{Leandra H 10:20 PM}  
[Marian. Call me soon. We should talk.]

{Bethy 10:20 PM}  
[Hey. Wanna talk? <3]

{Leandra H 10:21 PM}  
[Your room is still available.]

Marian scowled again. She deleted the texts from her mother, mentally told herself to reply to Bethany a bit later, and clicked back to Garrett’s messages. She sighed. She knew if she declined he would give her those sad puppy-dog eyes and call her daily. She _wouldn’t_ be able to live on her own with her family after her. One way or another they would make sure someone was with her 24/7. If she moved in with Garrett, at least she could control a part of who dropped by. She reached over to grab her cup of water and heard it crash to the floor.

“Shit!” She wasn’t used to having a blind spot on her right side. She’d missed the cup and knocked it over. Setting her phone down she slipped out of her bed and went to grab a towel, stubbing her toe twice on the way before she made it back to clean up the mess. At least it was water, though she gave a frustrated growl when she had to remind herself turn her head farther than normal to check over the entire area of the spill. All she’d wanted to do since her discharge was shoot something, but even that would take getting used to again.

The guitar riff from _Eye of the Tiger_ pierced her thoughts. Garrett’s ringtone. She sighed. She could ignore him. She could let it go to her voicemail. The instant she heard his voice she wouldn’t be able to say ‘no’.

“Fuck.” She muttered and grabbed her cell. “Hey.”

“Almost thought you wouldn’t answer.” She could hear the concerned undertone in his voice, though she also knew when Garrett was joking around.

She sighed audibly into the phone. “I almost didn’t.” The towel forgotten on the floor, Marian settled back down onto the twin-sized bed, tucking her knees to her chest. She could hear some voices in the background, unable to make out any of the words.

“I figured calling was easier than arranging things over text message. You sound tired.”

“I feel tired.” She heard him chuckle. God she had missed that laugh. “And you _knew_ I couldn’t say ‘no’ over the phone. You’re playing dirty.” She was trying to joke back, though she was finding it difficult to keep the facade up for long. She wanted to see his face so badly.

It was Garrett’s turn to sigh. “I’m getting you a ticket, you’re flying to Kirkwall, and you’re going to live with me. For a little while. I’m not saying we have to be roommates forever, just . . . just until you get back on your feet. You can’t deny that you need some aide.”

“No, no. I know you’re right. I just don’t want . . .” her hand clenched around the phone a little tighter. “Am I going to have to listen to you bang your boyfriend every night?” She heard a loud cackling on the other end and a few sharp voices. “What the hell-- am I on speaker?!”

“Sorry, hands full. I should have warned you about that.”

“Damn right you should have.” She didn’t know why she was upset about it, not upset, more surprised. She hadn’t expected whoever he was with to be able to hear. “So, is said boyfriend in the room?”

The pause told her he was probably blushing deep red. “...yes.”

Marian smiled. She hadn’t met any of Garrett’s newest friends. Anders and Varric Tethras had been around when they had moved to Kirkwall, but the others that Garrett gave her updates on were new. She’d heard about them of course, but she would be lying if she wasn’t a bit curious about them. “Well, congrats then. What are you doing that you need speaker on anyway?”

“Moving a couch.”

“Couch?” Marian pondered this for a moment and sighed. “You’re _already_ moving things around?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Mari, just rearranging.” He chuckled and she couldn’t help but feel a bit calmed by his jest. His voice then went somber. “So. Will you come back? Varric’ll love seeing you again.”

“I sent him a message too. And Anders.”

“Anders is probably busy in classes and Varric is shit at checking his phone. I’ll tell him tonight.” Garrett said.

“Tonight? Do you hang out with people all the time?” Marian asked.

“Nah, Friday nights are relaxing time. We get together at the Hanged Man and play Wicked Grace and see who can get the most drunk off their ass. You’ll have to come by eventually. If . . . if you’ll do it.”

Marian smiled. She looked at a listing for a small apartment in Ferelden, somewhere near Denerim. It had been her first choice before she started the conversation with Garrett. She sighed softly. “I’ll get a ticket tomorrow morning. It . . . it’ll be nice to see you.” She was a bit startled by Garrett’s ‘whoop’ of excitement and a thud on the other end. “What was that?!” _Was that Tevene curses?_

“Oops. Eh . . . dropped my end of the side table. Sorry Fen.” She could practically feel the brightness of her smile from where she sat on her bed. “I . . . wow, I’ll have to call the rest of the gang over to help move out my junk. Heh, it’ll be great! Thanks for doing this, I really do want you to be happy and all.”

“Thanks Gare. You always were the best ever.”

“And don’t you forget it.”

Marian was quiet a moment and she let out a slow breath. “I should go. I’m getting kind of tired. I’ll email you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yea yea! Talk to you tomorrow. Love you.”

“Bye.” She whispered, hanging up the phone with her thumb and tossing it to the side. She pressed her forehead to her knees and winced when a slight pain ran through her shoulder down her arm. She wasn’t going to cry, she could make it through this without crying.

“You’re a soldier, Hawke. You can do this.” She whispered to herself as a tear hit her arm.


	2. Good News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter: Garrett talks about Marian's arrival and Varric's a bit put off after their Wicked Grace game night.

“I can’t talk right now, Varric. I’ve got a client.” Garrett said, not looking up from where he was finishing an outline on a man’s back tattoo.

Varric leaned against the doorframe to Garrett’s station. “C’mon Hawke. Five minutes. I _said_ once you were finished with this guy.” The client had his head resting against crossed forearms where he lay.

Garrett nodded, “Okay, I’ll meet you out at the front in a bit.” He said, trying to pay attention to the job he was doing.

The dwarf left to stand in the waiting area, grinning when he saw a hunched figure with a mass of white hair. “How’s my newest tenant doing?” He walked over to and noticed he looked particularly tired and broody today.

Fenris glowered. “Leave me be, dwarf.”

“Aw. Is Hawke keeping you up at night, Broody?” Varric chuckled, which caused Fenris to give an exacerbated sigh.

“No. We have been moving all of his _crap_ \--”

“Hey!”

“-- around for the past few days.” Fenris rubbed his forehead. “And Isabela’s voice has begun to give me a migraine.” Fenris moved to Kirkwall two months prior and found work at the local tattoo parlor. Garrett had been an artist there for years and they started dating within a week of meeting. He lived three doors down from Garrett in the Hanged Man Avenue Apartment complex owned by none other than Varric Tethras - bestselling author and younger brother to the owner of Tethras Co (one of the largest trades companies in Thedas and _the_ largest in the Free Marches).

“Ah, so an artist _and_ interior designer. You continue to surprise me, Broody.” Varric said, patting the elf’s shoulder.

“Hey Zev,” Garrett walked ahead of his client to the front counter, “could you ring up Ser Blackwall and schedule his second appointment for me?”

“Of course, Hawke.” Zevran - the incredibly handsome, blonde elf said with a wink. “Ser Blackwall, was it? Hawke is open again...”

Garrett turned to face Varric. “Okay, Varric. I’m available now. Please stop harassing my boyfriend.”

“Well, you said it was urgent, Hawke, so I made up the new addition papers for you.” Varric held out a couple of forms. “Everything is there, just fill out the roommate’s information and have them sign it.” Garrett grinned and happily took the fresh forms.

“Maker’s balls, thanks Varric. You said it usually takes a week for this stuff to be ready.”

“You said it was an emergency. Oh, and here, Daisy brought snacks by the place and had some for you too.” He tossed the bag to Fenris.

“Again? She does know she doesn’t have to bribe us with sweets, right?” Hawke asked as Zevran came up and grabbed a cookie from the bag.

“Oh shush. Free sugar makes the world go ‘round and all that. Mm. She makes the _best_ sugar cookies.”

Varric smiled, grabbing his phone as it buzzed in his pocket. “I’ll let her know, Araini.” He frowned.

{Bartrand T. 1:00 PM}  
[You missed the meeting. Call me.]   
[You can’t keep pulling this crap, Varric.]

“Everything okay?”

“Fine, Hawke, fine. Get those papers to me when you can.” He winked at Fenris who currently had a mouth full of donut.

“Okay. See you tonight.” Garrett called as Varric left out the door and got into his car.

***

Varric sat at the large table in his suite shuffling the cards for their Wicked Grace game. Anders, Merrill, Isabela, Fenris, and Garrett were all in attendance already consuming too much alcohol and not enough food. Varric’s space was the largest in the building - “a perk of being the landlord” as he said - and the most central location on the top floor, was the most logical place for the group to all congregate.

“. . . and then he . . . Anders. You’re not even paying attention.” Garrett said with a hint of disappointment as he looked over to their friend. He had a heavy textbook spread across his crossed knees.

“Huh? Oh, sorry Hawke. You can continue.”

“Oh, come on, sweet thing. Can’t you look up from that junk once in awhile? You’re missing quite the view.” She purposefully leaned forward over the table more, trying to get a blush out of him.

“Can’t,” Anders turned the page, eyes analyzing the words, “I have a huge exam on equine anatomy coming up.”

“You gotta relax sometime, Blondie. You’ll work yourself to death at this rate.” Varric dealt out cards to each of them.

“I’ll stop in a minute.” Anders mumbled as he reread a section.

Isabela tugged at the corner of his book. “Weren’t you supposed to bring a boy toy with you tonight?” She laughed with glee when it earned her a deep blush.

“He’s not-- Nate’s working. And he’s _not_ a boy toy.”

“Stop teasing, Rivaini, or he may explode from embarrassment.” Varric said, opening a new bottle of beer for himself. He then looked to the buxom beauty, “Oh, you said you had news.”

Isabela grinned. “Oh, well it’s hardly my news.” she laced her fingers together and grinned as the first bet started. “It seems our little Hawke is finally talking to his long, lost sister again.” Garrett’s expression darkened slightly. While most of his friends had never met his twin, they did have a bit of knowledge about her. There had been a time in the past where they weren’t speaking on any uncertain terms due to an incident. Marian had hurt his feelings in a way that had taken him a long time to forgive. He, however, had hoped Marian wouldn’t be the topic of conversation all night.

Merrill’s eyes brightened. “Oh yes! Isabela said she was moving in with you! Do tell us about her,” the bubbly girl pleaded as Varric looked genuinely interested and slightly surprised.

“Yea, Hawke, how _is_ our little soldier?”

Garrett’s expression didn’t go unnoticed, even if it was there for only a moment. “You would know _exactly_ how she is if you’d check your email every once in awhile.”

Varric looked startled. “She, miss gun-toting, too-busy-for-you, Sergeant, sent me an email? What happened, Hawke?” With Garrett’s severe look he raised his hands, “I got locked out of my personal account four months ago. I can’t use it anymore.” All of his friends knew to use his business one . . . all but her. Anders was looking up from his book.

“I saw one from her, but I didn’t get a chance to read it yet. What’s going on.”

Garrett sighed. “I’m not sure how much she wants everyone to know . . .”

“Come on, sweet thing. It can’t be _that_ bad.” Isabela cooed in her usual way. “Unless she slept with the enemy, in which case, I should buy her a drink.”

“W-what? No! No. Nothing like that, ‘Bela.” Hawke’s face had gone bright red at the suggestion. “She was given an honorable discharge. She was . . . hurt after her unit got hit by something pretty nasty. I don’t know all the details.”

Anders gasped. “Is she alright? How badly was she hurt?”

“She say’s she’s ‘fine,’ but I’m not sure. She wouldn’t say. I barely got her to agree to move into my place to adjust.”

Varric sat back in his chair and mulled over the news. He made fun of Marian’s professional choices in the past, but he was proud of her accomplishments and knew how much it meant for her to make a difference. She and Hawke were two peas in a pod, the distance was hard on the both of them, but both strived for a different life. Hawke was an artist, music- and tattoo-wise; Marian was a fighter, a doer. She was the type that ran into burning buildings to save orphans and that kind of shit. “Damn, Hawke. That’s hard. Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Garrett nodded. “Thanks. It’s gonna be . . . different for a while. I’m picking her up in a few days.”

“We should throw a welcome party.” Isabela suggested and Merrill grinned.

“Yes! We should make her feel at home!”

Hawke smiled tenderly at his friends. “I appreciate the sentiment, guys, but I think it would be best to have a more private thing first. She sounded . . . she was quiet. I don’t want to do anything wrong.”

“Enough said, Hawke.” Varric said with a nod, “We’ll give her a ‘welcome back’ after she’s settled in again.”

“It’ll be more fun that way anyway. Jet-lag really kills a party.” Isabela smiled as she nudged Fenris playfully.

***

The game lasted late into the night and it was almost three in the morning by the time Varric’s suite was cleared and he headed for bed. Before becoming dead to the world for the next nine hours he went to his computer and opened his email. He had linked his old account to his business one to make sure he didn’t miss anything hugely important, but a lot of it was junk. He opened his spam file and found the one from Marian.

It was a message simply explaining that she had had an honorable discharge due to an accident. No details, nothing more than a few sentences assuring the reader - he was sure it was a mass email BCCed to family and friends - that she was alive and well. At the bottom was her name and a phone number. He pulled out his cell and added her into his contacts.

{Me 3:01 AM}  
[It’s Varric you’re ‘beloved storyteller.’ Got your bullshit email. You /actually/ ok?]  
[Call me if you need anything. I swear on my mother’s grave nothing will go in a book.]

He set the phone down and fell into bed without a second thought. He hadn’t had contact with Marian Hawke in almost nine years. She was never in a place with any service to make contact easy. He was still kind of surprised she even answered the phone when Garrett called her; she had a tendency to avoid direct contact. That was the funny thing about her. She’d run into danger for you but call her on the phone and you wouldn’t even know she was there.

***

{Freckles 9:52 AM}  
[Hi Varric. I’m fine]

Varric scowled at the text he woke up to. If she was fine she wouldn’t have been discharged. If she was fine she wouldn’t be coming back to live with her brother so she could ‘adjust.’ He knew she wasn’t fine, but he didn’t know if it was ‘I lost all my limbs’ not fine or ‘I’m emotionally compromised’ not fine.

{Me 10:01 AM}  
[Bull. Shit.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Disclaimer: I know absolutely NOTHING about how Wicked Grace is actually played.


	3. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marian flies back to Kirkwall and finally gets to see Garrett again as well as a few new characters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about airports so . . . I took liberties. Be warned.

Marian stuck out like a sore thumb in the lobby of the Free Marches International Airport; dressed in her fatigues - an army green t-shirt tucked into camouflage pants and brown combat boots - with a grey duffel hooked around her left arm and a sling on the other, her shaggy hair hanging over the bandage covering the blind side of her face. She thought returning home would feel a little more relaxing, but the crowds only made her want to panic. She checked her phone, Garrett was meeting her in ten minutes, but a part of her worried she was late or in the wrong place, or had read his messages wrong. Everything felt off, like she had been left in the middle of the Waking Sea with nothing but a life preserver expected to adapt to life alone.

She had gotten more messages and phone calls in the last couple of days than she had in ten years - granted she just recently had reliable signal coverage. She spoke with Bethany and Garrett, got a few texts from Varric, Anders, and her mother, and even a voicemail from a, very drunk, Gamlen. She dreaded actually seeing any of them in person. The _pity_ they would give her . . . it made her want to run and hide away forever. The last thing she wanted was for the people she loved to look at her like she was a broken child that needed to be tiptoed around.

She looked at her phone and saw Varric’s text. She had to admit, she had missed his wit and honesty, but she didn’t know how to respond. He called her on her bullshit, she knew that, what else was there to say? Hopefully she wouldn’t have to confront that anytime soon.

A child screaming startled her out of her train of thought, breath catching in her throat. Close by . . . Another scream sent a chill through her blood. Marian sped quickly across the platform, her phone clutched in her fist. She stumbled and her feet caught on air as she was still adjusting to moving with limited vision. What did she even expect to do? She had no clue, her mind wasn’t stopping to think, just moving to act. She jogged in the direction with a wide eye. Damn, she felt like a fricken cyclops!

A child gripping their mother’s hand and falling limp to the ground in the midst of a temper tantrum was what she saw. The mother was frantically trying to calm her child. Marian’s heart raced in her chest, blood rushed in her ears and she tried to calm her breathing. The child was safe, no danger. Why couldn’t she stop panicking?

“Miss? Miss!” A hand touched her shoulder and she gave a small scream. She turned to see a small woman in a security uniform. “Are you alright miss?” She asked, her brow pinched in concern.

She suddenly realized her entire body had been as tight as a knot, knuckles white and jaw clenched. She didn’t realize she hadn’t responded to the question until the security woman repeated what she had said.

“Fine. I’m f-fine.” She tried to relax her posture.

“Do you need any assistance?”

“No ma’am. Just . . . waiting for my ride.” She shoved her phone in her pocket and absently fiddled with her dog tags. The woman smiled at her.

“Well, the pick-up area is right over there.” She pointed in the direction of a larger waiting area marked by a few signs.

“Thanks.” Marian forced a smile as she returned to her original route prior to being distracted. She was started by two other airport workers asking if she needed any assistance. She had had to assure them multiple times that she was fine and, no, she had not had anything to drink. She was wobbly because she no longer had a damn eye!

“Where you needing something, ma’am?” a voice, male, asked to her right. She flinched because, of course, she hadn’t seen him.

She bodily turned so she could see him. He had blonde curls, barely tamed, and golden brown eyes. He stood rigidly, obviously military trained, but he wore jeans and a zipped-up hoodie. “What?” She asked.

The man instantly looked nervous and his face flushed. “Oh, Maker. I apologize. I thought you spoke . . .” She hadn’t realized she had been muttering her thoughts out loud. _Shit_.

“O-oh. Oh no. Sorry, just . . . waiting for my brother.” she leaned against the dividing wall in the waiting platform that separated a few sitting areas and turned her attention back to looking ahead of herself. “I didn’t realize I spoke.” She checked to make sure her hair was covering the bandages on her face once more.

The man made a small sound of ‘mm-hm.’ He probably nodded or at least acknowledged it. She couldn’t tell. She reached for her pocket to try and grab her phone to see if Garrett was there. But she panicked slightly when it wasn’t there. She felt the man move beside her.

“Oh, here. You dropped your phone.” He said gently. Marian set down her bag to take it. It must have happened one of the times she moved. She hadn’t been very good at keeping track of herself lately; as the saying goes, she probably would have lost her head if it weren’t attached.

“Thanks.”

He smiled at her, though she noticed he didn’t make eye contact. “Cullen Rutherford.” She stuck the phone in her left pocket and double checked to make sure it stayed there.

“Marian.”

“How long have you served?” he asked after a moment. It wasn’t like she was trying to hard to hide it.

“Ten years. I spent some time stationed in the Western Approach near Orlais and also the Anderfels.” Marian answered, her fingers fiddling with her dog tags again. It was a calming gesture she had adopted during combat training.

Cullen nodded, a look of understanding on his face. “I served in Ferelden in Kinloch. Stationed there for a few years before I discharged and came to Kirkwall. I work under Chief Stannard at the police department now.”

“And do you work here in the airport or . . . ?”

“No, Maker, no. I’m here to pick up a few old friends flying in from Denerim. Their flight got delayed.”

Marian nodded, looking ahead again. The silence that followed was comfortable, punctuated by the goings on of other visitors and families. How long had it been since she had actually seen her mother and uncle? Five years? Christmas perhaps. She’d have to make up for that. Cullen cleared his throat.

“Sorry for asking this, but do I know--”

“There she is! Not even here a day and already chummy with the police. We need to get you around more _normal_ people.” An all too familiar voice cut through Cullen’s sentence.

“Garrett!” Marian turned just in time to be enveloped in a hug, Garrett careful of her injured side.

Cullen groaned from where he stood. “Of course, Hawke. I knew you looked familiar.” Marian shot her brother a look.

“What did you do now?”

“What _hasn’t_ he done?” Cullen muttered and held out his hand to her. She took it. “It was nice to meet you Marian Hawke.” With a nod to her twin he walked off. Marian side-eyed Garrett.

“I have done nothing to that man.” He insisted.

“Then why did he look at you like he was having war flashbacks?”

“ _That_ would be Varric.”

“Uh-huh.” Marian bent gingerly to pick up her duffel and she gave him a small smile. “I missed you, Gare.”

“Missed you too, Mare.”

***

Garrett drove them the hour and a half it took to get from the airport to the downtown apartment complex he lived in. The traffic wasn’t too horrendous - thanks to the time of day - and the weather was quite nice for Kirkwall. It had been a nice time for them to talk and catch up a little over more superficial things. Garrett pulled into the parking garage beside the large building and Marian gazed up at the seven-story apartment building, her lip quirking upwards. “‘Hanged Man Apartments’? Should I be concerned?”

Garrett chuckled. “Only if you fear stairs and friendly, beardless dwarves. The name pays homage to the old street name before it became good ol’ Main.”

“Wait,” Marian stopped and looked to him, the dim lights of the parking garage casting shadows over her face. “Varric lives here too?”

“He owns the place!” Garrett said cheerfully. “A lot of my friends do. Anders lives a floor below me and . . . Mare?” He turned to look at her, concern replacing the light smile. “What’s wrong?”

“Garrett. They’re not all up there waiting, are they?” Her face pinched in discomfort. Garrett let out a small breath.

“No. I promise, the only one upstairs waiting for you is Brad.” Marian smiled, chuckling as she walked with him into the main building.

“I can’t believe you named your Mabari _Brad_.”

Garrett puffed out his chest. “Bradley Diggingston the Fourth is a distinguished dog, I will have you know.”

Marian snorted and shoved him playfully, not much force behind it. “You’re such a dork.”

“A dork who has a boyfriend.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it, Gare-Bear.”

They took the elevator up to Garrett’s fifth floor apartment. It was at the end of the hallway, number 5J. “Just don’t call me that in public. Especially not in front of Varric. _Please_?”

“I’ll try to hold it back.” Marian said as Garrett unlocked the door. There was a shuffling sound and before they could even take a step inside, a massive hunk of fur and muscle barreled into his owner. Garrett yelped as he hit the ground. The Mabari happily lapped at his face and his stubby tail wagged so fast his butt shook.

Marian chuckled, moving back before she could be caught in the collision. Garrett grunted and shoved at the brown, slobbering dog to try and get him off. “Okay, okay buddy. Hey, heh, it’s good to see you too. Now be gentle with Auntie Marian, boy.” He added softly, scratching him behind his ears.

Brad the Mabari cocked his head, panting excitedly. It was cute, in a large, slobbery, puppy-dog kind of way. Marian smiled and set her bag down to pat his head affectionately. They had had a Mabari growing up named Shoefflé - so named because of his love of chewing up shoes. “Well hello there Ser Brad.” She scratched him under his chin while Garrett grabbed her duffel for her and stepped into the apartment.

He whistled. “Come on, Bard. No drooling on Varric’s new carpet now. The Mabari bounded inside following by Marian who narrowly missed knocking her right side into the door.

The apartment was nice, cozy for a couple people. It had a decent-sized kitchen, two rooms off of the open living room and a bathroom at the far end off one bedroom. She assumed it was Garrett’s because of the large paper ‘G’ taped on the door. The living room - while spacious - looked recently cluttered. Indents on the rug told that the couch and TV had recently been moved. An acoustic and bass guitar leaned on stands near the sliding doors that led to the small deck/fire escape. A desk was shoved into the corner with a mass of art books and folders covering the surface. Piles of books haphazardly decorated the entire area in strange places such as beside the couch as an end table and under a kitchen chair.

“As you can see, everything is pretty self explanatory. Kitchen, bathroom there by my room, deck that may or may not be completely structurally sound,” He opened the door that was farthest from the bathroom but closest to the kitchen. “And here is your room,” he said with a flourish of his hand. It was decently sized, bigger than anything she’d had in the last decade. There was a full-sized bed, nightstand, and dresser. The walls were painted a muted golden-yellow. “Didn’t know what else you’d want er . . . need. So we can--”

“You’ve already done enough, Gare. Thanks.” Marian interrupted as she had seen a bit of panic flash in his eyes. Garrett set the duffel down on her bed. He smiled.

“Oh . . . good! I’ll just let you, uhm, get settled.” Without prompting, he stepped out of the room and, from the sounds Brad was making, would soon be coerced into a walk.

Marian closed the door gently and let out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. The room felt _too_ big, too open. Maybe she could convince Garrett to move some of his stuff back in. He had asked if she was having anything shipped over from the base, but everything she owned fit into one bag. Anything else she may have had she donated or burned.

The next half hour Marian took measured steps unpacking. Her uniform she put in its own drawer while her four pairs of civvies, her spare fatigues, and some pajamas went into the others. The few books she had with her went on top of the dresser and she plugged in her phone and tablet to charge. The rest she left in the duffel for now. Toiletries, a few leftover snacks, a jar she had carefully wrapped in some newspaper, and some paperwork she would rather ignore until a later time.

Marian knew it would be awkward at first. Garrett forgave easily, but that didn’t mean what had happened between them before was gone completely. It would take time for their relationship to go back to what it was before, if it ever could. Checking her phone, she couldn’t help but smile at the text she received.

{Gare-Bear 2:54 PM}  
[Took Brad for a walk! Help yourself to the fridge]

Attached was a photo of a blurry Mabari butt with some grass and the toe of Garrett’s tennis shoe. She chuckled. It had been a long time since she had experienced anything so . . . normal.

_Maker, this is going to take some getting used to._


	4. She's a Civilian Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marian meets Fenris and is left alone to adjust to civilian monotony. Laundry day should be a simple task, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing much happens in this chapter - don't worry things pick up soon! - but it does set some groundwork for Marian's time in service and some world building. Lyrium issues? Is Marian dealing with addiction? How will she handle meeting Anders so suddenly? Oooo questions!  
> I made Sampson a dick. No apologies.  
> And Marian's reaction to Fenris' voice is completely taken from my own response in DA2.  
> Enjoy!

Marian was awoken from the best sleep she’d had in years by loud pounding on the door. Her defenses woke her immediately, reaching for a knife she no longer had under her pillow. It took her a moment to realize she wasn’t actually in any danger. With a groan she pounded on the wall that separated her room from Garrett’s. “Garrett! Door.”

There was no response on the other side. When the knocking continued she grumbled something about sleep and a stranger answering the door as she made sure she was wearing her tank and sweatpants correctly - tossing and turning at night tended to cause clothing mishaps - and shuffled to the front door.

She rubbed her face and smoothed her hair before opening the door. A tall, tan-skinned elf with brilliantly white hair and pale, viney tattoos stood in front of her. He looked just about as shocked as she did about the situation, though at least  _ he _ was wearing actual clothes. “Can I . . . help you?” she asked, trying to blink the sleep from her eye.

The man looked her up and down a moment, his eyes narrow and judgemental. “I’m looking for Hawke.” She had  _ not _ expected that deep of a voice to come out of the tall bean-pole of a man.

“Which one?” Her response was automatic before she realized exactly who he meant. “Oh! Garrett. Yea, yea. Come in . . . wait,” she paused, years of training kicking in. “You’re not here to strangle his tiny white ass or anything, right?”

The man looked slightly amused - meaning his eyebrows rose a centimeter. “I am a friend,” he assured her. She let him in and closed the door. The mystery man waltzed up and opened her brother’s door without any hesitation. “Hawke!” He sounded annoyed. Marian was just about to intervene when she heard Garrett squeal.

“Andraste’s saggy tits, Fenris!” He shouted, a pillow - presumably for the intruder - flew out the open door. Brad gave a single bark from his spot on the couch.

“Hawke, you’re late.” Fenris said firmly and there was a thump. “The dwarf sent me up to get you out of bed.”

Marian chuckled as she could hear the sleep in Garrett’s voice. “Need backup, Gare?”

“Maker! No. Ugh, I’ll be right out, Fen. I need to get dressed.”

“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, Hawke.” There was a slightly sultry tone there. So  _ that’s _ the boyfriend. He seemed . . . distant, but if Garrett had already brought him to bed . . . Marian shivered.  _ No. Stop thinking about that! _

A moment later, Fenris stepped out and his gaze fell to her again. “Marian Hawke.” She said with a small wave and he nodded.

“Fenris. Hawke did not say you would be arriving so soon.” Something in his voice unsettled her slightly. She shrugged, trying to stay relaxed. She was probably just paranoid for no reason.

“Plane landed yesterday. Coffee?”

“No, thanks.” Marian gave a small nod and walked into the kitchen. Give her a gun and a group of terrorists or religious fanatics and she was as eloquent as the Queen, but talk to civilians?  _ You’re a civilian now, Marian _ , she had to remind herself more than once just that morning. 

Brad jumped off the couch and followed her into the kitchen, circling Marian’s feet. She chuckled. “Hey boy.” She patted his head as she started the coffee maker and grabbed a mug from the cabinet. Garrett had one of those fancy one-cup maker things that used little cups of tea or coffee or whatever. She didn’t really understand all of it just yet, though she also still had a flip phone. It worked well since an entire pot of coffee would probably go to waste with just the two of them. She waited for the water to warm up and grabbed one of the coffee cartridges, waiting for the mug to fill. Brad yipped at her and she smiled, grabbing a treat from a cookie jar and tossing it to the mabari who promptly ran with it into the living room.

Once the maker was done, Marian took the warm mug, letting it settle into her palm - her right arm still stuck in a sling, and she stepped out to see Garrett - disheveled beard and all - yanking on his shoes.

“Oh, Marian. This is Fenris. Well, you probably already knew that. We uh, he and I--”

“You missed a button there, Slick.” She muttered, nodding to his uneven button-up flannel. He blustered to correct it. “So, you’re going somewhere?” She leaned against the back of the couch sipping her drink.

“Oh, yea. A couple of friends and I are checking out something. Aveline asked for our help.” Garrett said.

“You said you did tatoos.” Marian raised her brow. Fenris chuckled.

“We’re just doing a favor as friends. Don’t worry.” Garrett assured her, though she wasn’t sure she believed that. Was her brother some kind of low key vigilante or something? “We may be gone til late today. I’m taking Brad with me. Will you be okay here?”

Marian sighed. “I’m a trained sergeant, Gare. I can handle an empty apartment.”

“Hawke.” Fenris’ voice was impatient.

“Right, right right. Brad, here boy.” Garrett called, waving at Marian as he grabbed his jacket and a small messenger bag. “Later, Mare. Call if you need anything.” And he left with Brad at his heels.

The door clicked shut and she sighed softly, setting her cooling mug on the small coffee table. She ran a hand through her hair and went back to her bedroom to change into a pair of shorts and a worn t-shirt. She sucked in a breath as she removed her sling and stretched out her sore and stiff arm carefully. The upper arm was badly bruised from a mild hairline fracture. It was healing well, but still tender to use. 

The real feat was trying to clip on her bra with one hand and one not-so-useful one. After that she pulled on her shirt and slipped on her shorts before readjusting her sling onto her arm. She looked up and caught sight of her mop of hair in her dresser mirror. Maker, she had answered the door with hair like that? She brushed her fingers through the tangled mess and stopped as she reached the bandage on her right side. Carefully, she peeled the piece of gauze off and flinched at what she found.

Long scars from shrapnel marred her face along the bridge of her nose and up the right side of her forehead and across her eye and cheek. The once brilliant blue of her eye was dulled, a long scar visible across the slowly greying pupil. It was unsettling to look at yourself and see a stranger, to feel disgusted and ashamed of your own face. The dying eye that no longer saw the world and the scars that dug deeper than just muscle. She didn’t actually have to wear the bandage anymore, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted Garrett or anyone else to see. He would ask questions, questions she couldn’t answer. Leaving it off for the time being, she went to sit on her bed to check a few emails. It was still early so she might as well relax. She wasn’t actually consciously aware of when she slipped from her relaxed doze to a fitful sleep.

***

She woke later in a cold sweat from nightmares sometime around noon. She rubbed her hand across her face and groaned as she sat up, setting the tablet that had fallen on her lap to the side table. After a moment trying to regain her bearings, she decided she should probably make lunch. Garrett was still out and she had no messages from him, so she assumed everything was going well with their . . . errand.

His boyfriend - Fenris - seemed . . . nice. He had been rather reserved and quiet, but she was sure she would get a better chance to meet him later. He hadn’t even expected her to be there yet. For some reason that was reassuring. At least people wouldn’t be stopping by to see her yet.

After making a sandwich out of the few ingredients Garrett had around the house, she decided now was a better time than any to wash her meager amount of clothes. They weren’t all that dirty, however, they did smell like her old barracks and smoke and she would be happy to wash that all away. She gathered her clothes in a bag from the kitchen and pulled on one of Garrett’s old hockey sweaters from high school - cursing because of her sore arm. She needed to wash her bra and didn’t want to walk around braless to the laundry room. The thing engulfed her. Even as twins, Garrett had height and bulk where Marian was petite and 5’4”. She rolled up the sleeves, pulled up the hood over messy hair, and double checked to make sure it at least was clear she did have shorts on underneath.

Clothes in hand, and a pod of Garrett’s Tide and her tablet in the sweater pocket, she made the trip barefoot down to the shared living space of the cozy apartment complex. The main floor had an open lounge, a modest game room, and a laundry room - one of the perks of the place was free laundry use as long as you respected the machines.

Marian shuffled past the lounge, catching a glimpse of a dark skinned woman with gold piercings sitting on the couch beside a tattooed elven girl and a tuft of blonde hair. Not lingering there, she walked into the warm laundry room and found an open washer to dump her civvies, fatigues, and undergarments in. She threw the Tide pod in and started it on a ‘delicate’ cycle. She always chose ‘delicates,’ just in case a machine decided to be a bitch and eat up her clothes. 

It was strange to have nothing but monotonous tasks to do. She was used to the rigid schedule of the army with their rules, regulations, and lyrium leashes . . . she squashed those thoughts down quickly. That was no longer her life. Now she had to wash clothes and enjoy having time to read recreationally for once. She grabbed her tablet and brought up an e-book. She leaned against the washer facing away from the door as she dove into  _ The Bourne Supremacy _ .

Reading, she had found out rather quickly, was an interesting experience with one eye. She no longer had center vision, so she had to hold reading materials farther to the left than she was used to in order to actually get the full page. That was another reason why she didn’t want Garrett to see her scars yet. She didn’t want to be treated like she was broken, she didn’t want to admit she needed help.

She was distracted from her novel only when voices entered the room. “I’m telling ya, man, you need to get out more. If we weren’t roommates, I’d never see you outside of work!”

“Maker’s breath, Sam, shout it to the world why don’t you?”

“I will. Just a night at the Rose with some buddies. I’m sure there’s  _ something _ there you’d like. Big tits, ass, men, women.” The tall, dark-haired man called Sam grabbed some clothes out of a dryer and put it in a basket. The other was bright red and blonde . . .

“Cullen?” Marian asked, startling both men who seemed to have missed her presence entirely. Did he live here too? It wasn’t like the apartment building was huge or extravagant or anything.

“Marian. Maker, I . . . I didn’t see you.” He rubbed his neck nervously. Both he and Sam were in their work uniforms. ‘Templar’ was an old term still used to refer to police and some military personnel.In the past it was said that Templars patrolled - and abused - mages. With no more magic around, they were more upholders of the law under the state, not the chantry. The only practice still followed was the mandatory use of lyrium to increase strength, performance, and stamina. She noticed Cullen’s stare lingering on her face.

“It’s okay.” She tried to keep a relaxed smile on her face. “I didn’t know you lived here.”

“Decent place for a decent price.” Cullen shrugged.

“And free laundry.”

“Heh, yea. That’s good too.” Cullen agreed. “This is my roommate, Sampson. We work together.”

Sampson had a strange expression about him. “Damn. Gnarly face.”

Marian stiffened, shoulders rolling back slightly. “Nice to meet you too.” SHe muttered with a stiff jaw. Sampson seemed to notice a second after Cullen had elbowed him in the ribs, and backed off just a little.

“So, you Hawke’s newest fling?” His head gesturing to the name on the sweater.

“Sam!”

“No, nothing like that.” Marian said. “I’m Marian. ‘Hawke’s’ sister. I moved in yesterday.”

“Ah, sweet. You’re single then.” Marian’s eyes narrowed towards Sampson.

“Well I--”

“Mari . . . ?” A small voice spoke from the doorway, cutting into the conversation and chilling Marian to the core. A nickname given to her a lifetime ago, used by only one person. That blonde hair . . .

“Anders?”


	5. The Old Flame. A New Spark?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders and Marian don't exactly see eye-to-eye and Varric finally gets to see Marian again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit dramatic, but Marian isn't dealing well and Anders is a stressed student who has a bit of a hot head on his shoulders. I really do like Anders, but he and my Marian just don't really get along well. He's a lot happier within this story later on, they were both just caught off guard and it ended badly. 
> 
> And Varric shows up, yay!

Marian’s chest felt tight, like a vice had a hold on her lungs and squeezed. Anders. Standing right in front of her, walking in all put together and trimmed up while she slouched in a sweater with no bra. Luckily, he looked just as surprised to see her as she was for him.

Marian dated Anders throughout high school. It had been great for a long time, they had been the best of friends, practically inseparable. They spent late nights at the drive-in or biking out to the beach to star gaze late at night. They went to prom together and on double dates with Garrett and whomever he was dating at the time. The hardest thing she had ever had to do was break it off the summer after eleventh grade. Anders was a great friend, but one could only take so much of his rambling and ranting about the corruption of the government and the excessive power of policemen and the military. Relaxing dates to the park or the woods soon were replaced with peaceful protests or city council meetings and petitions. The people he had started to hang around with made her uncomfortable, especially considering her desired occupation. It left her feeling unsafe around him no matter how many times he assured her it was “fine.” The last time she had seen him was the day she shipped out to Ferelden for training.

“Mari? When did you get in? Hawke said it wouldn’t be for a few more days.” Anders gasped, stunned as he stepped forward into the laundry room.

“Got in yesterday. I’ve just been getting settled in.” Marian answered with a small shrug of her one shoulder. She saw the exact moment he actually saw her face from under the hood of Garrett’s sweater.

“Maker, Mari, what happened? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Anders.”

Anders’ eyes narrowed. “Bullshit.”

“You know, Varric said the exact same thing.” Marian smiled, crossing her arm to loosely hook onto the elbow of her sling. Anders didn’t seem amused.

“You’ve seen Varric already?”

“No. It was a text.” Marian said. His undertone was mildly possessive. “Besides, what does it matter? He’s my friend too.”

Anders stepped closer, seeming a bit hesitant to do so. “You should have let me know. I could have--”

“What? Made it awkward and gawked at me with pity? No thanks. No. Don’t touch me!” Marian jerked as he had reached for her.

“Your arm.” He gasped, the sling not visible under the sweater, but he could see the outline. Marian scowled.

“Is none of your business. Last time I checked you were at school to be a vet, not a doctor. I told you, I am fine. Maybe I didn’t publicize my arrival to the world because I  _ wanted _ the time alone.”

Anders met her glare. They were both stubborn and had a tendency to be hot headed; another reason their relationship didn’t last too long. “You’ve barely been around for ten years. I think you’ve spent enough time alone. You got  _ blinded _ , Mari. You can’t shut yourself away. Those monsters--”

“Don’t tell me what to do! Don’t you dare. I gave my life to my team, do  _ not _ drag them through the mud that is your social justice soapbox.” She shoved a finger at his chest and he took a step back. “Maybe I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want you staring at me like a fucking kicked puppy. When I say I’m fine I mean: Leave. It. Alone.”

Fuming, Marian moved to leave, but Anders grabbed her left wrist gently. He had that damn stubborn look in his eyes she knew all too well. “Let me go, Anders.”

“Not until you actually talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to say.”

“There’s ten maker-forsaken  _ years _ to say something about! A ‘hello’ would have been nice, not some copy/paste email with three sentences. You never mentioned you were disabled! What happened out there?”

Marian glared, yanking her arm free. “I can’t tell you.”

“Can’t or won’t?” Anders retorted. She got the sudden urge to smack him. The arrogance! What kind of right did he think he had? She felt angry tears threatening to spill as she could  _ see _ the pity, the sadness, the fucking sympathy in his eyes. It was one of her worst fears about coming home.

“Goodbye Anders.” She said firmly, leaving into the hall.

“Marian!”

“Mare?” Garrett’s voice mixed with Anders’. He stood with Varric, Fenris, Brad, and a redhead woman talking with the two from the lounge.

“Oh fuck.” She growled, turning and going in the opposite direction down the hall. Forget her tablet, her laundry, everything, she just wanted to disappear.

Garrett had been surprised to see his sister downstairs, let alone coming out of the laundry room arguing with Anders! Isabela had said Merrill thought she saw someone fitting her description walking past but . . .

“What did you say to her?” he demanded, walking up to Anders fiercely. His relationship with the man was pretty good, but he knew Anders could easily rile up his sister, especially now.

“Nothing she hasn’t heard before, Hawke. I was . . . taken off guard.”

“So was she! Though maybe you had your head so far up your ass you couldn’t tell.” He’d be the first to admit that he was too worked up about it, but maybe if circumstances were different he would have let it go. But Marian was dealing with a lot of shit, she was . . . different, and she didn’t need Anders on her tail too.

“She was avoiding us.”

“Give her one goddamn day!” Garrett didn’t mean to shout. “There’s a lot to adjust back to.”

“Well boo-hoo, Hawke. She’s not the only one dealing with a lot Hawke, you should know all about that. She’s not special in that effect.”

“Knock it off, Blondie. You too Hawke. You’re both too steamed for this. Go do whatever it is you two do to cool down.  _ I’ll _ go talk to Freckles.”

“Varric, I’m not sure...”

“Trust me, Hawke. I know how to help.”

***

Marian slammed the door to the apartment shut, tears flowing furiously as she stormed to her room. The instant she had left the hallway she wanted to crumple up and cry.  _ Get it together, Marian. You don’t cry! _

She was angry. Angry at Anders, Garrett, the situation, her Commander, herself . . .  When had she become so weak? When had every little thing grown the ability to hurt her? She sat on the floor of her bedroom against the foot of her bed,  _ really _ regretting leaving all her booze back in Ferelden with the last of the troops. At the time it had seemed like the safest and smartest decision, now . . . 

A knock on her door startled her out of her pity party that was honestly lasting too long. “Go away, Garrett.” She grumbled, head resting on her knees, the hood falling off her head a while ago.

A chuckle she hadn’t heard in a very long time answered. “Not Hawke, Freckles.” Varric opened the door slowly, taking in the situation. “Just your favorite storyteller.” He held a bottle in his hand.

Marian forced a small smile. “I really don’t want to talk about it, Varric.”

Varric, ever the best friend in the whole world, shook his head, closing the door with his foot before sitting beside her on the floor. “Didn’t expect you to. Just wanted to share some brandy with an old friend and see if Bianca would be hitting a blonde in the parking garage any time soon.”

That earned a genuine smile out of Marian, who accepted the offered bottle of Antivan Brandy. “Thanks, Varric.” She whispered. Varric’s heart broke when he heard such a vulnerable voice com from her. He knew better than to ask, she would talk when she was ready, but he hated that something in this world had broken to her core so hard.

“It’s what I do, Freckles.” He said, Marian wiping tears off of her freckle-less cheeks. For a moment there was comfortable silence. Varric was a couple years older than the twins, and sometimes drove them around when he was eighteen and they had been around fourteen. He was close to both Hawke siblings, though he had met Garrett first at an art show within the community. Garrett had been sharing some early drawings while Varric had put some of his early flash fiction on display. They’d been fast friends after Garrett accidentally knocked some spiked punch onto one of his pieces and Varric, on the fly, had worked up a new description and explanation for the drawing so it wouldn’t be considered ruined.

“So . . . you own apartments now.” Marian said softly. Varric grinned.

“Well, couldn’t let the dear old Hanged Man be forgotten, could I?”

“Heh, it was a crappy gas station with even crappier coffee on a lonely street.”

“Well, now it’s a decent apartment with decent residents on a paved street.” Varric replied.

“Touché.” She handed back the bottle so he could take a long swing. She stared at her hand, still engulfed in the sweater and her black hair a tangled mess.

“You grew your hair out.” Varric commented, giving a lock of her shoulder-length hair a playful tug. Marian smiled.

“Yea, now if only I could remember to take care of it.” She quipped, though her heart wasn’t really in it. She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

Varric barely heard the words they were said so quietly. In his attempts to try and lighten her mood, she only seemed to get worse. “‘Sorry’ for what? I’m the one drinking all the good stuff.”

Marian hugged her knees tighter. “For being a shitty friend. For hiding.”

“Maker’s  _ balls _ , Freckles, you’ve been back for a day, you’re allowed to have a few days to just settle.” Varric gasped, annoyed that Anders had gotten under her skin so easily. Marian, the strong, thick-headed kid who ran into trouble and only wanted to help people, who wanted to follow her late father’s example in making a difference. “Don’t let Blondie get you down. He was surprised, you know he doesn’t think before he speaks.”

The shuddering inhale of breath she took shook him to his core. “I don’t know how to be normal anymore. Not really. I just . . . I didn’t want it to be this way. I just wanted a few days to get my head on straight before we had all the happy introductions.” Her hand clenched into a loose fist. “And the way he  _ looked _ at me . . .” Her voice was raw, pained and cut open. A tear slipped down her cheek. She took the bottle of Brandy and took a long drink of it, it burning her throat a little and she set it on the floor in-between them.

A warm hand touched hers, Marian jumping with the sudden contact. Varric. Dammit. What about the dwarf made her spill her guts without him even saying a word? “It’ll be okay, Freckles. Just give it time. All the time  _ you _ need. Then, when you’re ready, we can all get together and play Wicked Grace and drink too much.”

Marian smiled and leaned against his shoulder lightly. She wasn’t sure if it was intentional or not, but she appreciated that he sat on her left side. Knowing him, he had been perceptive enough to avoid her blind side for the time being. “That sounds nice.” she agreed. Damn she had missed him, he still smelled the same: leather, ink, and wood dust. She had joked about bottling his smell up to use against enemies before she left, now she really wished she had because  _ fuck _ it was relaxing. “Keep talking.”

Varric chuckled, nursing the bottle. “About?”

“Anything. The uh . . . tell me about Garrett’s friends. Simple stuff.” Varric grinned and nodded.

“Ah, info on Hawke’s band of misfits. Let’s see . . . well, best to start with Broody . . .” He went through each person. Fenris, nicknamed Broody for “obvious reasons.” An elf raised as a slave in Tevinter until he escaped and moved to Kirkwall under asylum. He and Hawke met by pure circumstance and eventually, Hawke was able to convince him to work at the tattoo parlor. Aveline, Red, was a top social services worker usually working with the court system and the police to fight domestic abuse and illegal trafficking. Isabela, or Rivaini, owned a cafe and bar specializing in Rivain goods. Merrill, her girlfriend nicknamed Daisy, worked with her. Anders was still going to school for his PH.D and Varric, of course, went on and on about his next few book projects.

“Of course, you have an idea what Hawke’s up to, though I’m not sure how much he told you. Heh, quite the group he’s got now, eh Freckles? Hey . . .” Varric looked over at Marian. Listening to him talk, she had slouched lower on the ground so she could lean her head on his shoulder. Her even, calm breathing told him she had fallen asleep. The storyteller in him should be offended, but from the dark circles under her eyes, she seemed to need the sleep. “Heh, okay, let’s make sure you don’t get a cramp.” He said, gently shifting so he could lift her up in his arms and lay her down on the bed. He was glad she didn’t wake up with the disturbance as he laid her blanket over her legs and smoothed her hair back. “Sleep well, Freckles.” Varric whispered, allowing his hand to linger just slightly and his gaze to commit her relaxed face to memory.

He could see what Garrett had meant when he argued with Anders. Normally she could take a disagreement, but right now she was dealing with something a lot bigger than they understood. Hopefully there was some way they would be able to help. 


	6. The Hawke Family Temper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some background information is made known about Garrett and Marian's relationship.
> 
> Not the happiest with this chapter, but it's more of a transition than anything.

Chapter 6

Garrett made sure to give Marian some space for the next couple of days, letting her settle in and adjust. He had been startled by her injuries at first, he hadn’t expected something so bad. When he asked about it she told him she couldn’t say what happened. She had been ordered by her commanding officer to keep things quiet for the time being. He desperately wanted to help her in some way, it hurt to see her so secluded and quiet, but he wasn’t going to try and rush her into anything.

Seeing her again hadn’t been as difficult as he had originally thought it would. While he tried to keep their rather substantial fight out of his mind, it was ever present due to their trip to see Leandra over the next weekend. The last time they had had dinner as a family it almost came to blows. No one in the family heard from Marian for  _ years _ afterwards.

Carver had been talking about joining the police academy. Marian was on leave after being gone for three years and had gone ballistic, basically forbidding Carver from applying. Carver being . . . Carver, hadn’t liked that at all.

 

_ “You can’t tell me what to do, Marian! You’re not my mother!” _

_ “I might as well be. No brother of mine is going to become enslaved to lyrium.” Marian shouted, slamming her hands down on the table, glasses clattered and Carver glared murderously at his older sister. _

_ “Marian!” _

_ “No, mother. You don’t know what they do. None of you fully understand how bad it is within the government. I’m not letting him.” _

_ Garrett, annoyed with the constant bickering, snarled: “You’re starting to sound a lot like Anders.” _

_ Marian turned on him with an angry glare. “Don’t you  _ dare _.” _

_ “What? Carver’s an adult. Beth’s at college. He can choose what he wants to do.” Garrett retorted. “Besides, last time I checked weren’t  _ you _ on that supposed drug leash as well? You’re acting like a hypocrite.” Even at the time he had known his words were harsh, but none of the Hawke children were ever good at keeping their tempers in check. _

_ “Oh, you wanna go?” Marian shouted, Leandra gasped and grabbed a glass that threatened to tip. _

_ “Enough you two! Honestly, you’re acting like children. Marian, sit down.” _

_ “You can’t honestly-” _

_ “Shut up!” Carver growled. “What, are  _ you  _ the only one who can go off on her own and help people? You’re not special! You can’t stop me just because you have a superiority complex!” _

_ Marian growled, hands clenching a napkin. “I’m trying to help you.” _

_ “Marian just stop.” Garrett stood, looking to his twin. He grabbed her arm and pulled her from the dining room. He yanked her into the living room and put his hands on his hips. “That’s enough, Mare. You’re going insane.” _

_ “Because no one else is doing anything.” Marian said sharply, “You really want to see him under  _ Meredith?  _ She’s bat-shit!” _

_ Garrett crossed his arms. “So? You know once he sets his mind to something there’s no talking him out of it.” He sighed. “What’s gotten into you, Mare? You’re all Anders-crazy about this shit. It’s not like you.” Marian sighed. _

_ “Stuff it, Garrett.” _

_ “No, I want to know. You are on lyrium with the military, right?” _

_ “Shut up! Don’t you  _ dare _ go acting like you know  _ anything  _ about me. We practically raised Carver and Beth and now you don’t even give a damn! You just sit in that damn studio of yours all day!” _

_ Garrett’s fists clenched. “Well what about you? You disappear for years and never call or anything but expect to be able to come back here and tell us  _ all _ what to do? That’s not fair, you don’t get that right. Carver was right, you want to be the only officer, don’t you?” _

_ A finger jabbed his chest. “Don’t You. Dare. I’m trying my best. Don’t you judge me. I will not let my brother willingly become a drug addict! For the record, no. I am fighting the higher ups to  _ stop _ the encouragement of recreational drugs with everything I have. Maybe you should just listen to me for once.” _

_ “For once? I’ve listened to you our whole lives! The last thing I need is a manic control freak shoving propaganda down my throat. If it was really so dangerous wouldn’t there be warnings out? Wouldn’t we be told about it? Maybe you should listen to  _ us _ for a change.” _

_ Marian’s eyes sparked with anger, a temper they no doubt inherited from their late father. “The next time I need advice from a man who draws tits on people’s arms and fills his free time as someone’s  _ bitch _ , I’ll give you a call.” _

 

They both had let their tempers run away from them that day, though the words still stung when Garrett thought about it. Marian had left after that without another word. He hadn’t talked to her after that until recently. Carver had graduated the police academy and seemed to be thriving, but that didn’t lessen the threat of another possible fight if tempers flared.

“Hawke.” A cup was slammed down beside him at his table, jolting him out of his head. “Andraste’s tits, Hawke, you were zoned out hard. What can I get for you?” Isabela asked. Instead of heading home right away after work he had decided to drop by the  _ Siren’s Call _ owned by the woman herself.

“Ah, oh, sorry, ‘Bela. Lost in thought.” Hawke gasped, staring down at the empty table below.

Isabela chuckled. “Merrill was trying to get ahold of you for ten minutes. Then called me over.” She crossed her arms and leaned her hip on the edge of the table. “So, what’s got you all distracted?”

“Nothing really. My mind just wandered.”

Isabela smiled. “How’s the new Hawke adjusting?”

Garrett chuckled. “She’s not new, ‘Bela. But she’s doing good.”

“You’ll have to bring her around sometime. Play some Wicked Grace, have some beer. A good time.”

“Heh, eventually, ‘Bela. You’ll be the first to know when it happens.”

She grinned and winked, leaning over just a  _ bit _ too far, “I’ll hold you to that, Hawke.” She walked to her other table with a sway in her hips.

 

Once he finished his beer, Garrett decided to head home. To his surprise, he was greeted by a delicious smell he couldn’t place. “I’m home.” He called, dropping his jacket on the arm of the couch. Then, he went towards the kitchen. Marian stood in a grey t-shirt and some jeans with her support brace on her right arm. He couldn’t see her face from where he stood. She was styling her dark hair to cover her wounded side now-a-days.

“Mm, smells good, Mare. When did you learn how to make food?” Marian laughed. Maker, he had been far away from his twin for so long, he’d forgotten how great it was to have her around - even if she was a pain in the ass.

Marian grinned. “I’ll never tell.” She said and made a ‘shooing’ motion with her hand. “Go! I’ll be out in a minute.”

Garrett knew better than to argue, sitting on the couch and turning on the news. Another police raid happened in Darktown. That was the third one in a week. Garrett only knew all of the details because of Anders and passing conversations with Cullen. Police Chief Meredith was cracking down on crime, but apparently had some worrying fears about an uprising. For now it felt like nothing but . . .

“Here you go, you’re favorite. Mom’s homemade veggie and ram stew.” Marian set a bowl into his hand and sat down beside him with her own.

Garrett smirked. “A Leandra recipe?” He tasted some of the thick stew and groaned. Okay, it was pretty damn good. “Mm, damn, Mare, pretty good.”

“Thanks. I had to scour my documents folder for the recipe.” Marian smiled, a genuine, happy smile.

“You wouldn’t happen to be making this to get out of our dinner with mom, would you?”

“Pfft, what? No! Can’t a girl just make food for her brother?”

“Not when said girl used to burn water.”

“Ha! That was one time, are you ever going to let that go?”

Garrett smirked, “Never.”

Marian groaned and he poked her side. “Fine,  _ maybe _ I want to skip out on the dinner. So I wanted to make you sick of mom’s food.” She stared down at her bowl, letting her spoon drop back into it. “You  _ know _ how she is. I can’t deal with her judgement.”

Garrett set his bowl on the side table, turning to face her. “I know she’s . . . uhm . . . well, she can kinda be a little . . .”

“Bitchy?”

“Yea, I guess that word works. But she does care and she was so happy to plan this dinner with all five of us, six if Gamlen gets off his ass.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “It’ll be okay.”

Marian sighed, her hands clenching around the bowl. “It’s not really her I’m worried about. It’s me. I’m not myself. I’m very . . . irritable. Even her just being her . . . I blew up at Anders, I’ll blow up at her too. We all know how well that went last time.”

“We  _ all _ let our anger get ahead of us then, Mare.”

“Yea, but mom blames me.”

Garrett smiled. “Don’t worry. How about this, we go and can leave if you start to feel like you need to escape. That way mom gets her dinner and we don’t have to deal with classic Hawke-Family tempers.”

Marian chuckled, nodding. “Okay, I can live with that.”

“Good because there was  _ no _ way you were getting out of it. I’ve been dealing with her family dinners for years, you owe me at least ten.”


	7. Family Drama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AKA Carver is a tit and Marian has no chill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no apologies for how much of an asshole Carver is, I do however apologize for the drama. So much drama. It gets better soon, I promise!

Marian promised to be good. She wore her best pair of jeans and her cleanest button-up shirt, even brushed the snarls out of her hair. She  found some concealer at the dollar store to hide as much of her scars as possible. Leandra would still notice, but it was something. Eventually she would go out to get better civilian clothes, she was sure Bethany would make a comment on her worn outfit, but for now it would have to do. Maker she had missed Beth. Garrett parked the car in front of Leandra’s home and sighed. “Remember, if you need to leave, just let me know. Text me or something.”

Marian nodded. “I know the plan, Gare.” She said, getting out of the car. “Does Bodahn still work for mom?”

“Yea. He and Sandal.”

“Wow. I’m surprised they can handle it. Ow! Hey.”

“Be nice.” Garrett chided firmly. He had been the unofficial family mediator since their father passed. He had to admit he wasn’t very good at it, but they were all still alive so far, right?

“I’ll try, but I make no promises.”

“Just keep the ‘sass’ to a minimum, okay?” He rang the doorbell and Bodahn Feddic, an old family friend, answered the door with a large, shining smile.

“Oh, master Garrett, Mistress Marian. It is so good to see you.” He opened the door to let them in.

“Bodahn, you know you don’t have to address us with titles.” Garrett said with his signature grin. Then Garrett grabbed Marian’s hand and tugged her into the Hawke family dining room.

“There they are!” Leandra’s voice carried across the room and Marian involuntarily cringed.

_ No. It’s okay. She’s loud, always has been when she’s excited _ . Marian thought, forcing herself to relax.

Leandra grabbed Garrett into a massive hug, squeezing his arms tightly before she moved to Marian. Leandra’s eyes scanned her daughter with calculating precision before pulling her into a hug. Her arms wrapped around Marian carefully, holding her like glass; it made Marian’s skin crawl. The severe contrast between the treatment of her and Garrett physically hurt. She and her mother had never had the smoothest relationship, they always seemed to butt heads and disagree on her life goals, but never in her life had she been treated as if she were breakable by anyone. Even when she had broken her knee in sixth grade and directly afterwards gotten a concussion.

“Oh, Marian, look at you! You look . . . great.” Leandra grinned, though it felt a little ingenuine. “Oh, your face.” Her mother’s chilly fingers touched her face and Marian jumped with the sensation and jerked back.

“O-oh uh . . . yea. Yea, please . . . don’t touch.” Marian gasped, trying to keep her voice calm and even. Leandra looked concerned.

“I’m sure a doctor could--”

“I’m fine, mom. Fine.” Marian interrupted, “It’s good to see you too.” She whispered. Leandra nodded as Bethany ran up and pulled both Marian and Garrett into a crushing hug.

“Ohmigosh! You guys made it!” she gave them a second squeeze and Garrett laughed.

“Hey there, college girl! Oof, whoa there, what a grip.” He grunted as he was squeezed. Marian smiled as the hug finally ended.

“Oh Beth, look at how beautiful you are.” Marian gasped, giving a quick hug back to her sister. “It’s good to see you. You too Carver.” She said over Bethany’s shoulder to her brooding younger brother that stood by the table, still dressed in his officer's uniform.

“You too.” He said, his arms crossed over his chest. He gave a small nod to Garrett as well. Leandra seemed more than pleased that any initial tension had not led to a fist fight. It was a good sign that her children were trying, even if Marian’s reaction to her mother’s touch had rattled Leandra.

Dinner was served - fresh salads and salted meat with potatoes - and they all took their seats as if none of the children had ever left home; the head of the table remained empty. Ever since they had been kids, Marian sat by Leandra on the right of the table with Garrett across from Leandra on the left. Carver sat in front of Marian with Bethany at the end of the table - across from Malcolm’s place. The food smelled amazing and Garrett grinned.

“Mm, really great, mom.” He said, shoving a forkful in his mouth. “Y’know, Mare made one of your recipes the other day. It turned out really good.” He praised. Bethany snickered at the idea of her sister cooking, but Leandra looked surprisingly . . . pleased.

“Really!” She gasped, eyes brightening. “Oh, I could give you more of them. You’d make a man very happy someday if you can keep it up.” Marian shot a glare at Garrett that could burn through a skull. She mouthed ‘I hate you’ across the table as Leandra babbled about transitioning from soldier to housewife at a tiring rate. She was very excited that her ‘disappointing daughter’ would have what Leandra considered a proper future. Marian had to bite her tongue to keep from snapping at her mother multiple times.

“So, Beth.” Marian inserted the question into the lull of conversation that finally presented itself. “How’s school been?”

Bethany smiled, taking a sip of wine. “Great. I have a couple of digital art classes this semester and I’m finishing up my bio gen-ed.”

“That’s cool. You’ll have to show me some of your pieces.”

“I have my portfolio in my backpack. I could show you. There are quite a few nudes from life drawing last year though.” Marian chuckled.

“Trust me. I don’t think a naked body could scare me at this point.” Bethany giggled in reply.

“True. You probably saw plenty out with the soldiers.”

Marian faked a shivering cringe. “Traumatized.” It was nice to be able to joke like old times. Even if it was just for a little while. “If I never see a naked man again it’ll be too soon . . .”

 

Dinner went well and soon led to dessert. Carver barely said a world all night. Garrett was worried for what that meant for later, but it was good to see Marian laugh and joke with Bethany. After dessert they moved to the study where Bethany showed Marian her portfolio from the last year while Leandra caught up with her sons. Garrett knew luck had been amazing so far and that anything could explode in a second. He couldn’t have been more right.

“ . . . it’s going great mom. At least  _ someone _ cared to ask.” Carver said argumentatively; there was no need to question who he had meant the jab for. 

Marian turned from her chat with Bethany to look Carver directly in the eye. “Excuse me?”

Carver glared and Garrett saw Leandra stiffen. “You heard me. You didn’t even bother to ask about me. Just Beth.”

Marian’s nose crinkled. “I was trying to keep tonight civil.” She said through gritted teeth.

“Oh, so you’re now incapable of talking to me?”

“Carver.” Garrett tried to interject, but Marian’s hands were in fists. She had been holding in a lot since Garrett’s comment about her cooking to Leandra.

“Well it’s pretty obvious all you want to do is argue.” Marian was fighting everything she had not to say more. Obviously Carver had more to say, however.

“Oh, so now that I’m in a profession  _ you _ don’t approve of we can’t talk? I’m  _ sorry _ I’m not living up to your expectations.” Marian stood, her right arm knocking against a book on the side table, but she didn’t seem to notice or care.

“No. It’s because you’re hard headed and stubborn and can’t let things go!”

“Stop treating me like a child, Marian!”

“Stop  _ acting _ like a child.”

Bethany stood and went to her mother. “Perhaps we should . . .” she gestured towards the door as Carver continued.

“We do just  _ fine _ without you here! You don’t need to play parent all the time.”

“It wasn’t exactly my decision, Carver.”

“Oh, no, right. You just  _ killed _ your entire team and had the military hide it under an ‘honorable discharge’.”

The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. How did Carver know anything about the means behind her discharge? Garrett barely knew anything. She said she couldn’t say. He wondered if Carver’s contacts within the law enforcement field were connected to the military; it wasn’t too unheard of.

Marian looked ready to throttle her younger brother, hands shaking at her sides.

“Outside. Now.” Her teeth were grinding together, but Carver stood his ground.

“No. What, ashamed your family will find out what you did? That you’re not a perfect war hero like dad?”

“Carver!”

“No, Garrett!” Carver spat. He turned back on Marian. “I heard about the incident. How your whole team died except for you. You just got some scratches on your face.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Garrett was startled to hear Marian’s voice crack.

“No, I do know. It was your fault! Everyone within law enforcement knows it. I bet you weren’t strong enough right?”

“Shut up.”

“You don’t take lyrium, you aren’t prepared. You put your entire squad at risk.”

“I did not!”

“You  _ killed _ twelve people!”

“No I didn’t!” Marian screamed, a resounding smack of skin-on-skin echoing through the room as her fist met his face. Carver toppled back, holding a broken nose as Marian shook with anger. You have  _ no  _ idea what you are talking about, and if you’re smart you’ll keep your damn mouth shut.” she hissed.

Before she could get another shot in - or Carver could open his fat mouth and make things worse - Garrett swooped by, grabbed Marian by the arm, thanked Leandra for the meal, and left the abode.

***

Marian didn’t say a word the entire ride home. She sat stock still in the passenger seat staring intently out the window. Garrett tried to talk to her a few times but got no response. Instead, they spent the entire drive in utter silence, the only sound the hum of the engine and the tires on paved road.

Garrett breathed a sigh of relief when they finally got to the parking garage. He parked the car and stretched as he got out. It wasn’t until he reached the doorway to the apartments that he realized Marian hadn’t moved. With a bit of hesitation in his steps he strode back to the car and opened the passenger side door. “Hey, Mare. We’re back.” He whispered. She barely blinked. “Come on. We can go upstairs and get some coffee or . . . booze. Lots and lots of booze. Fen always has a steady supply at his place.” He offered his hand. He’d carry her if he had to. He wasn’t about to leave his sister alone in his car in the middle of a parking garage in the middle of Lowtown Kirkwall. He wondered if she needed a doctor. Some soldiers he’d met had needed help for PTSD upon their return, she obviously had something eating away at her inside. Knowing Carver he doubted what was said was the whole truth, but he also wondered how she did lose her team. She had mentioned the accident once, but never the fact that she was the sole survivor. Maybe Anders or Cullen knew of a therapist he could contact.

Garrett was startled from his thoughts by her voice. “I’m sorry.” she whispered, groaning as she finally unbuckled her seatbelt. “I tried. Carver just . . .”

“I know. To be honest, it lasted longer than I thought it would.” Garrett gave her a small smile, stepping aside so she could get out of the car. “You did your best.”

Marian walked behind her brother, closing the hall door behind them as they climbed up the stairs. “That’s never enough.”

Garrett worried his lip and sighed, unlocking the apartment once they reached the door. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.”

Garrett hesitated, patting Brad’s head and hanging up his jacket. “ _ Need _ to talk about it?”

Marian was quiet. She took off her shoes and sat on the couch. Brad boofed and curled up beside her, his head resting in her lap. Marian curled her fingers into his short, coarse fur. “Carver’s wrong. He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.” She grumbled.

Garrett sat on the opposite side of Brad. He fought to be patient. At least she was . . . sort of talking about it. He scratched Brad’s back in one of his favorite spots and his stubby tail wiggled. “So what  _ did  _ happen?”

Marian cringed. “An accident. People died, a lot of them. I . . . Garrett I can’t talk about it. It’s still classified until the investigation is over.”

“Investigation?”

She grit her teeth, Garrett could see her jaw moving stiffly. “I’m going to bed.” She slipped out from under Brad and escaped to her room with a slam of the door.


	8. Boy's Night, Girl's Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some bonding time amongst friends and Varric/Hawke fluff  
> ENJOY!

“Come on, let’s make this interesting.” Anders said, throwing a few more coins onto the table, a few bouncing off some of the empty alcohol bottles on the table. Garrett grinned, flushed from his wine and hanging a bit too much on Fenris’ shoulder. Varric laughed, enjoying the ‘boys night’ of Wicked Grace. The girls had been invited, but none showed.

“I’ll drink to that, Blondie.” Varric agreed, tossing his own bet in. “You’re bluffing.”

“Yoooou can’t know that.” Anders slurred and Nathaniel snorted.

“You suck at this.” He whispered into his ear, getting a little handsy with his boyfriend.

Varric sighed. He knew pulling out the strong stuff so early had been a bad idea, but it had been a tough week for all of them. Garrett with the incident at his mom’s. Fenris and his whole broody thing with Danarius. Anders with school and stress and Nate dealing with Anders. Varric, himself, had been dealing with Bartrand and his nagging. Talking all about how Varric needed to help the family business and stop ‘goofing off’. Varric took another draw of brandy.

“Hey Broody, take your turn.” Varric chuckled when the game paused and he heard his phone chime.

{Freckles 10:50 PM}   
[Garrett with u?]

Varric smiled, having been texting with her more often lately. He knew he shouldn’t enjoy it so much, shouldn’t get the strange butterfly feeling in his gut when she initiated contact. He had Bianca . . . sort of. He  _ loved _ Bianca. Marian was a good friend, too bad not all of his brain seemed to know that.

{Me 10:53 PM}  
[Yea. Wicked Grace night]  
[Need something?]

{Freckles 10:57 PM}  
[Just cheeking]  
[Checking*]  
[No big deal]  
[don’t tell him]  
[thx]

Now that was odd. Her days seemed to fluctuate between good and bad. It wasn’t odd, though he wished she’d talk about it. She  _ needed _ to talk about it and Garrett sure as hell wasn’t getting anywhere with her.

{Me 11:00 PM}  
[Wanna join?]  
[We got an extra chair]

{Freckles 11:03 PM}  
[No. Thanks for the offer]

{Me 11:04 PM}  
[Ok. Offer stands.]

He waited a moment but didn’t receive a reply after that. He hoped she was okay, but he turned back to his cards and grinned as Hawke had raised the bet again.

***

Isabela and Merrill, upon being properly introduced to Marian, instantly absorbed her into their loving embrace. Isabela had had every intention of going to Varric’s to take his money when she got a text from Marian asking if she was available. Isabela immediately called Merrill and Aveline together to have a ‘girls night.’ Marian needed it and it had been a while for the three friends anyway.

That was how, at 11:30 PM, they ended up in Isabela and Merrill’s apartment on the floor with ice cream, rom-coms, and hard lemonade. Pillows and blankets were piled in the living room against the couch and Isabela only had a dim light on aside from the TV. She only had three rules for a girls night: 1) no talking about work unless it’s for juicy gossip, 2) bras are prohibited by midnight, and 3) everyone pitches in to pay for booze.

“Okay, so, how did you guys meet Garrett?” Marian asked in the lull between sappy movies.

“A series of unfortunate events.” Avelin muttered and popped open another bottle. The redheaded social worker wore lime green PJs with little stars on them.

Merrill, the adorable elf, grinned. “Varric calls us a merry band of misfits. I met Hawke on a run for supplies for the store.”

“I slept with him in the old pub.” Isabela said casually. “That was before Kitten and I got together.”

Marian chuckled. That  _ definitely _ sounded like Garrett. She was actually surprised when Garrett said he and Fenris had been together for about a year now. “And his ‘band’ does . . . ?”

“Oh, this and that. Errands for the elderly, ‘scavenger hunts’, looking out for Avelin’s kids . . .”

“So, vigilante work.” Marian said with a sigh and Isabela grinned.

“About right.”

“Of course.”

Merrill held up a hand full of popcorn. Maker was she precious. “Do we call  _ you _ Hawke as well?”

“Uhm . . . well I guess you could if you wanted, but Marian is fine.” She assured them. “Two ‘Hawkes’ might get confusing.”

Merrill giggled. “That’s true.” Marian chuckled as Isabela sidled herself between Marian and her elven girlfriend.

“So, you know Anders and our fuzzy dwarf very well?”

“I thought no boys . . .”

“No  _ work _ . Boys are  _ always _ allowed. Especially if juicy gossip is involved.” Isabela winked and gave her arm a nudge. Marian chuckled.

“No real gossip here. It’s been ten years.”

“Even better. Tell us about young Tethras.”

Marian sighed, remembering Varric from high school and how he’d spent more time scribbling plots in an old composition pad than in his notes and how he got dress-coded multiple times for ‘distracting exposure’ in class. He hadn’t really changed since then, and she was a little happy about that.

“Varric hasn’t changed much. Same shirts, same jokes. Anders though, his soapbox definitely had more miles back then.”

“ _ More _ ? He was worse?” Aveline grinned.

“Oh yea. He’s practically normal compared. It was one reason why we broke up.” Marian jumped as a fountain of alcohol spewed from Isabela’s mouth.

“Holy Maker’s throbbing dick, you and pretty-boy Anders?”

Marian couldn’t breathe she was laughing so hard. She had to take a few gasping breaths. “Hahaha yea, yea you can put it like that.” She said, holding her sides. “For four years.”

“Four years?”

“All of high school. We broke up before I left for Ferelden.”

Isabela thought a moment. “Wait, wait. That’s what that whole spat was about? An old high school relationship?” She squinted slightly. “I didn’t think Anders was that petty.”

“No, no really.” Marian assured her, not really having seen Anders since then and she didn’t mind that. She’d dealt with enough of her past for one week. “It was more about the surprise. We both didn’t expect to see one another. Not right away. We weren’t ready and we both tend to get . . . defensive. Garrett is the easier Hawke to get along with, aside from Bethany.”

Merrill looked up then, picking up their next movie and placing it in the DVD player. “What about Varric? Did you two date as well?” Isabela gasped tightly and looked like she might just burst.

“What?! Hah, no no no. We’re just friends.” Marian gasped, her thumb tracing the pattern of the hard lemonade bottle. “I mean, come on, he’s got a girlfriend already.”

“What? Bianca? I don’t think she exists.” Aveline muttered and Marian laughed.

“No, no I’ve seen her from a distance. No real details, but she’s real. He’s crazy about her. You guys haven’t seen her around?”

Isabela met her eyes. “No, he’s never been with anyone as far as I’ve known him. Well, no one steadily.”

“And the way he looks at you made me think there was something.” Merill added.

_ Looks at me _ ? Marian thought and shook her head. No, those were dangerous thoughts that she’d long since pushed behind her. “Nope. Best friends, that’s about it.” She assured as the movie started and she was thankful. She hated that topic. She’d had feelings for Varric Tethras since she met him, but he was in a committed relationship and basically explained that he was a ‘one dwarf man’. It had hurt, but she was able to get over it and move on, sort of. She had hoped that her time away in the military would help with that, but nope. Everything came back in a rush when she came back and it was hard to try and deal with those feelings again. He still has a girlfriend. Bianca is still in his life and, even though she doesn’t know anything about the dwarf, she know’s that Varric adores her. Named his prized car after her. And besides, he was into dwarves.  _ No. You’re best friends. Drinking buddies. That’s all Marian and you’re okay with that. _


	9. Secrets and Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got a bit more dramatic than planned, I apologize. HOWEVER, the ending will be a reward, I promise.

“We can head out in a minute, Fen. Just gotta grab Mare’s wallet. Beth’s meeting her at the café for some shopping or something.” Garrett chuckled as he walked into her bare room. Aside from some clothes in her closet, she really hadn’t added anything since she moved in. Fenris muttered an acknowledgement from the living room. The had a date planned, but Marian had called because she forgot her wallet. “Duffel bag. Duffel bag. Aha!”

He found her jacket and military duffel shoved under her bed. She said her wallet would be near those. He pulled both out in front of him and settled down on his knees before lifting her jacket and checking each pocket. Most were empty aside from the odd piece of lint or gum wrapper, but when he flipped it over he heard a jingle and a thud. Her wallet had slipped out and landed in her open bag.

“Bingo.” he breathed and reached into her bag. Right as he grabbed the wallet his hand hit something hard and he pulled his hand back with the sting of his fingernails hitting glass. It was a jar covered by a t-shirt.

Curiosity getting the better of him he lifted the jar. It was filled with something that sounded like coins or jewelry. When he could finally peer inside he saw that it was dog tags. At least a dozen or so. He shifted the jar in his hand with care. He couldn’t read the names through the glass, but he had to wonder why they hadn’t been returned to family members of the deceased. He knew soldiers each had two, but why would Marian get one of them?

He reached back in the bag while keeping his eyes on the jar and his hands met paper. If asked, Garrett would have claimed worry for his twin was what made him go through the items, but deep down he knew it was plain curiosity and disgusting nosiness. Setting the jar down beside him, Garrett pulled out the pages he had found.

It was an official army letterhead that greeted him, crisp colors against white paper. He frowned when the names on the letterhead were General Henrick Dorin and M.D. Celeste Trast of the Ferelden Army.

_ It is my medical opinion, after running a physical and psychological diagnostic on Sgt. Marian R. Hawke, that further medical care is required. Sgt. Hawke sustained injuries to her right eye and shoulder on 9:31 Dragon and was treated under Doctor Celeste. _

_ Attached is an order for Sgt. Hawke to receive psychological care for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), night terrors, and survivor’s guilt upon the start of her discharge. Recommendations for -- _

Garrett’s hands gripped the paper as he didn’t read the letter any further. He didn’t need to.

Whatever had happened to his sister, it had done damage to her, and he knew for damn sure that she had not been receiving any kind of medical care. He folded the page and shoved it in his pocket before placing the jar back and grabbing her wallet. He wouldn’t let this ruin his date, but she was  _ not _ getting out of talking this time.

***

Marian had a bad feeling the instant she had received Garrett’s first text. After he sternly gave her her wallet outside the café, she had gotten a text from him saying that they needed to talk. It didn’t get any better when she returned to the apartment around 8:30PM. The tension was palpable within the living area and she saw Garrett sitting on he couch with Brad. Garrett stood after she closed the door. “Hey. What’s going on?” She whispered. He was angry.  _ Pissed _ . 

Garrett crossed his arms and scowled. He was still in his grey button-up shirt and black slacks. It had been tremendously hard for him to not lividly rush out towards Marian and forgo his date. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the paper, he unfolded it and tossed it onto the coffee table. “No more secrets, Marian.” his voice was steely.

Marian gasped and bent to look at the paper. Her eyes went from confused to angry and she glared at him. “You went through my stuff?”

“I was grabbing your wallet.”

“You went through my stuff!” she growled, crumpling the paper into a ball. “You went through  _ my _ stuff. You have no right--”

“You’ve been lying to me.” Garrett snapped. “Mental treatment? Trauma? If a military doctor said you needed to talk to a professional, you could have talked to me. You’ve been hiding everything.”

“No. I haven’t--”

“You were ordered for treatment! Massive mental assistance. You have a jar full of dog tags!  _ Something _ big happened and I want to know what.”

“It’s none of your damn business.” Brad whimpered when Marian yelled, her hands balled in tight fists.

“You’re living with me. That makes it my business.” Garrett retorted. “I want to know why. Why you ignored that order. Why you have been lying to me.” he met Marian’s firey gaze with an equal amount of heat. He understood that she needed time, but Garrett needed to make sure Marian was safe. That she was getting what she needed.

Marian glared, her eyes getting misty and her teeth grinding together. “I wasn’t lying. I was . . . advised to not speak of it. I was listening to my commanding officer.”

Garrett crossed his arms again. “So you’ll just suffer alone? You’ll disregard direct orders and put yourself at risk? How long have you been dealing with this? Are you always hiding your pain? Screaming on the inside? You don’t need to do that around family.”

Marian sighed, running a hand through her hair and turning so her blind side faced him. “It’s more complicated than that, Garrett.”

“Then explain it to me!”

“I can’t!” Marian shouted, “I would if I could but I can’t. No one understands that! I don’t  _ need _ a doctor. I don’t  _ need _ mental help. I’m not crazy, I just need to be left alone.”

“No one said you were crazy.”

Marian groaned. “You haven’t seen the full report they made. You haven’t . . .”

“Because you haven’t let me. You’ve told me nothing. It’s been a month! You can’t hide forever. You shouldn’t.” Garrett said firmly. He was tired of feeling helpless, of wondering how he could help his sister. And it angered him that she would be so evasive.

“What are you saying, Gare?”

“I want you to be honest with me. I want to help.”

“Well, maybe I don't want your help.”

Garrett bristled. “Why? Why do you do this to yourself?” he snapped with irritation. “Was Carver right? Are you looking for some kind of attention?”

Marian felt struck, ripped open and raw. Hurt radiated through her but was quickly replaced with anger, hot rage. “Don’t you dare!”

“Well, it’s the only logical reason, right? Why else would you keep on going like this? Torturing yourself?” Garrett snapped. “Why else would you purposefully destroy your-”

“Because I killed them!” Marian screamed, her eyes squeezed shut and Garrett’s mind froze.

“Wh . . . what?”

“I killed them! My whole team. They died, all of them, because of me. That’s why I have their tags. That’s why they want to pump me full of pills and doctor’s visits. That’s why I don’t want to talk about it! Because my team, my friends, people who trusted me, died and it’s all my fault.” her hands shook as she swallowed down tears. “They were slaughtered and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.” Her voice cracked and Garrett felt his whole being sting for his twin. He felt like scum. He should have trusted her, shouldn’t have pushed.

“Mare..”

“No. I don’t want to hear  _ anything _ you have to say.” She hissed as she grabbed the doorknob and yanked it open. “ _ Sorry _ for being such a bother.” She slammed the door shut behind her, a slam that rattled the wall.

“Mare! Marian wait!” Garrett gasped, tripping over Brad as he bolted for the door, but she was gone by the time he got there. He sighed heavily and pressed his head against the door. “Shit. Great job, Hawke. Fan-fucking-tastic.” he groaned.

***

A downside to owning apartments was the late nights. Varric had seen it all: flooding bathrooms, alcohol-induced-fires, nugs in the air ducts, hooligans throwing sheep at the walls. That’s what happened when you build a home for ‘anyone and everyone.’ So when he got a knock on his front door at 9PM, he wasn’t really surprised. He got up with a groan from his desk and stretched his back.

Varric tended to lose track of time, especially when working on his latest novel. The knocking continued. “I’m coming, I’m coming. Oghren I swear if you shoved your bed out the window again . . . Freckles?”

Of all the people he expected to see behind his door, a tear-stained, red-eyed Marian was not one of them. She was in a blue t-shirt and jean shorts but overall looked as if she hadn’t been attacked or something in the streets.

“Andraste’s ass, Freckles, what happened?” He asked.

“Can I stay with you?” She whispered meekly.

Varric chuckled. “You get sex-iled by Hawke again? They should really go to Broody’s place sometimes.” he said, but frowned again when he realized Marian hadn’t laughed at the joke.

“No, we . . . we had a fight.” she whispered, Varric moving aside to let her in and she shuffled to the couch, sitting on the far end and hugging her knees. Concern spread across his features.

“A fight?” He knew Carver tended to cause turmoil with almost anyone, but Garrett and Marian? Yea, they had their spats, they were still getting over the last one and that was a decade old. Though it would explain the frantic text message he had gotten from Hawke an hour ago asking if he had seen or heard from his sister.

“Yea.” Marian whispered. “I went for a walk but . . . it’s late and I didn’t want to go back. Not yet.” she whispered.

Varric settled down beside her and watched her face. Marian just sat staring at her feet, resting her chin against her knees. “Hey. What’s going on Freckles? What’d you fight about?”

She was quiet, her fingers tugging at the hem of her socks. He noticed her shoulders shake slightly and . . . dammit to all of Andraste’s nose hairs she was still crying. He suddenly felt extremely worried. Marian Hawke, high school rugby star, military sergeant, and all-around badass, didn’t cry, not easily. What did Garrett do?

“I-I can’t.” she gasped, squeezing her eyes shut tightly. “I can’t, Varric, please. Please don’t ask me.”

It physically hurt to see her so broken, but Varric knew when to back off. “Okay. What do you need?” he asked.

Marian went quiet again and leaned against his shoulder, a position similar to the one they had shared after she had fought with Aders. Varric felt himself stiffen just slightly as he knew this closeness could be dangerous. Of course he didn’t listen to reason and he put his arm around her shoulders.

Her hair smelled like  _ her _ again, no longer like military grade shampoo and gunpowder. Instead it was sweet, like embrium and fresh laundry. He gently ran a hand through her hair to brush it from her face. One crystal blue eye focused on a single spot below her while the other followed the relative direction, but was covered as if by a foggy mist and surrounded by scars. He suddenly wanted to run his finger along the lines that spread across the upper bridge of her nose to her right temple. Where the hell did  _ that _ come from?

Varric was startled from his thoughts when Marian finally spoke. “I killed them, Varric. Garrett . . . he found my papers . . . he . . . we fought.” her hand clutched her leg. “I killed my squad . . . I-I can’t . . . it’s all my fault and now he-”

Varric pulled her into a tight hug, cutting off anything she was about to say. He didn’t need the whole story, didn’t need anymore details. All he knew was that she was dealing with  _ whatever _ had happened to her and she had come to him. She needed a friend. “Just try to calm down, Freckles, it’s okay. Hey. I’m sure everything will be fine.”

“But he . . .” She sat up a little and swiped her fingers over her cheeks. “He found the order for . . . for my medical treatment. He, I told him. I killed my squad. We were on an assignment and . . . and I fucked up. I made a mistake and now they’re all dead. I--”

“Hey.” Varric brought a hand to her cheek so that he could meet her eye. Maker there was so much pain in there. “You can’t control everything, Freckles. It’s not your fault.”

“It is, Varric! You don’t understand.”

“I don’t have to. Hawke doesn’t think any less of you, neither will anyone else. Mistakes happen, war sucks, death happens. You can’t blame yourself for that. You’ll destroy yourself if you do.” Varric said and looked to her tenderly. “I know you, Marian. You don’t kill people, not by choice. They knew the risks and, unfortunately, something terrible happened. That’s life. I know it feels like shit, but talking about it does help. Right? Bottling it up will only twist the truth.”

A small smile cracked across her face as Marian sniffled. “I . . . I’m pretty sure you wrote that in a book somewhere.”

He smirked. “Changed some of the wording, but yea.” he loved making her smile.

“If I find out it’s from  _ Swords and Shields _ . . .”

“Hey! Romance can have depth.”

“You mean porn.”

Varric feigned a gasp. “I am appalled you would even suggest such a thing! I write only the purest of novels.”

Marian laughed so hard she snorted and held her sides. “Haha! Right, right. Such the saint.” She snickered, leaning her head back on the couch beside his head, cheeks flushed and eyes red. She looked over to him. “Thank you, Varric. I’m sorry for barging in on you.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it Freckles. I need some excitement in my life from time to time.” They were close again. One of his hands that had been previously on her cheek on her thigh. She must have noticed it too because she sat up shortly after.

“I . . . I should go. I . . .” she looked at him and suddenly he was the one pulled into a tight hug. He felt her breath on his ear. “Thanks. You . . . you’re a great friend. I missed you so much.”

“I . . . heh. I missed you too, Freckles.” He hugged her back, instantly missing her as she pulled back and she smiled, brushing some of her hair behind her ear. Was she . . . blushing? She was close, she looked . . . scared.

“So, I uh . . .” she whispered, he waited for her to continue but when she didn’t, he looked back up at her and then her lips were on his, soft and warm. His brain stopped entirely. Her incredibly soft lips were all he knew, all his brain could register. Soft and salty from tears. She made a soft sound as he kissed her back and it was sinfully wonderful. His hand went to the back of her neck as he tasted  _ her _ . Marian Hawke. Sweet and salty, soft and hard. And it ended far too soon as Marian pulled away with a gasp.

“O-oh Maker. Varric I’m sorry I . . .”

He barely had time to register her retreat before the door slammed shut and he slumped back on the couch. He felt like he had been hit by a druffalo and then trampled.

“Fuck.” He groaned, rubbing his forehead as his phone lit up a moment later.

{B. 9:40 PM}   
[Have time to talk?]   
[Miss you<3 ]

Varric looked at the text with a slight frown and wanted to slap himself. “Maker’s fucking ballsack!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at writing romance, forgive me.


	10. Life is too Short

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoa, two chapters in one day?!   
> Warning, the tags for this fic have been updated, so be warned before you read this. An event occurred that had not been previously planned. 
> 
> Trigger Warning: descriptions of violence/death, panic attacks, mild body horror?

Marian was a coward. She ran. She just up and  _ ran _ away from him. What had gotten into her? She had just kissed Varric. Her best friend Varric. Varric as in Tethras and Bianca and exclusiveness! She knew, had known, about her crush for some time, but never dared to act on it. EVER! Damn she was going crazy. Not wanting to return to the apartment, she went to Isabela’s and crashed on their couch and returned back home in the morning. She groaned against the door, knowing Garrett was gone at work, and after kicking off her shoes she slipped down on to the couch. Brad came bounding out of the kitchen happily and instantly settled on her lap, licking her face and panting from pure mabari happiness.

“Heh, okay, okay boy. I get it. Hello to you too.” she chuckled, scratching behind his ears. She checked her phone and had seven texts and three missed phone calls from Garrett. She winced slightly, knowing he was probably worried sick. She hated that she felt upset that there were no messages from Varric.

_ Of course not, idiot. Why would he want to talk to you have there!  _ She groaned and rubbed her forehead and picked up the TV remote, flipping on the science channel. It was halfway through the show about some idiots dramatically fishing on the Waking Sea when her phone chimed.

{Carver 10:11 AM}   
[NEWS. CALL MOM]

Marian stared at the phone blankly for a moment before she flipped to the news. The image was of a reporter standing in front of the University with emergency vehicles nearby. She tensed and felt her chest tighten with dread.

“This is Moira Serann reporting once again from the University of Kirkwall where at 9:45AM a violent attack took place. Those responsible for the attack have not been identified, but three buildings on campus were reportedly the target of homemade bombs: the Humanities building, Criminal Justice Lab, and Dorm C-2. Thirty-seven students have been pronounced dead and another forty are critically injured. The police have yet to release names to the public but we’ll keep you updated as we learn more.”

Marian instantly called Leandra’s phone. “Mom. Mom have you heard from Beth? What dorm was she in? Did you . . . no. Oh Maker no. No. Y-yea. Garrett’s at work. No. I’ll get him. Yea. Yea we’ll be there. Bye.” her voice cracked. Bethany’s dorm had been attacked. Leandra had been called by the hospital after the EMTs had arrived in the emergency bay. Marian’s hands shook as she grabbed her bag, her jacket, and Brad’s leash. She hooked it onto his collar quickly.

“Come on Brad.” she gasped, rushing out the door, barely remembering to shut off the TV.

***

Garrett sighed as he was outlining a tattoo of a rose on a woman in his chair while Fenris spoke with Varric and Isabela near his station’s door. “Thanks for letting her stay the night, ‘Bela. I owe you one.” Garrett said softly. He had spent the whole night worrying over Marian and feeling horrible for what he had said to her, knowing deep down that she - of course - had her reasons for what she did. Varric also seemed a bit subdued, but Garrett wasn’t about to pry into more business.

“No problem, Hawke. She seemed pretty shaken, what the hell happened between the two of you?”

“Just an argument. Nothing  . . ugh. It’s shitty. There, how does that look, Lizbeth?”

“Oh! It’s wonderful!” The client, a brown haired, green eyed girl in a sundress said. “So can we color it in a couple weeks?”

Garrett smiled. “Sure. Set that up with Zevran at the front and we can take care of it.” he said, taking off his rubber gloves. The bell on the door jingled and there was a loud ‘Boof!’ that followed. “Brad?” He left his station and saw Marian push through the door behind the large mabari. “Mare? What . . .” she was pale, shaking. Like she had seen a ghost. She was still in her clothes from yesterday and breathing hard as if she’d run all the way from the apartment to the shop.

“Freckles?”

“Gare. We have . . . mom . . .” she gasped. “Beth. Beth got . . .” she had to take a few steadying breath. “We have to get to mom. There was an accident of the U. Beth is . . . she’s dead.”

All the breath left his lungs. One glance at Fenris and he grabbed his keys. “Come on.” he gasped, knowing that Fenris would take care of his appointments and his station when he could. His mind was going numb, like the world was made of static, buzzing and waiting to reload. Suddenly he had only one job, drive to Leandra’s, get to the hospital. Help. Be strong. Don’t feel and just be there for his family.

***

Bethany laying on the hospital bed, covered by a sheet with burns on her skin and bandages on wounds caused by debris, was haunting. She looked so small and pale and . . . alone. Marian could just imagine her little sister alone and dying. It made her feel ill. Leandra, Carver, and Garrett all stood by as the doctor and Mother Elthina from the chantry spoke to them concerning the event and plans for later. Marian continued to pull back to the far corner of the room, unable to take her eyes off her sibling. No one tried to speak to her, no one tried to guilt her into doing more than she could. 

Bethany’s soft, young face was dead and blackened, hair pulled back in a braid - what was left of it. She was going to be an artist. She was a creator. She brought  _ life _ to things and the world had taken her. Tears slipped down her cheeks and her hands shuddered. She eventually turned her phone off due to all the messages she had been receiving. Her brain was trying to find a way to blame herself for this, to make it her fault for not doing something. She had seen plenty of death over the last decade. The death of enemy Qunari and raiders, terrorists and extremists. Her squad, whose families’ voices still haunted her dreams, but she had never expected Beth to be another casualty. Never thought she’d have to see the life gone from the one Hawke who was kind and warm as sunshine.

The doctor lifted a sheet to cover Bethany’s face, Leandra sobbing into Carver’s shoulder. Garrett was on her other side, stoic and pale. He had been quiet the whole ride over. Unable to stand in the sterile white room any longer. The sour smell of rubbing alcohol, stale air freshener, and death was taking its toll. Casting a look to Garrett briefly Marian left the room and sped out to the parking lot, going to the shady spot they had Brad under. She quickly wrapped her arms around the dog and forced herself to take even breaths. To push down the growing panic that had begun to seize her the moment she saw Beth in the hospital room.

She had been kept medicated and unconscious for three days in the hospital after the attack. When she awoke, pain radiated through her torso and the room was far too dark. The doctor later removed the gauze from around her eyes and she had been unable to open her right eye. Or, she thought she couldn’t, but then had to be told by a night nurse that she had lost the vision in that eye, but was ‘lucky’ to not have lost the eyeball entirely. She spent eleven days in the hospital bed, hooked up to painkillers and going through numerous questionings. Even as she lay in recovery the smell of burning flesh and the taste of blood permeated her pores and would never leave. She heard machines in the other rooms, gossiping nurses, and gunfire, but couldn’t get the screams of her squad out of her mind. She had watched as Trevell’s head was bashed in by a Qunari axe, Abner had been hit with a machine gun, and Freya . . . her best friend, had shoved herself between Marian and the explosion of a land mine. Marian still felt nauseous when she thought of Freya’s burned and mangled skin, her face indiscernible and blood pooling beneath them both. Now she saw Bethany’s face alongside Freya’s: burned and broken.

She had been sworn to secrecy about the campaign against the Qunari and their movement closer to the country’s borders. No one wanted mass panic, but she knew her squad’s mission had been more than it appeared. She hadn’t been able to speak with her commander after her discharge, everything kept secret, under lock and key.

Marian hugged Brad tighter as she tried to push those memories aside. She felt his warm tongue on her face and she smiled weakly.

_ Get ahold of yourself. You’re not there anymore. Beth . . . you couldn’t have done anything. It’s not your fault _ .

She blinked away tears and buried her face in Brad’s fur. She heard a car stop nearby but didn’t bother looking up. Didn’t care who it was until she sensed someone behind her. “Marian?” his voice was startled, tired, strained. She looked up.

“Anders?” he looked disheveled and had large bags under his eyes. “Are you okay?” he didn’t go to the UofK, but to the medical school a few miles away.

His face was pale. He looked scared. Mari. What . . .”

“Beth. She . . . her dorm got hit in some attack at the University. One of the officers said it was a hate crime.”

“Maker, Mari. I’m so sorry.” his voice shook a little. “Have you heard anything else?”

“No. But I . . . don’t really feel like looking into it too much.” She whispered, scratching Brad’s neck. “Mom, Garrett, and Carver are still in there. Heh, criminal justice students seemed to be targeted. Almost sounds like something--” Her blood ran cold as she looked back up at Anders, who refused to make eye contact with her.  _ Oh no. No not you. Please, Maker, anyone but you _ .

“A-Anders?”

“I swear I didn’t know! They . . . Xander made the plans and . . . I couldn’t get there in time. I swear I--”

“You knew ahead of time?!” Marian all but screamed at him, standing and her panic was suddenly replaced with anger. “Why . . . why didn’t you call someone? Report it?”

Anders flinched. “I couldn’t. Xander and everyone else would have been taken in, possibly killed--”

“People  _ were _ killed!” Marian spat, hands balling into fists. “Kids! College kids. People died in their bedrooms because of you and that that that group of crazies!”

“Marian, I wasn’t a part of it.”

“But you  _ knew _ . You had warning and didn’t act on it. Now people . . .  _ my sister _ . . . are dead!” Marian ignored the tears in her eyes. “Just because you didn’t set the charges personally doesn’t absolve you of your part. I thought . . . I thought you’d changed! That you let go of all this hate!”

“Marian, I have. . .”

“Go away, Anders. Go!” She hissed, trying to keep  _ some _ semblance of composure. “Get away from me.” She took Brad’s leash in hand, the mabari whining. “Just go or I might do something I regret.” her teeth ground together as she tried to control herself.

Anders needed no other instructions, turning and entering the hospital in a sprint as Marian felt a little bit of herself break inside. She believed Anders didn’t plan it, maybe even tried to stop it, but she also knew her sister was dead because of a group  _ he _ helped start. A group that he would rather protect than a school of innocents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't hate Anders, he's my sweet summer child, he just makes bad decisions.


	11. Popcorn, Phone calls, and Bad Science Fiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more fluff between Varric and Marian and the story moves forward a bit!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I started my senior year of college at the end of August and I've been slogging through new material.

Varric didn’t see Marian again until that evening. She was sitting on the fire escape on the east side of the apartment; her legs dangling down towards the ground and arms wrapped loosly around the railing. Her hair was disheveled and her shoulders sagged more than the first day she had been back. It hurt to see her eyes so red and puffy from tears but also the label-less glass bottles beside her that she was flinging at the side of the parking garage. He hesitated before he went out to speak with her. He knew anything like that could end up badly, but he also knew if he left her alone out there she could hurt herself, maybe not intentionally, but she could.

Varric sighed and opened the door, taking careful steps that would let her know he was there. “Hey.” he whispered, watching as she didn’t even move in acknowledgement. “Hawke told me. . . Maker’s balls, Freckles I’m sorry.” He couldn’t imagine losing Bartrand, even if he was a nug-humping son of a bitch. “You doing alright there? You’ve got a lot of--”

“It stopped being alcohol two hours ago.” Her voice was soft, dead, but steady. Definitely not drunk. The bottle in her hand was suddenly smashed up against the side of the other building. Luckily he owned that one too or else he would have some serious schmoozing to do. “I’m fine.”

“You and I both know that’s bullshit, Freckles.” he sat down next to her, now that he was sure she wasn’t drunk off her ass. “Nobody would be fine in this situation.  _ I’m _ not fine. You don’t have to talk about it, but, y’know, it does help.” Marian groaned and rested her head against the cool metal of the fire escape railing.

“It’s just . . . Beth she . . . she was going to  _ be _ somebody Varric. She wasn’t just going to go into the military and screw up and kill her whole squad! She was going to college. She was going to be an artist, a teacher! She wanted to make the world brighter and better. And now she . . . she’s gone.” Her eyes squeezed shut with the last words spoken, staving off tears. “She’ll never get married. Never have kids. Never be able to live life and do all of those things she had planned.” Varric put a hand on her back, feeling the tension in her shoulderblades. 

“Sunshine was something special, Freckles. We’ll all miss her.” He whispered, feeling Marian lean back against his touch a bit, feeling her melt a little as her tension disappeared minutely. 

Varric watched her face, watched her stare off at something that probably wasn’t actually able to be seen. Her hands were fiddling with the edge of her tank, twisting and worrying the fabric around her fingers and back again. His gaze moved all over her, her eyes, the sadness and grief there, the tightness of her brow, the firm, thin line of her lips. Lips that he had kissed the other night. Lips that had been soft and sweet and surprising. He watched her mouth, watched as she wet her lips with her tongue and pulled fingers through her hair. He caught a glint of red on her blind side.

“Andraste’s  _ tits _ , Freckles.” He reached out and grabbed her chin with his gloved hand, turning her face so he could see the small scrape and bruising along her right temple. His hold was firm as he checked that side over to make sure nothing more serious was there. “What the hell happened?”

Marian had frozen when he grabbed her, startled by his exclamation, but she calmed slightly when she saw the look in his eyes; there was worry. She forced a smile and even managed a small chuckle. “Don’t worry, Varric. I . . . I ran into a door on my way in. Still getting used to all of  . . .  _ this _ . I’m fine.”

Varric made a face. “Come on,” he stood and took her arm, lifting her upright. “I’ve got bandages and disinfectant at my place.” He tugged Marian along without much finesse or grace; he simply suddenly felt the instinctive need to protect.

Once they reached his suite and he had her sitting at the kitchen table, Varric wandered into his bathroom and pulled out his first-aid kit. He kept it around, mainly because Wicked Grace nights could get kind of rowdy and if their resident med-student couldn’t be there, they at least needed a temporary fix. When he returned, Marian had pulled out her phone - _ a damn flip phone _ \- and was frowning at the screen. He gently took it from her and set it on the table, just noticing that there were ten missed texts and a couple phone calls. Probably from Hawke. “Come on, let me see it.”

Marian shot him an indignant look but relented. She let him grab her chin and maneuver her so that he could tend to the scrape on her face. It looked worse than it actually was, but it was sweet how he worried, even if it was unnecessary. But, then she met his hazel eyes and felt a stab of guilt. The kiss came back and she was torn between the desperate urge to kiss him again and the even stronger urge to slink under the table and hide forever.

“Varric.” She whispered, and something in her voice must have alerted him to her mood because she instantly had his attention. “I . . .”

“Marian it’s fine. I like to help.”

“No Varric. I .. . I want to apologize.” Varric blinked at her.

“What . . . Freckles, there’s nothing here for you to apologize for. It’s okay, see I--”

“I don’t mean for this Varric. I mean for . . . for the other day.” Her face flushed pink and Varric stopped, letting his hand drop and he stared down at his feet.  _ Damn of course she’s talking about that. _ He hadn’t been able to take his mind off of it, even when Bianca had had time to text back and forth a few times the other evening after Marian left. Even with Bianca’s brief attention, something he used to lavish in, the kiss still punctuated itself in his memory. He swallowed down those feelings and did what he did best, put on an act.

“Heh, do you apologize to every guy you kiss, Freckles? Not really a good strategy.” Marian scowled and he knew that hadn’t been the right way to go. 

“I don’t usually kiss men who are unavailable.” She said, her tone a bit sharp. “You’ve made it quite clear over the time I’ve known you that you’ve had your eyes set on someone in particular, someone who is a  _ dwarf. _ I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Ah, shit. Freckles . . . Marian, look.” he ran a gloved hand over the back of his neck, not sure what to do or what to say. In the time he had known the Hawke family, Marian had only ever had one boyfriend and two actual dates outside of that. Anders, and then two guys whose names he couldn’t really remember due to the fact that the dates had been a ‘One time thing’. She didn’t attach feelings to people easily, and she  _ definitely _ didn’t go around kissing people she didn’t care about, even in the heat of the moment or during a time of emotional distress. There was a word for it that he couldn’t remember, but she basically needed to know the person first before she really had any want to have a relationship.  _ Shiiiit _ . “Just tell me what you need me to do, Freckles. I can forget it happened if you want. Or I can--”

“I just don’t want this to become a . . . some kind of  _ thing _ between our friendship. It’s good. I was gone for ten years and I still feel like we’ve hung out every day for all of them. I don’t want some stupid reaction to ruin that.” She said, wincing as Varric had taken the time she was talking to put some antiseptic and a bandaid on her wound. She hesitated before she said anything else. Varric saw this and he sighed.

“What do you  _ want _ Freckles? You need to be honest with me.”

“I want to stop talking about it.” she muttered, rubbing her arm and Varric raised a hand, nodding and backing off.

“Okay. Okay. How about something a little more familiar? Movie night. Popcorn, old sci-fi, and root beer.” he suggested. He’d bought the stuff for one after hearing about what happened to Bethany. He hadn’t expected to be getting together with Marian so soon, but that would work. 

She smiled back at him wryly. “Sure. That . . . that sounds great.”

***

Varric woke the next morning with a sore neck and popcorn kernels between his teeth. His phone was ringing and it took him a moment to orient himself to his situation. He had fallen asleep at the couch, sitting up with his head falling back on the cushions. There was a weight on him that was unfamiliar but when he heard the opening menu for  _ Killer Klowns from Outer Space _ he remembered that he and Marian had been up half the night with movies and snacks. When he looked down - cursing when he realized one of his contacts must have fallen out in the middle of the night - he saw Marian curled beside him on the couch with her head in his lap and her left arm hanging off the edge. He smiled just a little, allowing his fingers to brush gingerly through her hair. His fingers accidentally touched her scarred temple and he hesitated, not wishing to wake her.

_ Maker knows how long it’s been since she’s slept well _ .

His phone rang again and he grunted as he reached over and grabbed it off of the side table. Without even looking at the display he answered in order to keep from waking Marian. “Hello?”

_ “Varric! Thank the Maker it’s you. Have you seen Mari? She didn’t come home last night and I’ve been trying to call her but I’m pretty sure she turned off her phone and--” _

“Whoa whoa, Hawke. Slow down. She’s here with me. I found her on the fire escape and invited her up for movies. I should have called. Crap I really should have let you know.” Varric assured a nearly hyperventilating Hawke. 

_ “Andraste’s ass that woman is going to give me a heart attack. Is she okay?” _

“She’s fine, Hawke. Still asleep. I’ll make sure to have her come by when she wakes up.”

_ “Thanks for taking care of her Varric. I . . . dammit, I’m not good at all of this stuff, especially when she pushes me away.” _ There was a pause on the line.  _ “God of course she would go to you. You two have been tight for years. What did you call her before? Terror?” _

“Menace.” Varric whispered the word, remembering the early nickname. It wasn’t often he changed a nickname for a person. It tended to stick no matter what. Marian was ‘menace’ for a good seven years until one day, after a night of really bad drinking after finals, he’d walked in on her changing. It had been Garrett’s room, and he had knocked, so it wasn’t his fault! But he’d gotten a good ol’ look at her ass and the  _ freckles _ that peppered her lower back. It had been awkward as hell for about two weeks, but he’d been calling her Freckles ever since. “Heh, yea. She seemed like she needed a night off. Off of . . . heh, don’t even know what she’s got going on.”

_ “She won’t tell you either? Maker. We got two letters in the mail yesterday. One addressed to her from her old commander. She took it into her room and stormed out about twenty minutes later. Not sure what it said, I know better than to snoop through her things, but something shook her up, especially after Anders...” _

“Yea.” Varric said dryly. He knew Anders was trying, he tried not to blame him for all of this, but he had royally fucked up this time. Hawke  _ may _ eventually forgive him, but Marian wasn’t so easy. She was one of those people that put her trust in someone only after a while of knowing them and if that trust was broken, it was near impossible to gain it all back. Especially when it was Anders’ involvement in that social justice group that broke up their relationship in the first place. How Anders could let a girl like Marian go was beyond him.

_ “....and take care of her Varric.” _

“Hm? Hawke?” Varric cursed inwardly when he realized he hadn’t listened to half of Hawke’s last statement.

_ “Just . . . look out for her, Varric. I know she’ll probably talk to you before she does me. Heh, I mean, you probably know by now, it was obvious back then, but she had a major crush on you in high school. Carver and Bethany teased her about it all the time.” _

Obvious? Varric suddenly felt so much stupider. “Heh, is that so?” he tried to play it cool, but he knew he couldn’t really, not when  _ said _ girl was laying on his lap like an adorable fucking angel. “Too bad I had a type.”  _ Have. You  _ have _ a type you idiot. _

Garrett laughed on the other end.  _ “Yea. She knew that. Can’t blame a crush though right? I seem to remember you teasing me relentlessly back then for mine.” _

“You had a new crush every month! Of course I would use such material!” Varric chuckled, absently running his thumb over the knuckle of Marian’s right hand.

_ “Hey, I’m a lover. We all knew that.”  _ He snorted a little,  _ “Hell, I’m the lover of the entire family. The only other time Marian was interested in anyone as much as she was you it was Anders. Anyway, thanks for watching out for her. I owe you one. Maybe ten if she misbehaved.”  _ The other line clicked and Varric felt slightly dumbfounded.

_ ‘Interested in anyone as much as she was you it was Anders.’ _ She had been pretty head-over-heels, starry-eyed in love with Blondie. He leaned his head back against the couch cushion, trying not to shift too much. He had always expected attraction - he  _ was _ a handsome dwarf - but love? Never love. Not from anyone but Bianca. But now he knew that that wasn’t the case. Marian loved him.  _ Had _ loved him. She  _ did _ kiss him. Everything added up and the worst part was, Varric was pretty sure he felt the same way.


	12. Starting Something Great

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marian's day goes a little better than expected and Garrett has a really great day at work!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So . . . I delve a little bit into smut territory here. I've never done this before so . . . if you have pointers I'm more than open to it!

“Ugh.” Marian groaned, letting her head fall on the newspaper underneath her on the counter at the _Siren’s Call_. Isabela tsked as she came by with some empty trays.

“Oh no, Hawkling. That sound isn’t so good. Why so sad?” she leaned on her elbow on the counter beside Marian. She groaned.

“Classifieds are stupid.”

“Well, yes that’s true. I didn’t know you were job searching.”

“I’m trying.’ Marian said, throwing her arms up in the air and sighing. She sat up and ran a hand over her face. Her shoulder-length hair was tied back in a low bun. “But there isn’t anything but fast food jobs or things that need a master’s degree. I’ve been in the military for ten years, it’s not like I have any other experience.”

Isabela chuckled. “Oh, Hawkling. Hmm, well . . . we could use another hand around here. It’d probably be more part time, but--”

“You’d hire me?” Marian gasped.

“Sure? Why not? We can always use a hand around the place and you’re trustworthier than any of the scum that lurks in lowtown at night. If you’re willing to wait tables and deal with some of the late night crazies.”

“Yes! Oh Maker, yes! Thank you so much, Isabela.” Marian leaned over the counter and hugged the woman loosly. She had been searching on and off again for a little over a month at this point and had been having a hard time finding anything available that she was qualified for that wouldn’t involve her working with high schoolers.

Isabela smiled warmly. “No problem, Hawkling.” she said and looked up, motioning to Merrill who was across the room at a table. “Kitten! Let’s get our new employee set up, hm?”

***

{Me 1:26 PM}  
[I GOTA JOB!]

{Gare-Bear 1:30 PM}  
[That’s great! Where?]

{Me 1:33 PM}  
[At Isabela’s. She offered in my time of despair. I start tomorrow night! Thk the Mkr!]  
[What are you up to?]

{Gare-Bear 1:41 PM}  
[Paper work]

{Me 1:45 PM}  
[Paperwork or ‘/Paperwork/’?]

{Gare-Bear 1:50 PM}  
[What’s the difference?]

{Me 1:52 PM}  
[One involves actual work, the other involves your elvhen boyfriend and an empty studio]

{Gare-Bear 1:55 PM}  
[Both situations involves Fenris in the studio with me O_O]  
[WE DON’T HAVE SEX AT WORK MARI]

{Me 1:57 PM}  
[That’s not what Zevran says...]  
[;p]

{Gare-Bear 2:00 PM}  
[Why are you and Zevran talking?!] 

{Me 2:03 PM}  
[We both do laundry at unholy hours. And he’s a horrible gossip.] 

{Gare-Bear 2;05 PM}  
[OMM]  
[Fenris will kill him.]  
[Shiiiiiit]

{Me 2:09 PM}  
[Haha hahahaha]  
[c=3]

{Gare-Bear 2:14 PM}  
[Do you hug your mother with those hands?]

{Me 2:15 PM}  
[never]

***

“Hawke, I am not tattooing another dragon on you.” Fenris said sternly as they stood at their counter at work. It was a relatively slow day with no appointments set up, so all the workers instead were using it as a day to catch up on paperwork they had to finish up on. Naturally, Garrett and Fenris were working together on that which meant Fenris was working and Garrett as flirting.

“Aww, com’mon Fen. How about a little one right on my hip right here.” he pulled down the edge of his jeans to show the slight dip of his hip bone. He already had three dragon tattoos--a trend that Fenris called a mild obsession and Isabela coined a fetish--one large one that spanned his shoulder blades, one on his wrist, and another on his ankle. He had plenty of space for more.

“Hawke.”

“Or, I could get matching ones.” He pulled down his jeans a little more to expose both sides of his hips and waggled his eyebrows. Fenris gave him an exasperated sigh.

“I thought we were supposed to be working, Hawke.” he turned back to their paperwork. They were calculating expenses and a few different inventories for the shop. “I think we need to order a few more seats for the waiting room and a couple more binders for art. We’re running low. Hawke. Hawke?” He turned and sighed again when he saw Garrett standing behind him shirtless and flexing. “What are you doing?”

“I could get one on my ribs.”

“You’re not paying attention.”

“I am.”

“Then what was I saying?”

“You want to get more chairs and binders. I agree. I nodded.”

“You could say something.”

“Okay. I agree.” Hawke said with a cocky grin. Fenris wanted to smack it off of his face.

“Put your shirt back on.”

“No.”

“Ugh. Why?”

“Because I like when you scowl like that. It’s sexy.”

Fenris pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. “Get on the table.”

“Ooh yeah?” Garrett waggled his eyebrows.

Fenris stood and pushed him up onto his workstation, pushing papers aside. “No talking.”

“What happened to working?”

“Your horny. When you're horny you get all frisky. It’s really fucking annoying and really _fucking_ hot.” Garrett could feel Fenris’ growing arousal as the elf straddled his waist.

“Oo. Play before work.” Garrett teased, licking his lips.

Fenris watched his tongue and hungrily kissed him shortly after. Lips and teeth pressing together sloppily. Garrett’s mouth opened and Fenris entered, his tongue exploring as they ground against each other feverishly. They’d done this plenty of times together both at work and in their respective apartments. Made out on furniture, grinding against each other and panting as the friction of their clothing brought them near climax in the moments where they didn’t have the time to actually get intimate. Fenris was more hesitant about engaging in such activities at work, but Garrett knew how to get him riled up, how to initiate such activities and get him excited enough to get what he wanted.

Garrett groaned into his mouth as he felt teeth dig into his lower lip and inch lower down his neck. Garrett’s hands roamed down his lover’s body as he arched against him, feeling the friction grow and his skin flush with heat and pleasure. Fenris’ hands gripped his hips roughly, nails digging into his exposed skin and Garrett brought his hands up to the elf’s neck, digging his fingers into the hairs at the back of his neck and tugging him closer into a searing kiss.

“I love you.” Garrett whispered, feeling his boyfriend’s breath against his skin, their foreheads pressed together as their pelvis’ slowly ground against each other. In his haze he slowly realized he’d never said that to Fenris before, but he had wanted to for a long time. Fenris’ lips met his again and he could feel the elf smile against his.

“I am quite fond of you myself.” Fenris whispered back and Garrett chuckled, vaguely aware of his phone vibrating beside them. Fenris, ever pragmatic, reached over and grabbed it, handing it to Garrett, “It may be work related.”

Garrett groaned and nodded, opening up his messages and he smiled. “Mari got a job.”

***

Varric was sifting through letters and emails from the Merchants Guild and his family when his phone buzzed. He didn’t answer it right away because he was pretty sure it would just be more business and he already had plenty of that. It was an hour later before he actually looked at what was sent to him.

{Freckles 1:45 PM}  
[I GOTA JOB!!]  
[Working at Isabelas]  
[I start tomorrow night!]

He smiled as he looked down at the text. That Marian thought to text him when she got the news, however she had gotten it. They hadn’t hung out since the night he’d found her out on the fire escape that night when they watched movies and fell asleep on the couch together. He couldn’t stop thinking about her and that scared him.

{Me 3:06 PM}  
[That’s great! Congrats. We should celebrate sometime. My treat.]

{Freckles 3:09 PM}  
[Friday movie night? I’ll bring popcorn and milk duds.]

Varric could help but smile when he saw the text. Just like old times. He hadn’t realized just how much he had missed these times with her, the movie nights and the strange text messages. There would be some nights he’d get a text at 3am when she was doing laundry and heard a good pun she just couldn’t wait to share. How had he gone ten years without her?

{Me 3:11 PM}  
[Sounds great! We can watch The Mole People]  
[Or one of the old favorites]

{Freckles 3:15 PM}  
[Mole People sounds great ;) It’s a date]

His heart fluttered with the word ‘date’ and Varric nearly dropped his phone.


	13. First Day on the Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marian starts her first day at work and it doesn't end quite as expected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I start my last semester at college in three days so this may be my last update for a bit (not that they are reliable anyway) but I do have plans to finish this thing do not worry!!

Merrill beamed and clapped her hands. “Oh, you look great, Marian!” she gasped the next day when Marian arrived for her first day at work. She picked out a v-neck black shirt to wear with cap sleeves, dark blue skinny jeans, and her combat boots. She also had her hair pulled back into a bun like she had done the other day. “Here, ‘Bela made a name tag for you. I made sure that she didn’t put a nick name on there like she wanted.” Merrill explained, handing the pin that read ‘M. Hawke’ to her.

“Thanks Merrill.” Marian whispered, smiling nervously. She had been so excited about this but as the day went on, her nerves got the better of her and she began to get scared that she would be unable to successfully work in this type of environment. “I hope I’m able to be of some help.”

“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be great.” Merrill said happily. “Come on, I’ll show you the back.” she said, taking Marian’s hand. Merrill proceeded to give Marian a tour of the entire back of the bar and grill. She showed her the bar, the break room, the store room, and where Isabela’s office was--or where Isabela could be found if she wasn’t behind the bar and there was an emergency. It was a lot to take in at first, but Merrill assured her that she wouldn’t need to know all of it right away. “I promise, you won’t actually have to go to the store room on your own for a while. You’ll be bringing orders out from the kitchen first. Our grill cook Corff is really nice.”

Merrill led her over to the small grill kitchen area where the older man was working starting up the grill for the evening shift. There were never really very large crowds at the Siren’s Call, but they did well. “Corff, this is our new employee, Marian.”

The man looked up from where he was working and smiled. “Good to meet ya.”

“Hi.” Marian whispered, still a bit nervous.

“He’s worked here since before Isabela owned the place.” Merrill explained. “He’s wonderful.”

“Ah, you’re too kind.”Corff said with a chuckle, wiping his hands with his apron.”You new to the business?” he addressed Marian this time.

She smiled. “That obvious?” she said softly and scratched the back of her neck. “I used to be in the army. I’m trying to find a good transition space and my brother introduced me to Isabela and Merrill when I returned to Kirkwall.”

“Her brother is Hawke.” Merrill added matter-of-factly and Corff nodded.

“Ah yes. Good man.”

“Maker, does everyone know my brother?”

“He has done a lot to help many people, Marian.” Merrill said. “Me, Isabela, Fenris, Anders, Varric, the police chief, even the prime minister. He’s always looking to help people and spends a lot of his time running around doing so.”

“Yup, that sounds like him too.” Marian whispered. She remembered how he would skip out of high school to help out some of their neighbors run groceries or mow their lawns. Yeah, it hurt his school grades and attendance, but it only encouraged his behavior. It honestly didn’t surprise her that this trend carried over into his adult life. “Wait, if he’s doing this still, how does he even hold his job?”

“Oh, he only does it on his days off. Wednesdays and weekends.” Merrill answered easily and Marian sighed.

_ Of course. _

And of course she would also have a job where they spent a good five minutes talking about her brother. Not that that particularly bothered her. She didn’t mind, it was just that she wanted to kind of find her identity around these people without him. She felt a little bit like she was hanging onto his coattails and stumbling along blindly . . . half-blindly. She was still getting used to interacting with a lot of people and she wanted them to get to know her not “Hawke’s sister”. 

When her first shift finally started Isabela handed Marian a pad of paper and a pencil to put in her apron, helped her straighten out her name tag, and pinched her butt (for good luck) and she started walking around tables. Luckily their menu wasn’t too complicated because they were more known for their atmosphere and drinks than food. People who came to the Siren’s Call often came for the bar, which Isabela said she could maybe work with later on if she felt confident enough to do that. For now she would just take orders for things like burgers and other grilled items that they had on the menu. 

Her hands shook as she started towards the three tables that she was told she was put in charge of. She scanned back through the bar for Merrill and Isabela to make sure she was doing everything right and walked up to where a couple sat. Taking a deep breath to steady herself and anchor her position she walked up to the table. “Hi. Welcome to The Siren’s Call, can I help you this evening?”

The man, rather large and grizzly looking, grunted, looking her up and down. She didn’t like how his eyes lingered on certain areas of her body but he didn’t say anything aside from “Two burgers and whatever ale you’ve got.”

Marian looked to the woman that was sitting with the man. “Is that all?” The woman nodded quickly and she left to go give the order to Isabela who congratulated her on her first table.

“Good job, Hawkling! See? That wasn’t so hard! Just make sure you keep your guard up, sometimes the guys aren’t so polite.”

“That was  _ polite? _ What am I saying, this is darktown.” she muttered, grabbing up her tray. “Thanks again, ‘Bela, for the job. At least here I know you’ve got my back.”

 

“Welcome to The Siren’s Call, my name is Marian how can I help you?” She hadn’t looked up from her pad yet to see the group at her table but started at the sharp voice that met her greeting.

“A  _ Hawke _ .” She recognized that tone of voice and she looked up to see Meeran and a few of his goons seated around the table. Back when she and Garrett had been sixteen and stupid and their family had been hard up for cash--what with their father passing and the recent move--they had worked for Meeran doing not-so-legal things for the sleazebag in the slums of dark town. The goons she didn’t recognize and Meeran looked a little worse for wear. She hadn’t seen him for more than a decade. She and Garrett had left him the instant they could. 

“Meeran. I would say it’s a pleasure to see you again, but I’ve been told it’s rude to lie to my  _ elders _ .” Marian felt a little bit of pride at the way his lips curled into a scowl at her words.

One of his goons moved in a threatening gesture. “If you knew who you were talking to bitch--”

“Down, Marco.” Meeran hissed. “This is an old . . . associate of mine. She and her  _ ungrateful _ brother used to grovel at my feet for coin.”

“Wait, that Hawke?” The other goon hissed.

“Yes. That one.” Marian rolled her eyes. Of course her brother had messed with Meeran and his gang over the years and probably royally pissed him off.

“Are you actually going to order something or should I have the owner come over here to join the fun? I know she loves bar brawls.” She said dryly, not in the mood for dealing with this kind of shit. Meeran looked amused and she realized he was staring at something. She was confused for a moment before she remembered her hair was up, exposing her scars and blind eye and she was suddenly self-conscious and guarded. 

“Oh, just tell dear Isabela that I would like our usual, Marian. Wouldn’t want to start a conflict.” Marian’s eyes narrowed at his change in tone before she walked away and back towards the bar. Isabela was watching her.

“He causing trouble?”

“No. I don’t think so. I’m assuming Gare has pissed him off before though.”

“Oh, plenty of times. Hawke’s messed with him plenty of times over the years. I’d stay far away from him if I were you, Hawkling.” Isabela said. “Did he order his “usual”.”

“Yeah. What is it?”

“Just ale. He likes to sound pretentious. I just spit in it.” she grinned. “I don’t know why he comes around here. Hopefully he’ll be in and out quickly and we won’t have to worry about it.” 

Marian smiled. “I never knew this place was so popular.”

“Counting that it’s the only place in Lowtown where you can get decent food at this hour, it’s pretty much a given. I should have known he’d show up though.”

“Don’t worry about it, ‘Bela. Meeran’s not worth my time.” Marian assured her and Isabela grinned.

“Good. Here’s that order for table 3.” she said, pushing some drinks and a plate of fries towards her.

***

Marian’s shift ended at three am. After the interaction with Meeran, it went without a hitch and she made quite a bit of money in tips. Overall, it was a good day and she helped Isabela and Merrill lock up before she headed home. She had a few texts on her phone that she had gotten while at work so she waited under the awning of the Siren’s Call to check them before heading back towards The Hanged Man Apartments. 

{Gare-Bear 9:30 PM}   
[Good luck on your first shift!!]   
[Fen said so too!]   
[You’ll do great!]

{Varric 11:03 PM}   
[Don’t work yourself too hard Freckles.]

{Zev 11:11 PM}   
[Have fun amore, but not too much fun ;p]

Marian chuckled at her friends, sending a few quick replies before sticking her phone back in her pocket and heading back for home. The apartment was just across the street and a couple blocks away from the bar and grill so it was not a long walk at all. She was double checking that she had her keys when a hand reached out from one of the many back alleys and yanked her in, her head slapping against the brick of the parking garage across the street from the Siren’s Call.

“You  _ Hawke’s  _ think you’re so big around here. Like you own these streets.” She felt hot breath steam across his neck and a sweaty, sticky hand wrap around her neck in a tight grip. “You were  _ nothing _ when you came here. I  _ made _ you and then you look down on  _ me _ ! The gall!” He hissed, Meeran’s face coming into view in the darkness. Dim light from streetlamps filtering into the alley giving him an ominous shadow as she felt his other hand holding her shoulder against the wall.

“You’re drunk.” Marian croaked, shifting her feet to try to get into a defensive stance. As she kneed his crotch in, what she would coin a rather good hit that left him crying, the right side of her head erupted in pain and her jaw  _ cracked _ . In a fuzz of movement she hit the ground hard and another pair of feet met her line of sight through a haze of pain. They went straight for Meeran.

“You . . . boss?”

“. . . bitch . . . leave . . . and teach her . . . happens . . . cross . . .”

Words didn’t make sense, they were cutting in and out as they spoke and she wasn’t sure who was speaking as they moved back and forth. She was barely able to think coherently as she reached into her back pocket for her phone with trembling fingers. Her flip phone could only move so quickly and she was losing her thoughts quickly so she got to the first name that popped up and tried to send a coherent message before she was seen and her phone was kicked out from under her. She was picked up by her neck  and the rest was a blur of movement and pain before she was pulled into darkness.

***

He groaned as his phone chimed early in the morning. He was used to being awake at odd times but this was outrageous even for him. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and scrambled for his phone, cursing when his fingers knocking the phone off of his nightstand and he hand to lean practically entirely off the bed to retrieve it. His bed partner stirred with a groan.

“It’s eaaaarly.”

“Mmm.” He grunted as he picked up his phone and unlocked it to find a text from someone he was mildly surprised to see.

{M 4:12 AM}   
[A. help Im neddsasd kj]

“Mm. What is it?” His partner whispered in his ear, an arm curling around his waist and snuggling close.

“I’m . . . not sure.”


	14. News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Been waiting to drop this bomb for a while

Garrett didn’t expect to see Marian when he woke up the next day. She worked til four and he suspected she would be sleeping til noon and by that time he would be gone. So he tried to be quite in the morning, left a note on the table for her letter her know he was off to work and that there were a few leftovers in the fridge if she wanted them, and headed out the door. Zevran grinned at him as he came into the shop.

“So, how did the first day go for the Serrah?”

“Don’t know. She was still asleep by the time I had to leave. I’m sure she’ll tell me all about it when I’m home though. Sure it when well though. I mean, come on, she may not have much experience in the area but she can handle waitressing.” Garrett said, looking at his schedule and smiling. “Is Ser Daccard already in?” 

“Yup, set up in your studio.” Zevran nodded and Garrett hummed his reply and grabbed his supplies before entering his studio. There sat an older gentleman, probably in his later thirties, with a bit of thinning to his tan hair.

“Good morning, Ser Daccard. What can I do for you today?” He asked, sitting down in his stool beside the man. He had seen all types of people in the tattoo parlor in his time working there over the past decade and had heard it all so he doubted anything this middle aged man could ask for would surprise him.

“My wife just passed recently. I was hoping to get something to honor her memory.” the man whispered, still seeming a bit unsure.

Garrett smiled. “Well, how about we talk through some ideas. Brainstorm. And I can do some sketches. If you like any we can talk it over and you can think on it for a little while before making any final decisions. How does that sound?”

The man’s face seemed to lighten a little at the idea. “I like the sound of that better.”

“Good.” Garrett grabbed his sketch pad and a pencil, hooking a leg under himself to get ready for this session to take a while to talk through some ideas. “Let’s start by talking about your marriage...”

***

The rest of Garrett’s work day was spent with clients. Most were not as emotionally heavy as his first, many were simply finishing up previous tattoos that he had either started lining or coloring a few weeks prior. A man finishing up one of a mabari on his bicep. A teenage girl getting a “tramp-stamp” as rebellion of her parents. A seventy-year-old lady getting her annual tattoo to show she was still kicking. Evelyn was one of Garrett’s regulars. 

It was around 1:30 that Garrett took his break and grabbed some lunch in the back of the shop. He took this time to eat his sandwich, make a cup of coffee--much to Fenris’ dismay--and check his phone. There were no messages from Marian. One from Fenris, as it was his day off. 

{Bae 11:43 AM}   
[Have a good day at work. Brad and I will miss you.]

Garrett smiled, glad that he didn’t have to pay the dog walker as much anymore in order for Brad to have his exercise. He hated being away from home so much. 

{Me 1:34 PM}   
[Thanks hun. Hope you said hi to Marian for me too]

Surprisingly, or perhaps he shouldn’t have been surprised, the reply came quickly.

{Bae 1:35 PM}   
[I did not see her]   
[Wasn’t she working?]

“Huh.” Garrett mused. He knew Marian didn’t usually sleep well, work must have really tired her out.

{Me 1:35 PM}   
[She must have still been asleep.]   
[Bela doesn’t open up this early on Saturday]

Garrett sighed and ran a hand through his hair, hoping that this job would help his sibling. He knew she was trying to do her best to get better, especially after their spat about the medical diagnosis given to her prior to her discharge, but he felt so helpless sitting around doing nothing. It was stupid, but he wanted to do more. Being the worry wart that he was, he flipped to Marian’s text conversation and typed.

{Me 1:39 PM}   
[Let me know how work went! See you tonight]   
[Want me to bring home pizza?]

{Me 1:41 PM}   
[I’m sorry if this woke you up!!!! :( ]

He shoved his phone back into his pocket and stood up, still munching on his sandwich. He heard Zevran’s attractive laughter from the front and he followed it out. Zevran, in his blonde, fiendish glory, was leaning over the counter, smirking as he talked with Isabela, Nathaniel, and Anders. Nathaniel seemed to be the butt of a joke since he was turning a slight shade of red. 

“Ooo who’s having a party without me?” Garrett grinned, giving his best smirk as he walked out to join the others. He wasn’t happy with what had happened between Anders and his sister, but he was willing to try and work with him as long as he worked to try and fix his own behaviors. There had to be some give and take with these things. He did, however, see Anders stiffen when he entered the room. 

Isabela simply grinned. “Hawke! I’ve missed you. You’re sister’s nicie and all but she’s not you, sweething.” she teased. Garrett winked in response. 

“I’m the best in the family. You know that.” He hopped up to sit on the edge of the counter. “How did last night go?”

Isabela planted her hands on her prominent hips and grinned toothily. “It went perfectly, so you worried all night for nothing.” She said haughtily. “She did excellently. Had a few nerves and some bumps, but nothing I haven’t seen before with newbies. She’ll do great. Ran into that old buddy of yours, but we took care of him in a snap.”

Garrett’s eyes narrowed. “Old buddy?”

“Mercenary? Smuggler. Meeran. We’ve dealt with him in the past a few times.”

“Meeran was there?” Garrett gasped. Startled. “Did Marian get in trouble?”

“Oh, no. He was just showing up for his regular round of horrid ale. She was fine.” Isabela assured him. “I’m assuming she was still in bed?”

“Yeah. You worked her hard last night, Bel.” 

“Sure did.” Isabela said. “She’ll get used to working nights eventually.” She added with a wink, intentionally stating that she was keeping Marian on--if Marian wanted the job that was.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine. Eventually.” He said before looking to Nathaniel and Anders. “So, what are you two doing out and about today?” he asked casually.

Anders stuttered to find an answer while Nate grinned.

“Just wandering. Getting Anders away from homework for a while while I still can.” he said a bit begrudgingly.

“I was trying to convince them of the perks of investing in a tattoo  _ mi amigo _ .” Zevran purred. “Especially for our cat loving friend.”

“Don’t pressure, Zev.” Garrett said softly.

“No no, I was thinking the same thing.” Nate said simply. “I was telling Anders how sexy I thought it would be.”

Anders gulped. “Nate.”

Garrett chuckled. “Definitely something you two need to discuss. We can’t decide for you.” He started as his phone chimed and he stepped away to looked at his texts.

{Bae 1:57 PM}   
[Brad shoved himself into Marian’s room when we got home. She was not here. She must be at work.]

Garrett frowned, looking over to see Isabela bantering with the three at the shop counter. He walked back out to join them, trying not to panic. “Bela? Is Mare working at the Call today?”

Isabela looked confused. “No. Besides, we don’t open til four on Saturday. Why?” Garrett could feel his gut coiling. He hated when his panic started rising.

“I . . .” he turned back to his phone.

{Me 2:00 PM}   
[But she doesn’t work today. Isabela is here]   
[She said Mari isn’t working]

{Bae 2:02 PM}   
[Well she isn’t here, Hawke. ]   
[Where else would she go?]   
[The dwarf?]

“Hawke? Are you okay?” Isabela asked softly, noticing his pale expression. Everyone in his friend group knew Garrett’s panicked face. When his lips pressed tight, his skin went pale, and his eyes went wide. Sometimes his hands would shake and his teeth would grind together. His usual veneer of humor and light completely smothered by worry and fear that he looked small in comparison.

{Bae 2:06 PM}   
[Hawke?]  
  
Garrett was canceling out of Fenris’ thread within an instant, ignoring Isabela’s words as he instantly dialed up the one person he knew would know where Marian was at any time of the day. He just prayed he would answer. If he didn’t, if that son-of-a-nug didn’t answer, he was pretty sure that he would have a fuckin’ heart attack. 

An irritated voice answered the ringing phone. “Hello? Hawke?”

“Is Marian with you?!”

“Wh-what?” If anything, Varric’s voice became more annoyed with Garrett’s frantic tone. “Hawke, calm down. What’s wrong?”

“Is Marian with you? Varric Tethras, I swear to the Maker, just tell me if she is or not.” Garrett snapped.

“I haven’t seen her, Big guy. Just calm down. Where was the last place you left her?” He was trying to lighten the mood by joking but Garrett was on the verge of hyperventilating and Isabela was grabbing her phone in case they had to call the paramedics.

“Varric.” Garrett’s voice was clipped as he held his phone in a white-knuckle grip. She’s not at home, Bela says she’s not working. If she’s not with you I have no idea where she is.”

“Maybe she just went out, Hawke. You know, groceries or something.” Varric said to try and diffuse the situation.”

“She doesn’t--”

“She is an adult, Hawke. Maybe she just went for a walk.”

“Then why didn’t she text me?!?”

“Because she wants her privacy? Some space? Do you have any reason to believe she’s in danger?” Varric asked softly, knowing Garrett was over protective of everyone he loved.

“I . . . Varric . . .”

“Just relax. Give it a few. If she isn’t home by the time you’re back from work then you give me a call, okay?”

“Yeah. . . yeah okay.” he whispered. “Thanks Varric I--”

“Oh shit.” Varric’s breath interrupted Garrett’s final thoughts and he stiffened.

“Varric?”

“Hawke. Do you have the news on at the shop?”

“No, not currently.”

“I uh . . . you should probably . . . turn to channel four.”

Garrett shook and looked to Zevran. All four of his friends looking at him with worry. “Zev. Turn on the news, please?”

The elf nodded and flipped on the TV they had hanging on the wall in the corner near the window. It was an older model, but it did the job. As the channel fuzzed in a reporter stood in front of her command center.

_ “Again, we interrupt your normal broadcasting schedule to bring you this sudden news release. After months of fighting with the Theodesian Army’s head director commandant Thresh, Police commander Meredith Stannard and twelve families of fallen soldiers have finally won the fight to make their stories known and their struggling heard. Over a year ago, twelve young soldiers, Rufus Gallaway of Ferelden; Daylen Amell and Solona Amell of Lake Calenhad; Neria Surana of Ostwick; Kallian Tabris of Denerim; Theron Mahariel of Ferelden; Alim Trenel of the Free Marches; Darrian Barren of Denerim; Aedan Harimann of Kirkwall; Lyna Vellin of Ferelden; Wyatt Kylas of the Anderfels; and Obric Lyland of Highever; died in a suicide mission led by Kirkwall’s Sergeant Marian Hawke.” _ A picture of Marian in her military regalia sans injuries, probably taken after her promotion to Sergeant, flashed on the screen. Her face was stoic, almost regal in a stern way. Garrett stood frozen as he stared at the television in utter silence. What the hell was Marian doing on the news?

_ “According to official reports, Sergeant Hawke refused to supply her men with their rations of lyrium usually given to ground soldiers as an act of defiance towards her superiors. Though warned multiple times about the dangers of such actions, sergeant Hawke still refused to keep her soldiers trained and safe. Without their lyrium rations, Sergeant Hawke’s soldiers were ill equipped for the missions that they were assigned. Logs and records from Hawke’s own items show that she purposefully deceived her superiors and trusted men and led them into a situation she knew they would likely not survive. While Sergeant Hawke claims that she did not take lyrium either, the families of the deceased have questioned these claims, calling for proof and asking how it is that she survived this brutal attack with minor injuries when their children died.” _

Garrett’s hands clenched tightly at his sides as he watched the woman with murder in his eyes.  _ Minor _ injuries? His sister was blinded! How dare they accuse her of these things! He was livid, yet he was frozen in place. He could vaguely hear Isabela and Anders trying to get his attention and Varric talking on the other side of his phone, but he was ignoring all of it. He was only paying attention to the bitch on the television that was spreading this slander towards his family. 

_ “We have footage of an interview from a year ago, a week before Sergeant Hawke’s discharge on the matter. _ ” The woman’s face fuzzed off screen and suddenly there was a clip of Marian on screen. Garrett heard his phone hit the floor. She sat in a chair across a table from an older man with salt and pepper hair and a clipboard. Her arm was wrapped in a firm cast across her chest and there were bandages across half her face. Her skin was grey and she looked worse than she had when she had first moved back home, he had never seen her look so pale. The image flickered a little as the man tried to keep the environment relaxed.

_ “Sergeant Marian Hawke, you willingly let your men go into active duty without preparation. How could you possibly let that happen?”  _ He stared at her with a disapproval that could only come from someone like a parent figure or a guardian. The audio fuzzed a bit, as if it hadn’t actually been meant to be recorded.

_ “I didn’t  _ let _ anything happen. I protected my men _ .”

“ _ By willfully putting them in danger?” _

_ “By saving their lives.” _

_ “I do not believe the families of those lost would think the same, Sergeant Hawke. They are dead. In your name no less. What will you tell them?” _

Garrett saw Marian’s eyes steel and harden just slightly. “ _ The truth. I will tell them the truth. About what I have done, and what they did for me.” _

_ “They helped advance your career. They died and you gained the advantage.”  _ The commander said firmly and Marian sunk lower in her seat. Her demeanor changing almost in an instant over video.

_ “That’s not what happened.” _

_ “Then tell me what happened.” _

All it took was Marian to hesitate a breath and the video fuzzed back to the reporter at her command desk _. “Clearly the situation is much more complicated than what meets the eye. Our studio has not had any luck trying to contact Marian Hawke, but Commander Meredith Stannard has promised that she will do everything in her power to make sure that this case is handled with the utmost care and importance. I am Lacy Dalma with Kirkwall News.” _

With a brief buzz the television fuzzed back to some sort of cheesy afternoon sitcom that had clearly been interrupted by the newscast. Hawke felt sick to his stomach, he literally felt bile rising up into his throat. If they had been contacting Marian . . . if these people had been calling her . . . he had to wonder if she ran. Did she run away in order to hide from this? To get away from the family? He had no idea how to take all of this information. What really had happened? Who was right and who was lying? What happened to Marian’s squad that caused twelve people to be killed and blinded his sibling?

“Garrett!” Isabela’s screeching shout brought him back to reality with a start. He was trembling, pale, his hands balled into fists and phone dropped on the floor. She forced him to sit on a stool and looked sharply at a similarly shocked and angry looking Anders who had grabbed a cool, wet cloth for his head. “We need to calm him down. Whatever the hell that  _ bitch _ is doing, we need to get him up and ready and find Marian before those leeches do.”

Anders nodded. “If Meredith is involved, I don’t trust it.”

Nate nodded. “I should check out the station and see if I can figure anything out. Maybe Cullen can give me some info.”

“He could be  _ in _ on it!”

“Or he could be willing to help. I’m sure there’s something that the media and Meredith are not telling us and we need to get Marian to tell us what it is.”

“Zev...?” Garrett whispered and Zevran simply patted his shoulder.

“Go home,  _ mi amigo _ . I’ll call in Sigrund and Tallis for backup.”

“Thanks, Zev.” Garrett whispered, getting up to go grab his bag.

 

Garrett sighed, fuming and shaking the entire way back to the apartment. He started when he, Isabela, and Anders rounded the stairs to their floor and found a tall man with strawberry-blonde hair standing in front of their door with his phone out. Garrett instantly grabbed for his belt to try and get his pocket knife out. “Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?”

“Ah. Garrett Hawke, I presume.” The man said, flashing a dashing grin as he turned towards them. Garrett’s eyes narrowed.

“If you’re here for Marian, she’s not here.”

The man’s face when straight and he solemned. “No, I am here about her though. You see, I got a strange text from her yesterday.” He took a step forward, extending his hand. “Forgive me. My name is Alistair, an old friend of Marian. Pleased to meet you.”


	15. Decisions Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> REALLY short transition chapter. Next one will be Marian!!

Garrett squinted at the man in front of him. “Alistair? A friend of Marian? That I’ve never met?”

Alistair chuckled, a melodic sound and his ears turned slightly pink with the action. “Alistair Theirin at your service.” He pulled up something on his phone very quickly and showed him the text that he had gotten from Marian. “This is what I got. It was strong, especially considering I hadn’t heard from her in quite a few years. Then when I saw her face plastered all over the news . . . well, I figured something had gone wrong.”

Garrett frowned. “I . . . This is odd. This would have been right after she got off work last night. She sent me a text right before this one.”

Anders lurched. “Alistair Theirin? As in Alistair Brother-of-the-Prime-Minister-of-Ferelden Theirin?!” He gasped, looking startled by this brand new information. Nate looked just as shocked by the name. Alistair was flushed an even darker shade of pink.

“Well you don’t have to say it like  _ that _ . But yes.” 

Garrett’s gaze became guarded as he stared down the man before him. “And Marian knows the  _ Prime Minister’s brother _ how exactly?” It wasn’t like his sister didn’t have friends, he knew she could. It just seemed odd that of all the people she could meet and never mention to him, that the youngest son to the most powerful family in all of Ferelden was one of them. Was he a part of this whole thing that Meredith was in on? Was he causing her trouble? Blackmailing her? Did she  _ like _ him?! Garrett needed to know exactly when, where, and how they met all at once.

Alistair held up his hands in a placating gesture. “It was before I was all of that. She was still in the army. Enlisted and all that. We met a few times in Denerim and Amaranthine. I haven’t seen her for quite a few years honestly. Then there was this whole kerfuffle with finding my brother and then my wife and--”

“What’s this about your wife?” A woman with a slim figure holding a bag of Burger Thaig in one hand and a coffee in the other came striding down the hall, walking right through the wall that was Isabela, Anders, and Nathaniel, and handing the bag of fast food to Alistair and planting a kiss on his cheek.

“Just explaining how we know Marian, love.” he said sweetly and the brunette smiled, looking to Garrett. She seemed perceptive of his resemblance to his twin and almost familiar, though he couldn’t quite place it.

“Good. Wouldn’t want to be spreading horrible rumors now would we.” she teased and turned to Garrett. “Moya Theirin. Previously Cousland from Highever, if that means anything to you.” Then she met Anders’ eyes and smiled. “Hi Anders. How’s Pounce?”

Anders gulped and smiled, giving a small wave. “P-Pounce . . . he’s good. Settling in well. How have you been?”

“Quite well. It’s nice to see you again, Moya.”

Moya smiled and then looked back to her husband who was inspecting his bag of goodies from his wife. “So, any answers from this mysterious text message?”

Alistair shook his head as he took a bite of a cheese burger (extra cheese). “No.”

“But it makes about as much sense as what’s been going around on the news.” Garrett muttered, groaning again. “All I know is that she didn’t come home last night and now there’s some news exposé about some scandal within her army troop that caused her discharge. I thought maybe she ran away but now . . .”

“She wouldn’t send a text like that. I mean, I know her phone is shit but even she’s better at it than that.” Isabela said, crossing her arms over her chest. This was not looking good. And Garrett felt a tiny bit of relief wash over him when he saw Fenris walking down the stairs from the upper floor with Varric following behind him. Garrett pushed passed the Theirin’s and went to his boyfriend.

“Any luck?” he asked, though Fenris reached into his pocket and tossed a small object at him.

“Brad found this in the alley.” he said softly. In Garrett’s palms was the worn, grey flip phone that belonged to his sister. She had gotten it in middle school and never saw a need to replace the damn thing. When he opened it he could see the many  _ many _ missed calls and messages from himself, Varric, Anders, Isabela, someone titled ‘A’--which he could only assume was Alistair--his mother, and Carver. Garrett’s hands clenched tightly and he breathed out sharply through his teeth. “Well. There’s one thing we haven’t done. We have to do this the traditional way and go look for her. Whether she wants to be found or not.” he looked up at Varric. “Bianca willing to give us a lift?”

“She’s always ready for a good adventure.” Varric said with a grin that just barely gave away the worry behind his eyes.


	16. Silver Bells and Cockle Shells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marian gets back to Kirkwall and comes across someone she didn't expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay in this chapter! I've been going through my last semester of college and have been suffering from a 60+ day migraine through it all, making it very hard to concentrate and write.   
> Hope you enjoy!

Marian woke up with the taste of blood in her mouth and a rave in her head. She remembered Meeran’s ugly face vaguely and then the sensation of getting kicked in the head. Definitely felt like it too. Dammit, maybe she  _ did _ need some kind of physical therapy or training to get back in shape or some shit. Just so she could anticipate hits to her blind side. From the numb, tingling sensation she was getting from that side of her face she could definitely tell it was bruising and ugli- _ er _ than it already usually was. It was only after a couple of moments that she then realized that she hadn’t opened her other eye. It was a dimly lit, damp basement that she was shoved into. 

“Ah, awake I see.” Meeran said, coming out of the corner of her blind side.  _ Dammit. _ She hated that.

Marian glared. “What? The drinks not to your liking?” she snapped. She hadn’t been a fan of the guy when they had been working for him years ago. It didn’t help that he had had his goons beat her up and drag her down into his musty basement for Maker-knows-what. 

“Ah, as wiley as ever I see.” Meeran hissed slightly and grinned at her. She realized, in that moment, that he hadn’t restrained her in any way. It wasn’t like he had a dungeon of any kind. She was in his  _ basement _ . Had he even planned this out?! “I’m sure your brother will be quite shocked to find you missing.”

“Is this all this is? To get back at Garrett? What did he do this time? Pee in your topiary?”

Meeran laughed. Perhaps chortled was the correct term. “Oh, not nearly so innocent, Of course, I just found out some very interesting things about you, Marian. Not so innocent yourself either I see.” he said.

His expression startled her. He looked like the cat that just got into the cream. Like he had found some deep dark secret that he could use to hold over her head and she didn’t like that one bit. “Wait. You’re using me to get to Garrett.”

“Yes. Precisely. After all his meddling, after he has  _ ruined _ my mercenary empire, he will finally learn that you should never double cross Meeran.”

“I highly doubt Garrett is petty enough to do that.” Marian said dryly and his face purpled.

“He has ruined me!”

“I’m pretty sure you could have done that to yourself.” Marian said firmly. “If I recall, it’s Garrett and I that kept you  _ afloat _ for two years when we were teenagers. Honestly. You were going down hill way before you met us.” 

“You bitch!” Meeran’s hand shot out and grabbed a fist-full of Marian’s shirt--soiled with blood and grime from the dirty alleyway. He yanked her up against the wall with a strength she probably would not have guessed could come from him in his old age anymore. With him so close to her she could see the redness in his eyes and some of his teeth missing from past encounters. “Don’t you  _ dare _ insult me. I made you! I created you! You cretin! Now look at you. A disgraced, disfigured soldier who killed her entire squad. Oh yes. It’s all over the news, dearie. Mari, Mari quite contrary. Let’s see how your garden grows now. You introduce your brother and I. You get involved in mercenary work. You work with that Anders boy. The one who burned down the high school chantry and started multiple aggressive protests. You joined the army. Killed your squad because of your failures and now you’re a waitress.” he spat, relishing the shock in her eyes at the hinted admission of the news story. Her hands balled into fists. “You. A trained soldier, bested by one of my average men. You are  _ nothing _ now. I wouldn’t be surprised if your brother left you here with me. Why would we want to claim you now. Afterall, you’re a murder--chk!”

Marian’s fist landed square in his throat, knuckles meeting the soft flesh of his trachea as he choked and fell away from her. Her eye blazed with a fire that hadn’t been there in quite some time as Meeran’s words washed over her repeatedly. “You don’t know what the FUCK you’re talking about!” she practically screamed at him, pulling herself to standing even though her head was still spinning. Probably a concussion. Dammit. “No one knows what they are talking about. Don’t you DARE accuse me of any of that until you understand!” she growled. Meeran’s eyes widened into saucers as he crawled back to try and escape her wrath as she stormed towards him slowly. She stomped on his foot, feeling more than hearing a few toes crack. “Who put that damn story on the news?” she hissed.

Meeran was shaking. He had expected her to be meek and scared of him in his damp, murky basement. He had expected her to beg him to not hurt her. To go easy on her in her “weakened” state. His men had been lucky to catch her off guard. She wasn’t going to let that happen again. “The . . . the Knight-Commander. Meredith Stannard. She’s working . . . with the families.” he gasped. 

“Of course she is.” Marian groaned, stepping back from him just a little and rolling her shoulders. She winced as she felt the minor bruises and scrapes from her assault in the alley, her face sore and she knew she was pushing it a little. “Oh, one other thing.” she said through grit teeth, and before Meeran could move his head she kicked his jaw and he landed with a thud against the ground. Her heavy breathing and the slight drip of pipes in the distance were the only sound for a long while after that, echoing off the basement walls.

Her hands shook slightly as her blood cooled and the familiar ache hit her bones. Her head buzzed and she started to panic. In a rush she reached into her pocket for her cell but it came back empty. “Fuck!” she gasped, and fumbled to search Meeran’s body for anything useful. She grabbed his keys and the cash he had on his person and bounded the stairs for the first floor of the building. She wasn’t sure what building it was, it didn’t look like the place he had lived when she had worked for him, but she was careful to watch out for any of his goons. 

On the first floor she had to incapacitate three of his mercs that were on guard. She swiped a sweater off of one of them to cut out the bitter chill that had seeped into her clothing overnight. It turned out that Meeran couldn’t be doing too hard for himself because he had a decent sized home outside Kirkwall with a nice sized area of land around it. The place seemed inconspicuous enough; Garrett would like to know about the place.

Sifting through the keyring, Marian found the keys to a car parked outside the place and she hopped in. It was an older style model, another inconspicuous choice. Marian flicked on the heater, started the ignition, and followed the dirt road back towards the city. She breathed slowly and evenly as her hands gripped the wheel tightly, shaking slightly as she remembered the last time she had driven on her own, knuckles white against the black leather as machine gun fire sprayed around them and screams filtered in through her radios. 

“No. No.” she said to herself firmly. “It’s okay. We’re going back to Kirkwall.” she whispered, reaching over slowly to turn on the radio.

_ ‘--no new information on Marian Hawke, but reports are showing that Knight-Commander Meredith Stannard is taking full initiative in her investigations.’ _ Marian flinched as the sharp tone of the commander replaced the reporter.  _ “She is a murderer and should pay for her crimes! I will not rest until these families get the justice that they deserve! It--” _

With a click Marian changed the station, praying for something better, anything.

_ “--other Carver Hawke has remained silent on the matter at this time. Their mother, Leandra, however, formerly of the noble Amell family, is distraught. This happening only a month after the tragic death of her youngest daughter Bethany Hawke was killed in the explosion at Kirkwall University. Leandra’s personal statements have been pleas to her daughter to--” _

_ “--lve deaths and other reports counting even more. What is the Ferelden army not telling us? W--” _

_ “--surd. Going into a military operation with lyrium do--” _

Marian’s foot slammed on the break as she punched the radio off, hyperventilating and shaking even harder than she had been before. It was everywhere. What the  _ hell _ had happened to Kirkwall? Her mind was racing and pulling her into a full fledged panic. If it was all over the radio and Kirkwall, then Garrett knew. If Garrett knew, everyone else knew. What did everyone think of her? Was there a head hunt out for her? Should she even go back to Kirkwall? The engine hummed around her, fuzzing in her head along with her racing thoughts as her fingernails dug into the steering wheel. She had nothing. She needed to at least get her wallet. It was probably in that alley, then she could get out of there, head back to base and find out what was going on.

 

By the time Marian actually made it back to Kirkwall it was dark. Meeran’s car was nearly out of gas and she felt like she was going to vomit from the sheer amount of panic that had worked up in her veins. Pulling the hood of the sweater up, she hastily parked her stolen vehicle in the closest place she could find and stumbled out, letting the cool night air hit her sweat-coated skin. The evening bells of the chantry rang through the air. It was only at that moment that Marian realized she had stopped outside the Kirkwall chantry. It was an imposing building with cathedral stoops and massive stained glass windows that surrounded every wall. She only remembered going in there once when her family had first moved to Kirkwall. 

Marian groaned, shivering and climbing the stone steps into the chantry, trying to sneak in as she pulled the hood closer to her face. The place was empty, which wasn’t surprising given the time of day it was. She slipped into a far, secluded pew, watching the flicker of the candles around the aisles. She slouched low and shoved her hands deep in her sweater pockets to try and appear as inconspicuous as possible. 

“I’m sorry Mother Elthina, but he needs my help.” A voice said from a floor above the room, up near the altar. It a thick brogue. “I will only need to be gone a short time.”

“Brother Sebastian, I must insist.” A female voice argued. “That man is nothing but trouble and we can’t have Meredith thinking the chantry has taken up with a vigilante.”

“Hawke’s sister is gone and he is my friend. This isn’t the chantry but myself going.” Footsteps descended the far left steps, a flash of white in the chapel. “I will be back.”

“Sebastian.” The doors closed behind the man, the woman not following him outside. Marian didn’t realize she had been staring towards the altar until she felt a presence beside her. She jumped.

“Surprised to see you here.” Cullen said softly, dressed in his police-altered Templar armor. “Of all the places you could have been hiding.” he didn’t look down at her.

Marian’s face twisted, putting her feet up on the back of the pew ahead of her. “Are you here to arrest me, Knight-Captain?” she whispered. She heard Cullen sigh tightly but she didn’t want to look up and see him holding out any kind of restraints.

“As much as my Commander would like me to, I cannot. The chantry is protected, creating a form of asylum, even for--”

“For war criminals?” she hissed. Cullen didn’t answer. “I’m not one. But everything around me is saying otherwise.” 

He snorted deep in his throat. “What would you call yourself then, Marian Hawke?”

“A guilty survivor of an attack that was  _ not _ my fault.”

He looked to her sharply. “All reports say otherwise.”

“Those reports are wrong.”

She could practically hear the frustration and anger towards her in how Cullen clenched his teeth. “You killed your entire team. Because you were selfish you--”

“Don’t you dare try to tell me what  _ I _ have done.” Marian stood, glaring at him. She was a good head shorter than him. Her hands were balled into fists. “You have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Then enlighten me, Sergeant. Did you even give a damn? What do  _ you _ think happened?”

SLAP!

Marian’s palm stung after her hand made contact with the Knight-captain’s cheek, but it was worth it to get him to wipe that smug look off his face. She was sick and tired of people assuming they knew what she had done. What her intentions were, without knowing anything about her. “They were my men! Of course I gave a damn!” She all but screamed, her words echoing off the empty cathedral walls. “No official reports have been released, no one even knows what the  _ fuck _ they’re talking about. All it is is hearsay. No one has even bothered to ask what happened.”

Cullen sobered slightly, still rubbing his cheek. He only know the reports that Meredith fronted. There had been no answering reports from the Theodesian army. He hadn’t questioned it before, but now . . . “So what did happen?” he asked after a short pause. 

Marian took a shuddering breath. She didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t  _ have _ to explain herself, but . . . but Cullen was willing. Perhaps he’d be able to help quell anger, to talk sense into Meredith.

“They trusted me. I trusted my superiors. You know that military formations are based on trust.” She stared down at her hands. “I assume you take lyrium. Most do.” Cullen nodded. Until recently, he had assume she took doses as well. He had even considered offering her a position. Both were so tied into their thoughts that neither noticed the doors open and close behind them. “Then you know the risks.” she continued. “They don’t tell you about all of that, at least, they didn’t tell us. I . . . had some bad reactions to it. Was addicted for three years before I got my shit together. I . . . my memory suffered. I started to forget things, names, faces, tasks. I completely lost contact with my family and friends here. Then my superiors started taking over my actions. Taking control, ordering me places, telling me lies about events I never promised to make occur. I lost control, so I stopped and fought to get it back.”

“That could have killed you.” Cullen gasped. The lyrium withdrawal alone always sounded like hell.

“I know.” She whispered. “But if I was going to be sent to kill, I wanted to know what I was doing. I wanted to remember. My superiors were furious, but I could still fight so I stayed. They figured if I could survive the withdrawals, then I was strong enough.”

Cullen’s hands clenched. “And you forced that on your men?”

“No.” She said firmly. “I told them the truth. I told them how it affected me. What the effects of long term use are. The scars of withdrawal.” She kept her head low. “I let them make an educated choice. Some took their first doses, others didn’t. I never forced  _ anything _ .”

“You scared them.”

“I gave them a choice! Forcing them would have been giving them the vials and ordering them to take it. Yes, they may have been scared, but at least I didn’t lie! If they wanted lyrium, I supported them. If they didn’t, I helped them through it. I fought with my superiors over it. I worked to help those that wanted to quit. They  _ knew _ my team was mostly lyrium free, but they still sent us in on a mission we couldn’t handle. We were outnumbered, out gunned . . . they . . . I called a retreat. But it was too late. I trusted our generals. I thought they would do what was best for the team. I was wrong. That is my only mistake. I told my men to trust me, and then the men I listened to and trusted tricked me.” She looked up at Cullen forcefully, and he realized she had tears slipping down her cheeks. “I understand the role I played in all of this. I know I made mistakes. But I did  _ not _ kill them! I’m not a murderer!”

“Freckles.” The exhausted voice behind them made both Cullen and Marian jump and spin to look towards the door.

Marian’s mouth went dry. “Varric . . .”

“Alright Curly, I think you’ve got enough from her. I’m taking her home.” Varric said softly, walking down the aisle to them. Marian’s condition making his chest tight, the bruises, scrapes, the tears. Her words. Why he had decided to check inside the chantry he wasn’t sure, he just had a feeling, and for once, his gut had been right. 

Cullen straightened his shoulders, startled by the sudden presence of the dwarf. He should have heard him enter, he should have been more alert. “Of course. Goodnight to both of you, Messere Tethras. Marian.” he turned and walked away. Varric putting his hand on Marian’s shoulder.

“Come on, Bianca’s outside.” Marian followed after him, getting into the passenger seat of his car. The heater was on, warming her to her bones. She hadn’t realized how cold she was. Varric didn’t pull out of his parking spot right away, looking at her. “No one said you were a murderer, Freckles.” She wouldn’t look at him, and it stung. “Let me get you home. Hawke has been losing his damn mind.”

“No. Varric . . .” Marian looked over at him sheepishly. “I . . . I don’t think I’m ready to see him. Not yet. There’s too many questions, t-too much. . .” she didn’t want to have to talk about it again. It hurt to even think about. To remember the betrayal that she had felt that day in the field, when she realized they’d been sent into a trap, as bait to pull out more Qunari forces. 

“Okay.” Varric simply said, backing up and shifting his car into drive. “We’ll go back to my place and I’ll text Hawke. Let him know you're safe.” He knew he had overheard a conversation he wasn’t meant to. He probably should have made his presence known earlier, but another part of him, the storyteller inside him, wanted answers. “Then you can tell me what the hell happened to you.”


	17. Something Strange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric gets Marian back to his apartment and he realizes his feelings may not be what they thought after a phone call from Bianca and a look at some stunning collar bones.

Varric was quiet on the drive back, not even flipping on the radio to his usual station. Marian didn’t mind, in fact, she appreciated it. She was already tired and embarrassed by the situation her best friend had found her in. She was thankful that he hadn’t tried to push her for information or didn’t spend the time she was trapped in the car with him to lecture her on any of the number of things that had happened. He was quiet, not even a mutter under his breath, which was a bit odd for her storyteller, business mogul friend. Marian actually was almost asleep in the passenger seat when the car pulled into park and Varric got out. She followed after him, her face sore and puffy feeling. Again, Varric made no comment as they left the parking garage. Instead, they got into the elevator, taking it all the way to the top floor. It was only once they were in his apartment behind closed doors that Varric spoke.

“Andraste’s wrinkled bosoms, Freckles. What happened to you?” He gasped, his voice exasperated and weary. His hair was slightly out of it’s normal tie and he looked rumpled, maybe like he’d slept in his clothing. She’d only seen him like this a couple of times and they had usually been over papers due at the last minute and a fight with Bianca. The person, not the car.

Marian was just glad he sounded worried, not angry, and that his first question was about her and not the news. “Meeran. Apparently he wanted to use me to get back at Garrett.” She forced a smile. “But hey, if you think I look bad,, you should see the other gu--”

Rough hands grabbed the collar of her shirt and pulled her down to face him, fingers running gently over her bruises. “Maker’s dimpled ass, Marian.” he breathed. “We thought . . . no one could find you. And with Meredith . . . don’t ever scare me like that again.”

She leaned against his touch gently, almost missing his words. “Just you?”

Varric stiffened just a little. “Us. All of us. Don’t scare us ever again.” he said, trying to make up for his minor slip. It was a slip, right? “Hawke though you’d bolted.”

Marian started. “What?” She gasped, eyes wide and standing back up fiercely. “You . . . You thought I ran off?”

“Hey. Freckles--”

“I-I wouldn’t . . . I mean. I’d never...!” Marian stopped as she realized she actually could have done that. It wasn’t completely ridiculous to assume that she would bolt with the news of the ambush leaking like it had. She took a step back with the realization. There was a look in her eyes that Varric recognized, something jumpy and scared. He was about to try and turn the situation around before Marian shuddered. “I would. I guess I would.” she said softly, backing up so far that her back hit the door and once it did, she slid down to sit. “Maker I’m an idiot.” she pressed the palm of her hand against her forehead tightly.

Varric frowned, looking at her for a moment before he sat down across from her, nudging her own foot with his. “Hey. No one is angry at you, Freckles. None of us are.” he watched her, a mixture of expressions crossing her face before she looked up at him again. The ghosting of tears in her eyes made Varric want to punch someone.

“I’ll explain everything. I promise, Varric. I just . . . don’t lecture me. Please. I’ll get enough of that from Garrett.” Marian pleaded and it hurt Varric like a knife to the gut.

“Hey. No lecture planned. I’m just glad you’re okay. Let me get some ice for those bruises and we can talk, okay?” he said, patting her knee before he got up and left to go to the kitchen to find some ice packs. Hopefully they had been put back after the last time. He grabbed two ice packs, some crackers, and a soda from his fridge before returning to the living room. Marian had moved herself over to the couch and was pulling at the sleeve of some ratty looking sweater that he had never seen before. Sitting down beside her, Varric pressed one of the ice packs to the side of her face where the biggest, darkest bruises were and gave her the soda. He had decided to forgo his usual alcohol because he wasn’t 100% sure if Meeran had drugged her or not and he didn’t want to cause something worse to happen.

“Thanks.” She whispered, holding the icepack in place and the cold eased some of the hurt from her bruises. She ran her left thumb over the ridge of the soda can slowly, looking over to Varric slowly. “I . . . I’m not sure where to start.”

“Heh, if you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. I trust you, Freckles.” Varric assured her.

“I owe you the truth. Now that everything is out there anyway.” she whispered and began to slowly recount first her abduction by Meeran and his men and then to explain what had happened in the Anderfels with her squad in a similar fashion to how she explained it with Cullen. Varric was patient through it all, not interrupting her or fighting her to speak more clearly when words would escape her or she would need to take a breather because her face was swelling a bit and it was hard to talk about it. Halfway through her explanation he had taken her hand in his and was holding onto it reassuringly, allowing her to feel his support even if she wasn’t always looking at him. A lot of it matched what she had said in the chantry to Cullen, but he listened all the same. “I don’t even think a full, lyrium-trained squad could have handled that ambush. The general didn’t want too much leaking out until they could finish their investigation. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone.”

“You don’t owe us anything, Freckles. We may worry and want to help you, but you aren’t required to tell anyone anything.” Varric said.

“I wish that was true. But now . . . all of Kirkwall thinks I killed my men. There isn’t a way to stop that.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Hey, you have us. You have me. And we won’t let anything happen to you.” he kissed her knuckles tenderly and she gave him a weak smile.

“Thanks, Varric. For everything.” Marian whispered and sighed. “Do . . . can I use your shower?”

“Sure thing, Freckles.” He nodded, watching her get up to go to the bathroom. He didn’t blame her for wanting to clean up. Reaching into his pocket he texted Hawke to let him know that Marian would be staying with him for the night, but that she was safe and in the building. Hopefully it would help keep the twin from freaking out and razing all of Kirkwall in his path. Varric cursed, however, when he saw three missed texts from about an hour ago.

{B 11:52 PM}   
[Haven’t heard from you in a while. U ok?]

{B 11:57 PM}   
[He’s gone tonight. We could talk if you want.]

{B 12:15 AM}   
[I hope you’re not upset with me. I’m trying you know. Love you.]

Varric sighed down at his phone, not sure how to respond. He hadn’t talked with Bianca for about two weeks, which honestly wasn’t that long given their track record, but he was torn on what he would say to her. 

He heard the shower turn on and, assured that Marian was busy, replied.

{Me 1:32 AM}  
[Hey. Sorry I just got your texts. Was out]  
Varric assumed he wouldn’t hear back from her til morning, since it was rather late especially since she had a two hour time difference and it would be 3:30 in the morning where she lived. Surprisingly, however, his phone vibrated in his hand.

{B 1:33 AM}   
[Out where? Should I be jealous? ;)]

Varric’s face involuntarily twisted. If anyone in their relationship should be jealous it was him. Though the fact that she actually used an emoji did make him chuckle.

{Me 1:35 AM}   
[Nah. Just helping Hawke. His sister was missing. Found her though.]

{B 1:38 AM}   
[Oh.]   
[Her, huh?]   
[You available to talk?]

Varric was surprised by the final question. They didn’t actually call each other a lot. The last time he had heard her voice was probably a year ago on her birthday. He looked at the time and shrugged. This could be their only time to talk in another year. He pressed the ‘call’ button on his phone and waited, listening to the rings before her voice picked up.

“Hey.” Bianca said, her voice sounding so different than his brain made up in his sleep.

“Hey, B.” Varric said, leaning back on the couch. “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing too exciting.” Bianca said, sounding a bit impatient. “So, this sister. Is she the same one from the news?” Varric hesitated.

“It’s already spread that far?”

“No, I don’t think so. But I check up on the news from Kirkwall every now and then. That place has some crazy shit going on.” she answered, “Are you sure it’s wise to be associating with her with all of this? She sounds like trouble.”

Varric bristled. “She’s my friend. And the news isn’t very accurate out here, especially not concerning this.” Why on earth was Bianca suggesting that he shouldn’t be associating himself with Marian? She had never expressed any concern for who he hung out with before and he frequently hung around with the Merchant's Guild.

“Okay okay. It was just a suggestion, no need to get defensive.” Bianca said, startled by his quick reply. He could hear her ‘huff’ on the other end. It . . .  _ annoyed _ him. Why on earth should that annoy him?

“Sorry. Haven’t slept well for the last couple of days.” he rubbed his hand over his face and sighed. “Let’s talk about something else. How are you? How’s work?”

“Oh, it’s wonderful. I’ve been working on a new invention . . .”

Bianca and Varric talked for about fifteen minutes, not talking about anything substantial or meaningful. They never did, not over the phone. He sighed when he finally hung up, a slim promise that they would talk later soon. He ran a hand through his hair and mulled over her words. He felt . . . guilty about kissing Marian. Should he have told Bianca? Did he have a reason to feel so defensive? What gave her the right to be jealous and possessive over him when she was  _ married _ and all he could do was sit and wait for any scrap she would throw him.  _ Void _ , he had practically crawled into her lap when she offered a phone call, even though he had Marian in the other room still dealing with all this shit. Did he have no self control? No pride? 

“Who was that?” Marian’s voice startled him out of his thoughts as he spun around, his breath leaving his lungs at the sight of her. Dark hair limp against her head, not quite dried all the way, falling across the right side of her face, holding a towel around her with the straps of her black bra across her shoulders. He didn’t realize he was staring until her face reddened and she shuffled nervously. “I . . . I was going to put on the old clothes but they are filthy. I was wondering . . .”

“Oh right.” he gasped, having planned on grabbing some clothes she could borrow--not that they would fit her or anything. He rushed into his room grabbing an old sweater and some sweat pants, they were too big for him so they were probably left over from a drunken night with Hawke or something. Either way, they would probably fit her better than they would him. He handed them to her when he walked back in. “Here. These are probably Hawke’s or Broody’s anyway.” he whispered, trying not to focus on her collar bones nor the hinted breasts underneath. Why on the Maker’s great green earth did he suddenly have the image of kissing that neck?

“Thanks.” Marian whispered, smiling and turning back to go to the bathroom, returning later with the towel shaking at her hair in attempts to dry it. The clothes were baggy but he was right, they fit her better. And hid those tempting collar bones. “So, you were on the phone. Something come up?”

“Hm? Oh. No. Nothing important. Just a quick call.” Varric said, having sat back down on the couch and nursing his soda again.

“Oh.” Marian whispered, sitting down and looking over to him. “Was it her?” She new vaguely of Bianca. You didn’t name a car like that after someone unless they were special. Besides, she had been there for their first high school argument. She’d never met the woman, but knew Varric was crazy about her.

Varric was quiet. His silence acting like an answer for her. She, however, continued to speak. “I didn’t realize you guys were still talking. Like, verbally. That . . . that’s good?” she tested, not sure what the relationship was after ten years, give or take a few months.

“Yeah. It’s really good.” Varric whispered, forcing the words out. Why was he having a hard time with this? He loved Bianca, right? He should be over the moon that they talked. Instead he felt . . . hesitant.

“That’s good.” Marian said softly, looking over to him. “I’m glad. You deserve to be happy.” Varric felt his tongue go dry, which was weird for him being a storyteller and all. Marian hadn’t been here for the news about the wedding, with all the fallout that had happened. Ten years was a long time and he wondered how much he should tell her. He should just tell her that Bianca got married and moved away to be with said spouse and he was left as a perpetual third wheel doomed to be alone for the rest of his life pining after a girl he could never have. He should tell her about all the shit that went down seven years ago with her family and how this crazy thing got started. Marian would be angry. She would be livid at Bianca and want to help him in some way. She would want to talk to him about it. And he didn’t want that. He didn’t want her pity or her ire. It was best to just let her think everything was going alright until it was otherwise necessary.

“Yeah. Want another movie night?” Varric asked, hoping the change in subject wouldn’t be too abrupt.

“No. I . . . I’m pretty tired. The couch in your office still free?” 

Varric smiled, “Of course. All cozy for you.” he teased and she shoved his shoulder.

“Thanks Varric. I mean it. I really appreciate it.” she said, and got up. “See you tomorrow?”

“Of course, this is my house.” and Marian giggled, shuffling over to his small office. He didn’t understand how she could sleep on that glorified love seat, but she never liked sleeping on his couch, so he didn’t force anything. He sighed, still able to smell his musky shampoo along with her scent in the air and he wasn’t sure if that’s what was making him so uncomfortable, or the fact that he just realized he was keeping something from his best friend. It had been ten years. It makes sense that they would need time to learn things again. As he stood to go to his bedroom his phone buzzed and he looked down, sighing at the three texts he had received before stuffing it in his pocket, deciding to answer them later.

****

{Hawke 1:59 AM}   
[THANK ANDRASTE!! Bring her over when you can!!]

{B 2:10 AM}   
[Goodnight. Sleep well]   
[Photo of plump breasts and a sweet smile that he knew all too well attached]   
[;)]


	18. Mending Bridges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders pays a visit, Carver and Marian have a short heart-to-heart, and a mysterious email.

Marian expected a lecture or scolding from Garrett. She expected any other reaction than the one she got. She entered the apartment and was instantly pulled into one of Garrett’s signature bear hugs. One that didn’t end until Fenris literally pulled her twin off of her. Garrett then spent the rest of the week babysitting her and making sure she was okay. He had gotten her a new phone as well, a smart phone that she cursed at least twice a day for being too “complicated”. When she wasn’t at home being coddled by her twin, Marian was working at the Siren. Isabela was teaching her how to bartend. She was doing it quite well, and seemed to enjoy it more than waitressing. Waitressing involved too much small talk and fake smiling. At least with bartending she could be a bit more of herself.

A knock on the apartment door greeted Marian shortly after she had gotten done making a sandwich after work. She had just gotten done working the seven to two am shift ten minutes earlier and Garrett was spending the night down the hall at Fenris’ (which she appreciated since they tended to get carried away with one another). She was happy for the both of them, it was just kind of distracting to wake up at any time during the night to their love-making.

Taking a bite of her sandwich--peanut butter and banana--she answered the door, shocked to find Anders there. Her brow furrowed. “What are you doing here?” more in confusion of a late night visit rather than anger or annoyance.

He looked nervous and ragged. A scraggly beard growing where he was usually pretty clean shaven. “I . . . can I come in?”

Marian let him in, closing the door and sitting down on the couch with her food. She gave Anders his time as he paced a few times across the living room in front of her. “I need help with something.” he finally said, raking his fingers through his hair. “I know I shouldn’t be asking you, after everything but . . . I swear it’s important.”

“Okay, okay. Calm down.” She was still upset about Bethany, but had been working through all of those feelings slowly. “What’s going on?”

Anders sat on the couch next to her. “I have a huge project coming up in my research methods class and I need materials. Some hard to get ones. No one else I know can help.”

Marian raised an eyebrow. “What kind of materials?”

Anders took a slip of paper out of his pocket, handing it to her. It was a short list of only two items, well three, but one was already crossed out: 

NEEDED:

Drakestone filament  
Sela petrae extract  
~~Blood lotus leaves~~

Marian straightened as she looked at the list and later stated amounts. “Anders. These are government and military controlled substances. Especially in these amounts.”

The man nodded. “I know. Which is why I need  _ your _ help.”

“This is a big deal, Anders. I would need to know  _ exactly _ what you are going to use all of this for.” She hesitated. “I might not even have clearance because of my discharge.”

“Mari, please.” Anders took her hands tightly. “This report is important. I’m researching them and many other substances in relation to cellular structures and growth. I need these results to complete it. You know I’ve been doing this kind of stuff since ninth grade. Please.” Desperation was evident in his expression.

Her eyes narrowed. “This doesn’t have anything to do with Justice?”

“No, no Mari. I swear.”

“I’d need time. It takes a lot of paperwork.”

“I have six months til I need to have it finished.” Anders assured her.

Marian sighed, pulling her hands from his grip. “Fine, fine. I’ll see what I can do. But I can’t make any promises.” Anders flung his arms around her and kissed her cheek.

“Thank you so much. I’ll make it up to you somehow. I promise.” he stood. “I’ll . . . I’ll let you get some sleep. Thank . . . thank you so much.” and then he left, leaving Marian alone in her pajamas with her half eaten sandwich. She sighed. She had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.  _ No. I should give him a chance. _ She couldn’t hold a grudge forever. She had to give him the benefit of a doubt.

After finishing her food, Marian went to bed, brushing a week old newspaper off her bed. The headline was about more missing women. The authorities were split on whether it was a serial kidnapper or simply the women leaving their less-than-stellar husbands. Marian paid the whole thing no mind as she climbed into bed, set her alarm clock for morning, and faded into sleep.

***

Marian woke to barking and raised voices. She thanked the Maker that it was only twenty minutes before her alarm would go off and got up. After dressing, she wandered out of her bedroom to see Garrett trying to hold Brad away from jumping on an unsuspecting Carver and Leandra.

“Mother?” Marian asked blearily, catching the attention of everyone including the excited mabari who bounded to her side.

Leandra beamed at her daughter. “Marian!” she took all but three steps toward her daughter and pulled her into a tight embrace. “I was so worried! First you disappeared and then that awful news story.” It was clear she was shaken by events and could possibly start crying as she kissed Marian’s forehead and ran her fingers through raven hair, as if touch would ensure the woman that her daughter was really safe.

“I’m okay, Mother. Truely.” Marian tried to reassure her, but knew it would probably fail.

“All these horrible things they said about you. I can’t even imagine. Garrett explained everything.” This surprised Marian, expecting more of . . . something. Definitely not understanding, compassion. She looked up and met Carver’s gaze. He seemed . . . subdued.

Garreett helped pry his mother off of Marian. “Come on, mom. Help me get that tea started?” Leandra nodded and followed her son into the kitchen. Marian simply watched her younger brother.

“You okay, Carv?”

Carver swallowed hard, watching his sister with intent. “It’s true, isn’t it? What you did for those soldiers.”

Marian nodded.

“And . . . that’s why you were so-- why you didn’t want me to . . .”

“Yes. I wanted to protect you, Carver. I just didn’t know how to put it in words.” At least this was better than their typical screaming matches.

“I . . . I didn’t know. I’m so sorry--”

“You couldn’t have known.” She interrupted. “I didn’t talk about it. It’s still raw. I should have spoken clearer, rather than get angry. I should have told you about my experiences but I couldn’t make myself.”

“We both tend to do that. Blow up.” Carver conceded and Marian agreed with a small chuckle.

“I’m also sorry. That you had to find out the way you did. I wanted to tell you all myself when I could.”

“It’s still classified. I get it.” Carver said, raising a placating hand as a sign of understanding. “Meredith is breaking a lot of rules.”

Marian hummed agreement. “I’ve been in contact with my superiors. They are  _ not _ happy.”

 

The visit went well, lasting longer than usual and not ending in an argument for once. Once Leandra and Carver were gone, Marian allowed herself to check her messages and find the paperwork for that favor for Anders.

Three texts from Varric, an email from the General, and a voicemail from Merrill and Isabela at work. Quickly, Marian looked at the attached file from the General, checking out the specifications and requirements of obtaining such controlled materials.

At the very end was a statement she would have to sign and date, a statement ensuring that she would take responsibility for the materials used and any effects. She hesitated at that. She would be putting herself on the line, again, for Anders. Could she trust his word? He was dedicated to his school work and had been obsessed with this type of research since high school. Maybe she was just overthinking it?

Her email notified her of a new message. She was expecting more correspondence with the General. However, the email she received was from a sender she didn’t recognize.

> TO: m_hawke@thedasmilitary.fer
> 
> FROM: NO_REPLY@smithcaste.orz
> 
> SUBJECT: _Marian Hawke_
> 
> _ I know you’re in love with him. _
> 
> _ b.d. _


	19. Contemplation and Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrett and Marian have some shenanigans and Marian meets someone she never expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the amazing feedback I have been receiving on this fic. I am so glad you all enjoy it. 
> 
> You can find me on main tumblr at thunderscape-7.tumblr.com or at my drawing tumblr thunderscape-doodles.tumblr.com

Marian, Garrett, and Fenris met up for breakfast at Elegant’s, a café in lowtown that had the best biscuits and gravy in Kirkwall. Marian was settling into life again, working evenings and adjusting to life in the day. She was learning to play the guitar from an elderly neighbor and played board games with an elf named Feynriel in the common room. One thing that was always on her mind, however, was Anders. The paperwork sat unsigned on her desk, staring down at her each day.

“I just . . . what do I do, Gare? If anything happens it’s on my head. I want to give him the benefit of a doubt but . . .” Marian sighed into her steaming mug of coffee.

“Hey.” Garrett’s eyes were sympathetic, swallowing a mouthful of omelette. “You know Anders is obsessed with the topic. He’s been researching these materials since Mr. Orsino’s chemical biology class in tenth grade.”

“I know, I just . . . he’s tricked me so many times. What if--”

“If you live in ‘what ifs’ forever you’ll never do anything. Give him a chance to finish his degree and turn his life around.” Garrett said softly. Fenris grunted.

“I disagree. He is untrustworthy. If it was really a good idea you would not hesitate.”

“Fen . . .”

“You know I’m right, Hawke. He has done nothing to support her trust. Look at what happened with Bethany.”

“He wasn’t involved in that.” Hawke argued.

“So he says.” Fenris countered. “Your sister would be held responsible if he does anything wrong. Is it worth that risk?”

Garrett looked upset. His eyes narrowed and shoulders tight. “Anders may make ill-advised choices, but he would never  _ use _ Marian. He would never maliciously hurt her.” he looked to Marian. “He cares about you, in his weird way. And he knows better Mare. He lost you once because of a lie, he wouldn’t dare do that again.” He smiled remembering how Marian had nearly broken Anders’ nose after their break up.

Marian nodded. “I know, Gare. It’s just still raw sometimes. But I trust your judgement. If you think it’s safe, I’ll do it.”

Garrett nodded to his twin and took another large bite of egg. “These resources will help him graduate and get back on track. Afterall, he’s always wanted to work in veterinary research.”

 

Marian signed the paperwork that night and had it set aside to mail on her way to work. She patted Brad on the head and sat beside Garrett on the couch. “I’m thinking I should get my own place.”

“Really? So soon?” Garrett asked, surprised. “You’re always welcome here with me, Mare.”

“I know. I just think it might help me to adjust to this new normal. To have my own space again. And that way, you and Fenris wouldn’t always have to stay at his place.”

Garrett grinned. “And  _ you _ could have boys over to yours.” He teased suggestively to which Marian responded with an elbow to his ribs (not enough to even hurt).

“Shut up!” Marian said and smiled. “So help me find a place?”

“We live in the Hanged Man, Mare. I’m sure Varric has some open rooms. There are always some.” Garrett responded, baffled that she hadn’t thought of that.

“Isn’t it cheating when you’re best friends with the owner?”

“No. It’s only cheating if you use that on wicked grace nights.” Garrett smirked, “In which case cheating is encouraged.”

Marian sighed. “I don’t know why I even talk to you.” she scoffed, scratching Brad behind the ears.

“My point stands, just talk to Varric. He’ll get you a nice place that can fit your  _ one _ belonging.”

“Thanks. That’s so helpful.” She muttered and sighed. “I’ll talk to him later.”

“Wow, don’t sound excited or anything.”

“What?” She asked incredulously.

“You’re wanting to get your first apartment outside of the army. A big step. You’re not excited?”

“I mean I guess.”

“Or is it trouble in paradise?”

Marian wrinkled her nose. “What does that mean?”

“Come on, Mare. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you haven’t seen Varric since he piced you up from the chantry almost two weeks ago.” Garrett said with a mischievous grin. “Sooo . . . ?”

“So nothing. I’ve been busy. Hey! That’s my phone.” She gasped, seeing her twin holding her obsidian smartphone with a green druffalo sticker on it. She scrambled to grab it from him but Garrett pushed her back and smirked.

“You need a better password.”

“I can’t figure out how to change any of the settings on that dumb thing.” She grumbled as Brad picked that time to bound up on her lap and trap her down on the couch. “Oof--”

“Damn Mare. No texts. No phone calls. What did he do, threaten your honor?” He chortled, scrolling through her phone, pausing to change a setting or two here and there as he went.

“Ha. Ha. Very funny.” Marian muttered, giggling as Brad licked her face in a happy frenzy. “Plah, pah, yes yes, boy. I love you too.” She shoved his muscular muzzle away, scratching his neck. “Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean we talk all the time.”

“That’s  _ exactly _ what that means. Especially between you two. It’s almost like when--” a shit eating grin spread across his face that Marian foudn particularly annoying. “Ma~are. You lo~ove him.”

“What? I. I.. pft no!” Marian blustered, not helping her case. “That . . . that’s insane.”

“I thought you got past that crush but . . . Mare. You do love him.” Garrett smiled, his tone no longer teasing.

“No I . . .” her face flushed bright red and she didn’t meet his eyes. “So what?”

“Mare. that’s a big deal for you. Does he know?”

“Andraste’s left asscheek no!” Marian admonished. “What are you crazy? Of course he doesn’t know. I’m not a masochist.”

“Why not?” Garrett asked. “You don’t get feelings for someone easily, that’s just how you are.” he sighed. “Is that why you’re not talking to him?”

“No . . . that’s not it. And if you blab this around to the others I will murder you.” she threatened. “I . . . I’ve been getting some weird emails lately. I thought it was spam at first, but they keep coming.”

Garrett’s brow pinched. “Are they here on your phone?” he scrolled through more apps.

“No way! I get classified information on that email. I’d need a better phone password than  _ 1234 _ if I wanted to connect my phone to my email.” Marian said, moving Brad off of her. “I can go get my laptop.” She returned shortly with her device. “Give me that.” she snatched her phone back and set it on the side table before sitting with the laptop screen in view for Garrett. She had created a folder in her email to collect the strange messages.

> TO:  m_hawke@thedasmilitary.fer
> 
> FROM:  NO_REPLY@smithcaste.orz
> 
> SUBJECT:  _ Marian Hawke _
> 
> _ I know you’re in love with him _ .
> 
> _ b.d. _
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> TO:  m_hawke@thedasmilitary.fer
> 
> FROM:  NO_REPLY@diamondquartermail.orz
> 
> SUBJECT:  _ no subject _
> 
> _ Photo attached _
> 
> [photo of Marian sleeping against Varric’s shoulder during one of their movie nights]
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> TO:  m_hawke@thedasmilitary.fer
> 
> FROM:  NO_REPLY@duster.orz
> 
> SUBJECT:  _ no subject _
> 
> _ Photo attached _
> 
> [Marian and Varric in his convertible]
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> TO:  m_hawke@thedasmilitary.fer
> 
> FROM:  NO_REPLY@cartathug.orz
> 
> SUBJECT:  _ no subject _
> 
> _ He’s taken _
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> TO:  m_hawke@thedasmilitary.fer
> 
> FROM:  NO_REPLY@paragons.orz
> 
> SUBJECT:  _ no subject _
> 
> _ Photo attached _
> 
> [image of Marian in her towel talking to Varric in his apartment]
> 
> * * *
> 
>  

Garrett was seething. Someone, someone from fucking Orzammar, was sending his sister (his twin no less) thinly veiled threats. “Does Varric know?”

Marian shook her head. “I wasn’t sure if I should bring it up. He probably doesn’t even know this person. They could just be hiding behind an orzammar address to remain anonymous.”

“Or it could be someone from the merchant’s guild.

“I’m sure it’s nothing  _ that  _ serious, Gare.”

“You never know.”

“Calm down.” Marian chided. “What, you think I can’t handle myself against a cyber bully?”

“No, that’s not it.” Garrett said firmly. “You can kick their ass to Sunday. I jsut don’t want it to come to that.”

“I promise I’ll ask Varric about it later. Happy?”

“No. But I know better than to argue with you.” Though worry nagged at the back of his mind. He knew she could handle herself, but that didn’t help the fear that clenched in his chest, telling him that something could go horribly wrong.

***

Marian didn’t notice until the next day that Garrett had changed the names of all her contacts in her phone and changed all the pictures to strange selfies of his face close up and his nostrils. It wasn’t hard considering she had maybe ten or twelve contacts. She had a separate phone for military use that rarely left the duffle under her bed.

Some names were easy to figure out.  _ FavoriteBrother _ was obviously Garrett which made  _ FB’sBae _ Fenris.  _ the2ndbestbrother _ was therefore Carver and  _ Mommy _ Leandra. Others were more cryptic like  _ BossLady#1 _ and  _ BossLady#2 _ and  _ SexonLegs _ . She was just glad that those who would try to contact her couldn’t see how they appeared in her phone.

{Me 11:02 AM}   
[Fuck you]

{Gare-Bear 11:10 AM}   
[WTF?!]   
[Oh. You saw ur phone]

{Me 11:12 AM}   
[Again. Fuck you]   
[*middle finger emoji*]

{Gare-Bear 11:15 AM}   
[OoO!!]   
[such gestures]

{Me 11:17 AM}   
[(-_-)]

 

Marian sighed, scrolling through her contacts, frowning at the ones she hadn’t yet changed back to normal.

 

{BossLady#1 11:21 AM}   
[see u at work!]

{Me 11:23 AM}   
[Who is this?]   
[Isabela?]   
[Garrett changed the names in my phone]

{BossLady#1 11:24 AM}   
[What?]   
[Oh]   
[it’s Merrill]

{BossLady#1 11:28 AM}   
[What is my name?]

{Me 11:30 AM}   
[BossLady#1]

{Merrill 11:31 AM}   
[Oh. I would think that was isabela]

{Me 11:32 AM}   
[She’s BossLady#2]   
[I think]   
[Garrett may be trolling me]

{Merrill 11:37 AM}   
[hehe]   
[Hawke is silly]   
[Isabela thinks so too]   
[photo sent]

Marian smiled at the photo. It was a selfie of Merrill with Isabela. They were laying in bed under the sheets. Merrill had her head resting against Isabela’s breast and smiling. Bela was making a face, her hair tousled. They had obviously just gotten up--or, at least, just finished up some much more private activities. They were adorable.

{Me 11:40 AM}   
[<3]

Marian sighed, she wanted to bring up the emails to Varric somehow, but she wasn’t sure how and had no idea who he was in her phone anymore. She doubted he even knew the person. Varric was a surface dwarf and, outside of the merchant’s guild, she doubted he personally knew many from Orzammar.

In that moment, she was very exasperated towards her brother. There were so many mismatched names and goddamnit she didn’t have phone numbers memorized.

 

  * __SexyandHeknowsit__


  * _A+ Ass_


  * _SexonLegs_


  * _HotShot_



 

Any or all of the contacts could be Varric and she had to try and figure it out. Technically she knew she could just go up to his apartment and talk to him in person, but that would be the  _ easy _ way.

To make figuring out the identities easy she sent each number a quick message saying Garrett got into her phone and asking who it was. She didn’t expect replies too soon and so decided to get some laundry done.

{SexonLegs 12:56 PM}   
[Zevran here, love]   
[I hope the name becomes me ;)]

{A+ Ass 1:32 PM}   
[its anders]

{HotShot 1:40 PM}   
[Nathaniel Howe]   
[Don’t you know better by now?]

* * *

 

{SexyandHeknowsit 7:21 PM}   
[What u need Freckles?]

{Me 7:30 PM}   
[Varric, thank andraste]   
[U home?]

{Varric 7:32 PM}   
[Yeah. I can come down if you want]

{Me 7:34 PM}   
[No I’ll be up in a minute]   
[I’ll bring beer]

Marian stuffed her phone in her pocket, her laptop, and a couple cans of beer and went out to the elevator. Varric’s place was only a couple floors up and it didn’t take long before she stood in front of his door and knocked with her elbow.

“Freckles!” Varric said with his trademark grin, his duster slightly rumpled  and his hair out of its normal tie. “What you need?”

Marian smiled, stepping through the door. “Just wanted to talk. I was wanting to get my own apartment and Gare said to talk to you. I’ve also been getting some weird emails that I wanted you to look at.”

“Weird does seem to be right up my alley.” Varric said with a chuckle, taking one of the beers from her. “But the apartment I can definitely help with. I think 4G is open off the top of my head.”

“I’m sure we can work something out.” Marian chuckled, sitting cross-legged on the couch to pull up her email on her computer.

“Y’know, Freckles, maybe we could look at that later. I--”

“Varric?” a voice called from the direction of his bedroom. A  _ female  _ voice.

“Oh, if you had company you could have told--” Marian stood from the couch and caught sight of the woman standing in the bedroom doorway in naught but her underwear, lipstick smudged.

“You must be Marian.” the dwarven woman said in a slightly annoyed tone. Obviously she had interrupted something.

Marian looked to Varric, who looked uncharacteristically uncomfortable. “You could have told me you had company.”

“It’s not big deal, Freckles. She’s just--”

“Bianca. Bianca Davri.” the dwarf said assertively, crossing her arms.

“Oh.” Marian gasped, suddenly remembering glimpsing a photograph of her in Varric’s wallet in high school. She knew of the infamous Bianca but had never expected to actually meet her. “I’m sorry to interrupt . . .”

“No. I was looking forward to meeting you.”

“Bianca.” Varric chided.

“Don’t worry, Varric. I won’t cause a fuss.” Bianca met Marian’s gaze in the same way a mabari might, establishing dominance.

Marian’s mind was spinning. Bianca Davri, b.d. The first email had been from her. She would bet her life on it. “So you’ve heard of me?”

“Oh yes. Varric talks a lot about the Hawke family.” Bianca said, sounding less than thrilled.

“Garrett does seem to get around.”

“Freckles, why don’t we talk later?”

Marian looked to him, seeing the . . . hesitation there. She had definitely interrupted something intimate. It hurt more than she could have ever expected.

“Yeah . . . I’ll let you two get . . . back to it.” Marian said, grabbing her computer tighter to her chest and walking towards the door. “It was  . . . nice to finally meet you, Bianca.” she whispered, escaping out the door as quickly as she could.


	20. Feelings Feel Horrible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marian gives a certain someone a piece of her mind and a nice family dinner happens for the Hawke's.
> 
> *bianca is a bitch and I hate her  
> *had to replay her trip to valmmar in inquisition to make sure I was remembering right  
> *varric deserves better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not completely happy with this chapter, but I feel like some important character/plot building happened.  
> I apologize for any ooc moments, especially on the part of Bianca. 
> 
> I'm always open to chatting! you can comment here or message me at my tumblr: thunderscape-7
> 
> Also, thank you SO much to everyone who has subbed, commented, or pressed 'kudo' on this fic. It means so much to me and I'm so glad other people are enjoying it. :]

{Varric 1:03 AM}   
[Freckles. I’m sorry.]   
[I wasn’t expecting her]

{Varric 1:10 AM}   
[4G is open. I’ll get the paperwork ready]

{Varric 2:53 AM}   
[When do u want to show me those emails?]   


{Varric 3:14 AM}   
[Shit Freckles. I know you’re at work]   
[I’m sorry. B can be harsh]   
[I think she likes u though]

 

Marian sighed, turning her phone over as she went back to cleaning the bar. She was still shaken from earlier. In the back of her mind she had known Bianca was still around, just seeing her in person had made it real. But why was she sending her threatening emails? Obviously to discourage Marian from getting close to Varric. She knew about seven years ago Varric had wanted to ask her to marry him. Marian had never really heard much of it after that.

“What’s got you so down, Hawke-ling?” Isabela leaned over the bar with a coy grin. “You look more depressed than a girl named Dorkus on her first name day.” She giggled.

“Oh, hey.” she whispered, her phone buzzing with no doubt another text. Isabela snatched up the phone.

“Mm, a message from our resident dwarf. Gonna answer?”

“I’m at work, ‘Bela.” she whispered.

“Ooo, I see. Playing hard to get. I liket his side of you.”

Marian sighed. “No. There’s no playing.” She unlocked the phone to show her boss the texts. The woman’s eyes grew wide as saucers.

“Maker’s balls. You met  _ the _ Bianca?”

“Yeah, she’s quite a peach.” Marian muttered, turning to grab a new rag, but Isabela grabbed her arm.

“She’s at Varric’s? Now?”

“Yeah.”

Isabela frowned. “You  _ do _ know what happened, right?” Marian looked confused and shook her head. “Andraste’s tits.” Isabela muttered and urged her to sit down. “Six years ago Varric asked her to marry him. She said yes.”

Marian started. “What?”

“Let me finish, Hawke-ling. The wedding day came and Varric couldn’t be happier.. The ceremony started and it was beautiful. The only thing is, Miss Bianca--who we still had never seen--doesn’t show. She stood him up. We found out later that she went on to marry some other dwarf that has money and power in her caste or whatever. His influence is moving her career forward or some bullshit.”

Anger boiled within Marian. “Then why--?”

“Because she is  _ still _ with Varric. Stringing him along by his feelings like a puppet!” Isabela said sharply. I can’t believe she has the  _ gall _ to show up. That bitch.”

Marian blinked. “Why wouldn’t Garrett tell me?”

“I guess we all assumed you knew. We don’t usually talk about it if we don’t have to.” Isabela shrugged. “I think Varric actually believes he’s still in love with her after all this time.”

Marian bristled. “So she’s playing him?” She snapped, “And she had the balls to . . . ugh!” she ignored another message on her phone.

Isabela snorted. “Heh, if she had balls I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have this problem.” and she looked to her employee and friend. “Take off.”

“What?”

“Go over there!” She insisted. “Come on, we’ve all seen how you look at each other. If he’ll listen to anyone it’ll be you. Save him from himself.”

Marian hesitated only a moment before she nodded, grabbing her phone and her bag and leaving the bar.

***

It was 3:30 in the morning by the time she was in front of Varric’s door and ready to knock when she heard raised voices.

“Maker’s balls, Bianca! What is your problem?”

“ _ My _ problem? I’m not the one who’s ignoring my responsibilities! Do you realize how much trouble you’re in? The Merchant’s guild would have your head not to mention your brother.”

“I can handle myself, you don’t need to nag me.”

“Well, someone has to.” Bianca’s words were sharp. “Especially with that ditzy bint coming around here all the time to distract you.”

Marian’s hand shook and she pounded twice on the door before barging in. Varric was still shirtless, Bianca had apparently decided it was hers to wear for the evening.

“Excuse you! This is a private discussion.” Bianca hissed, both women on edge like feral cats, hackles raised and claws ready.

“Excuse yourself.” Marian snapped back with little grace. “You show up every couple of years and expect to be able to insert yourself in Varric’s life?” she ignored Varric’s snort at the double entendre. “You bitch about who he spends time with, what he does, and how. You send  _ threats _ to people who care about him and you have the  _ gall  _ to believe you know what’s best for him?”

“Freckles--”

“No, Varric. Not this time.” She didn’t look away from a very smug Bianca the entire time. “You’re  _ using _ him. Married to someone else! All you do is keep him on a string and dangle a treat every now and again to make it seem like you care, you selfish bitch. You’ve been doing this since the very beginning; you can’t have both and if you truly care about  _ any _ of his feelings you wouldn’t have married someone else or you would stay the fuck away.”

Bianca chuckled under her breath, through her clenched teeth. “That’s not how it works,  _ hun _ . My family--”

“Fuck your family. You chose them over him, end of story. And instead of dealing with the consequences of that decision, you are stringing Varric along, playing with the emotions of one of the kindest, most understanding, passionate people I have ever met. You have no right to attack me for being his close friend when you’re with another man. How  _ dare _ you treat him like this. Varric deserves better!”

A snort escaped from the female dwarf, “What, like you? A half blind, possibly psychotic, failure? Oh yes, I’m sure you’re the  _ best _ choice.”

Varric frowned. “B, --”

“No.” Marian said before he could say anything else. “I’m not. Not even close. But he does deserve someone who can give their full attention to a relationship. Who he can trust and sees more than once a fucking decade.” she could tell she struck a nerve, if only mildly. Bianca stood defensively, shoulders stiff and jaw shifting. Marian looked to Varric, who seemed caught off guard and torn, eyes flicking from her to Bianca and back. A part of her wished he would help back her up, to stand up to Bianca, for himself, but she knew that was too much to ask. She then stared Bianca down once more. “And the next time you call me a ditzy bint, I’ll mount your head on a fucking pike and make it Bianca’s new hood ornament.”

“Marian!” Varric gasped as she stormed out of his apartment and sprinted down the stairs.

***

Marian didn’t answer texts from Varric for the next week. She wasn’t sure why, she wasn’t upset with him but she just didn’t feel like confronting how she had acted. It also didn’t help that her and Garrett were going to their mother’s place to celebrate Feastday as a family for the first time in years. She wasn’t dreading it, per se, but it was going to be exhausting.

“Ugh!” she growled to her appearance as she tried to get her choppy hair to cooperate. She hated dressing up. Her royal blue dress felt too skin tight, she wasn’t even attempting makeup, and her hair kept getting off center and uneven. She threw her hairbrush down into the sink and threaded her fingers through her hair before pulling it back in a ponytail and calling it good. “Stupid hair, stupid face.” she muttered, adjusting the sleeves on her dress and picking up her phone. Three more texts. Her heart hurt. She didn't want to know what Varric did after she left. She didn’t want to know whether Varric told Bianca to leave or stay and deep down . . . she wished she didn’t care.

“Come on, Mare. Time to go.” Garrett called from the living room where he was desperately trying to convince Fenris to wear shoes.

“Coming!” she shoved her phone in the pockets hidden in her skirt--one of the only gifts she could definitively say the maker gave to his children--pulling some of her bangs over her right eye to hide the more gruesome scars.

“You can’t just show up without shoes, Fen. Mom’ll have a fit.” Garrett said with an exasperated sigh.

“They pinch my toes and look hideous.”

“No they don’t you big baby.”

“Hawke.”

“Come on! What is it with you and shoes?” Garrett gasped, his keys jangling as he flailed his arms as he spoke.

Marian groaned, snatching the keys from his hand and walking towards the door. “I’m leaving this apartment in ten seconds and I will drive there by myself if you two don’t act like big boys and get ready.”

“Hey!” Garrett cried. “No one drives the car but me!” he gasped, rushing to tackle his keys from his twin

***

“I’m so glad you could make it, Fenris dear.” Leandra said politely over dinner. She was very fond of her son’s boyfriend. Garrett had been surprised, honestly. It wasn’t like his mother was inherently against any of his partners or even elves, he was just surprised she took to Fenris so quickly and well. “I know last year was a bit difficult to coordinate.”

Fenris nodded--having thrown the shoes in the back of Garrett’s car--biting into the roast ram Leandra had made with fresh spice-rolls. “It is good to be here Miss Hawke.”

Leandra tsked. “Please, dear, call me Leandra. I’ve told you before.”

“R-right.” Fenris nodded, smiling over at Garrett who sat beside him. “This is wonderful, Leandra.” he added and Carver nodded.

“It is. Did you add onion to the sauce?”

“Sage and honey.” Leandra corrected.

Marian smiled at the calm conversation that spread across the table. They chatted about nothing in particular: work, recipes, hobbies, Garrett’s love life. She wasn’t feeling up for talking too much, her mind pulled in too many directions and she was ashamed to say many of those came back to Varric. She jumped when a hand tapped her shoulder.

“Hey, you still in there?” Carver teased.

“Huh?”

“I was asking about you dear.” Leandra chided, her face pinched slightly. Marian recognized that look and she had to hide her urge to flinch at the realization that her mother was worried again. “What have you been up to?”

“Oh, nothing much. Work.”

“She wants to get her own apartment.” Garrett interjected with a grin.

“Oh really? Where?”

“I was looking at staying within the Hanged man. Varric said there was a room open last week.”

“Last week?” Garrett said softly. “He usually works faster than that.”

Marian shook her head. “It’s fine. We’re working on it.”

Garrett’s eyes narrowed slightly, watching her body language and realizing the odd behavior he’d been noticing perhaps wasn’t all in his head.

“Oh dear, have you and Varric gotten in a fight?” Leandra gasped. She, like everyone else, knew what good friends she and Varrric had been for years. Leandra liked the dwarf, she was fond of him and his stories and the way he watched out for her kids when she couldn’t. If she was honest, she was always hoping Varric would ask her for permission to court Marian.

“What? Wh-why would you say that?”

“I know that look. You’re thinking about something and it’s not the food on this table.”

“I’d rather not talk about it right now mom.”

“Marian?”

The concern laced in the way Leandra said her name made Marian feel guilty. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired. Working nights and all.” she muttered, trying to find a way to change the subject. “This is really great food, mom. I missed this.”

Thankfully, Leandra caught on and nodded with a smile. “It’s good to have all of you here.” she whispered and then moved onto another topic before she would spiral into the loss of Malcolm and Bethany.

***

Marian and Leandra sat on the couch in the parlor after dinner, Garrett and Fenris helping Carver with the dishes, giving Leandra and her daughter time to talk alone. They didn’t talk about much, but they did reconcile some feelings and some of the events that had happened while Marian was away with the army. It was something both women had desperately needed.

Leandra reached over and gently tugged the skirt of Marian’s dress down past her knees where it had hiked up when she crossed her legs on the couch. “Manners, Marian.”

“I have shorts on underneath.”

“Still.” Leandra said with a sigh. “It looks beautiful on you.”

“Thanks. Beth got it for me.” Marian whispered, staring down at where her fingers were fiddling with the pleats on her skirt. 

Leandra frowned, putting her hand on Marian’s knee. “Is there something you want to talk about dear?” She knew she and her oldest daughter weren’t very close, they had never really had much in common when she was younger and then they grew apart after Malcolm had died. Leandra regretted losing those years to bond with her. It was hard to try and forge a connection with her twenty-nine year old daughter. 

She didn’t answer for a moment, Marian running her fingers through her hair a bit frantically before straightening it again. She had taken her hair down after dinner because it was hurting her head, pulled too tight. “I . . . It’s stupid really. Feelings.”

“Oh. Dear, feelings aren’t stupid. Well, they are. They are irrational and annoying, but they aren’t bad. There are no good or bad emotions.”

“I know. I know.” Marian sighed, leaning her head against the couch cushions. “I just . . . you know I don’t--” she waved her hands as she tried to think. “You know.”

“I know. The Anders boy, I believe, made you quite anxious at first.”

Marian chuckled. “Yeah. He was--is a good guy. We didn’t work, but he’s happy with Nate.” she said and looked up at her mother. “I met Varric’s longterm girlfriend. Or, whatever she is. She’s horrible for him but I don’t know what to do. He is crazy about her, who am I to get in the way? So I can be selfish?”

Leandra’s brow pinched. “You know for a fact it’s a bad relationship?”

“Oh yeah. Batshit crazy bad.”

“Language Marian.”

“Sorry.” Marian sighed, hearing the guys chatting in the kitchen. “It’s a bad deal. She’s married. Engaged to him first but stood him up. I just learned a lot of this a week ago from ‘Bela. It’s a lot to process. And she . . . she’s threatening me. He doesn’t even really know, but she’s trying to warn me away from him.”

“Oh Marian.” Leandra gasped, taking her hand. “I can’t tell you what to do, dear. That’s up to you. But, if you do feel like intervening, I think you would be doing the right thing.” she assured her.

She smiled. “Thanks mom.” she whispered, thankful for someone to talk to that wouldn’t blab instantly to every other friend of hers about what was going on in her head.

“Of course dear.” she leaned over and kissed Marian’s forehead gingerly.

***

{Freckles 9:26 PM}   
[We need to talk]


	21. Chapter 21

Hey all,

I'm sorry this story all but disappeared so unexpectedly. I've been struggling with illness and it's really been dragging me down. During my last semester of college I got hit with a migraine that never left (began Feb. 2017). It's been almost 500+ days of pain, medicines, and doctor's appointments so far and my motivation, energy, and brain power have been severely effected. I'm still seeking treatment and struggling on the daily. That being said, I do want to try and get back into this fic. I think about it a lot and miss writing so much.

While thinking through this story, I've come to the decision that I want to start over. I started this on a whim and feel that I could do better at least story wise (my brain is dumb with words so quality may not be where I want it unfortunately). That being said, I do want to ask a question of those subscribed to this story/interested in it's continuation.

For the rewrite, should I make it into a new fic and leave the old one as is or should I rewrite within this current version of SS&WH?

I greatly appreciate any feedback as well as those loyal readers for sticking with me.

Thunderscape7

P.S. I am also hoping to add art to some chapters in the rewrite as well. I have trouble uploading images into AO3 so if anyone has tips I'd forever be in your debt!


	22. New SS & WH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have uploaded the first chapter for the new and revised version of SS & WH:   
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/15170306/chapters/35180183

Thank you all for your kind comments and thoughts. I appreciate it so much. 

I have a first chapter done for the revision of this piece and while updates won't be regular by any means, I hope that I will be able to make some progress through the chapters I already have written for this story.

 

Here is the link to the newest fic, it is also added into my "Two Hawkes" series - [Link to New Fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15170306/chapters/35180183)


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